Living in the Margins Part II
This is shaping up to be one of the harder weeks of the semester. Midterms, projects, Res. Life stuff and emotions all coalesce into this violent storm of agony which I'm experiencing. Sometimes I feel like I'm forgeting who I am. I do my best to live fully each day, and not overburden myself, but sometimes I still feel like I'm living in the margins. Maybe thats a good thing because I am "accomplishing things", though they may not be important in themselves, what I'm learning is, and through the clouds I pick up a bit of insight into myself, or at least the strength to carry out plans and commitments. I may not choose to do some of the stuff I'm involved in again, but the experience is worth it.
Emotionaly I am still very lost at times. Although I felt very 'myself' and free just a week ago, I am slowly starting to feel more and more weighed down by something. Its that disconect between the sides of my personality that I identify with, and how I behave (to be very vague) and I just don't feel comfortable most of the time. I think that, with the problems I went through with Alexa, I've also drug up more repressed feelings of anger, fear and sorrow that I have thus kept hidden... even from myself. Its hard, but I take things one day at a time, and try to be mindful of where I am, and recognize anything that may be bothering me, though I try not to solve it or fix it. Wherever I am right now, I can only think to call it adrift. Lost.
I received a gift from Alexa today. It was very thoughtful : ( , and I just don't know how to feel or act. Sometimes I want to write something impulsive to her, to settle things or somehow express what I feel and let her know that she's not dead to me, and that I don't hate her... but with so little understanding of exactly what the relationship meant to me, and how I feel about her in general, I just am not prepared to go off on some in-depth communication. I hardly have made peace with things myself, let alone am in any position to reach out in any way shape or form.
I just want some peace, some... understanding and comfort with myself. Its so hard sometimes when the weight of the world seems to be coming down on me from all angles. How do I forge ahead, when I feel like I left myself somewhere back on the path? I need space to catch up and feel whole. Maybe this little post will help with that, but I still want more....
Emotionaly I am still very lost at times. Although I felt very 'myself' and free just a week ago, I am slowly starting to feel more and more weighed down by something. Its that disconect between the sides of my personality that I identify with, and how I behave (to be very vague) and I just don't feel comfortable most of the time. I think that, with the problems I went through with Alexa, I've also drug up more repressed feelings of anger, fear and sorrow that I have thus kept hidden... even from myself. Its hard, but I take things one day at a time, and try to be mindful of where I am, and recognize anything that may be bothering me, though I try not to solve it or fix it. Wherever I am right now, I can only think to call it adrift. Lost.
I received a gift from Alexa today. It was very thoughtful : ( , and I just don't know how to feel or act. Sometimes I want to write something impulsive to her, to settle things or somehow express what I feel and let her know that she's not dead to me, and that I don't hate her... but with so little understanding of exactly what the relationship meant to me, and how I feel about her in general, I just am not prepared to go off on some in-depth communication. I hardly have made peace with things myself, let alone am in any position to reach out in any way shape or form.
I just want some peace, some... understanding and comfort with myself. Its so hard sometimes when the weight of the world seems to be coming down on me from all angles. How do I forge ahead, when I feel like I left myself somewhere back on the path? I need space to catch up and feel whole. Maybe this little post will help with that, but I still want more....