(no subject)
What have I been up to?
work
piano lesson
work
work
smelling bad because of work
sleep sleep sleep
piano lesson
work
The fact that I can't stand the taste of alcohol is a wonderful thing...otherwise I would drink myself to death from boredom. I never used to get bored. I don't really get bored now, because I am too fucking tired. My life is easy and I am such a lucky girl right now, horseshoes, clovers and all, but at the same time I feel like I have put myself on hold. I wasn't growing or changing and I knew it, so I set myself aside in order to just exist for awhile.
Does this make me a coward? Maybe. Definitely a bit. There isn't anything wrong with giving yourself a break, but wow...I'm just not sure that I want to do what I have been telling myself that I wanted to do...er...that is, my mind has run amuck and now all those daydreamt goals have collided with a reality that I thought would be harsh and volatile and is instead tranquil and blurred. At this point, I want to get a degree in general studies and just work one random job after another (even though I know I would lose my fucking mind after a year or so of that). I'm just wondering where my ambition went. It took a different route and I'm wandering the fucking countryside of my mind right now, looking for the interstate and thinking "wow, I really have to pee..." How long will this last?...This pathetic, lukewarm journey of mine? And, the guilty confession, I am so happy right now. Bliss, all day long because of him. But sometimes, I am quiet enough to feel myself walking, eyes to the road, completely ashamed for not knowing my destination.
work
piano lesson
work
work
smelling bad because of work
sleep sleep sleep
piano lesson
work
The fact that I can't stand the taste of alcohol is a wonderful thing...otherwise I would drink myself to death from boredom. I never used to get bored. I don't really get bored now, because I am too fucking tired. My life is easy and I am such a lucky girl right now, horseshoes, clovers and all, but at the same time I feel like I have put myself on hold. I wasn't growing or changing and I knew it, so I set myself aside in order to just exist for awhile.
Does this make me a coward? Maybe. Definitely a bit. There isn't anything wrong with giving yourself a break, but wow...I'm just not sure that I want to do what I have been telling myself that I wanted to do...er...that is, my mind has run amuck and now all those daydreamt goals have collided with a reality that I thought would be harsh and volatile and is instead tranquil and blurred. At this point, I want to get a degree in general studies and just work one random job after another (even though I know I would lose my fucking mind after a year or so of that). I'm just wondering where my ambition went. It took a different route and I'm wandering the fucking countryside of my mind right now, looking for the interstate and thinking "wow, I really have to pee..." How long will this last?...This pathetic, lukewarm journey of mine? And, the guilty confession, I am so happy right now. Bliss, all day long because of him. But sometimes, I am quiet enough to feel myself walking, eyes to the road, completely ashamed for not knowing my destination.