Hello.
Well, back to the blissfully anonymous world of lj. So sweet a drug.
I've been pretty happy lately, ridiculously so....and it has killed my ability to write. Now everything I manage to scrawl on paper is so sunshiney and daisy-crazed that it makes me want to burn every journal that I own.
*deep breath*
I'm fine. I'm crippled by the fact that now I have absolutely no outlet for when I feel crazy or creative, but I'm happy, right?
*crickets*
Right?!
Ergh...oh, but here is something I did manage to write. It's not a poem, but I can't come back from a 4+ month internet absence empty-handed:
I feel forced together
like they used all the wrong parts
and I worry about being unmade
at the hands of someone I love
or hate
but maybe they're trying to fix the mistake
as if to say
"sorry, sorry for all this time..."
And....I can feel myself sinking back down again. I really thought I was doing better, no more desperate mood swings, black days far beyond me, but they just creep up like dreams that you can never remember, even though you know you had them. I should be happy. I am. But I'm useless right now, just feeling a bit self-critical because I'm in the midst of working toward goals, but I haven't gotten to the point where I can see any actual progress. But I'm worth it, right? For christ's sake, someone just tell me I'm worth it.
*deep breath*
I'm a fucking lunatic.
*face to desk*
gnight, folks.
I've been pretty happy lately, ridiculously so....and it has killed my ability to write. Now everything I manage to scrawl on paper is so sunshiney and daisy-crazed that it makes me want to burn every journal that I own.
*deep breath*
I'm fine. I'm crippled by the fact that now I have absolutely no outlet for when I feel crazy or creative, but I'm happy, right?
*crickets*
Right?!
Ergh...oh, but here is something I did manage to write. It's not a poem, but I can't come back from a 4+ month internet absence empty-handed:
I feel forced together
like they used all the wrong parts
and I worry about being unmade
at the hands of someone I love
or hate
but maybe they're trying to fix the mistake
as if to say
"sorry, sorry for all this time..."
And....I can feel myself sinking back down again. I really thought I was doing better, no more desperate mood swings, black days far beyond me, but they just creep up like dreams that you can never remember, even though you know you had them. I should be happy. I am. But I'm useless right now, just feeling a bit self-critical because I'm in the midst of working toward goals, but I haven't gotten to the point where I can see any actual progress. But I'm worth it, right? For christ's sake, someone just tell me I'm worth it.
*deep breath*
I'm a fucking lunatic.
*face to desk*
gnight, folks.