Everybody Knows (four things the Enterprise crew thought were true and one that was)
4) Everybody knows Captain Kirk is allergic to *everything*
Leonard was halfway through his buttermilk pie when Ensign Chekov grabbed his shoulder, looking panicked.
“Doctor McCoy, Doctor McCoy!” He was wide-eyed and out of breath, making Leonard think some kind of disaster had befallen the Bridge.
Looking around the mess, he spotted Jim at the opposite side of the room, quietly eating his lunch. Despite his relief that Jim was fine, Leonard was still on alert, wondering if there had been an accident in Engineering.
“Easy, Ensign, easy,” he soothed. “What seems to be the problem?”
“It’s the Captain, Sir,” Chekov answered, “You have to stop him!”
The young Russian sounded on the verge of a breakdown and Leonard took another glance over to where Jim was sitting, attention focused on the PADD in front of him as he absent-mindedly dipped some kind of meat on a stick into a small container of sauce.
Getting more confused by the second, Leonard gestured to the chair opposite him and said, “Why don’t you sit down, Ensign, and explain to me exactly what I’m supposed to stop the Captain from doing.”
Chekov went around to the other side of the small table, but looked as if he was just crouching over the seat, unable to relax enough to actually sit down. “It’s his lunch, Sir. You have to get to him before it’s too late.” He glanced over his shoulder at where Jim was sitting, “I think he’s got *peanut sauce*,” he finished with a terrified whisper.
Leonard froze for a moment, trying to suppress the urge to sigh, roll his eyes and rub his forehead simultaneously. The kid meant well and was genuinely concerned for Jim’s wellbeing. It was always reassuring to see the way the crew cared for and about their captain.
But this? This was just a pain the ass.
Before the Enterprise had even left Earth orbit, the crew was ready to mutiny when they found out that any meat, dairy, wheat or nuts in all the dishes had been replaced with a combination of tofu and textured vegetable protein. The chefs had worked long and hard to create a completely hypoallergenic menu in deference to their captain’s supposedly overactive immune system.
As a result, Jim’s first diplomatic mission didn’t involve trade talks or peace negotiations on some far-distant planet. No, his first mission was to ease any embarrassment or hurt feelings the kitchen crew might have had after learning that there was no need of the changes they’d worked so hard to implement. As a result, Jim’s first diplomatic victory came when he got the kitchen and replicators returned to the standard menu. His second was when he requested - and got - commendations for the kitchen crew in recognition of their hard work, explaining to the higher ups that having such a wide variety of food options available would give Starfleet even more flexibility when different races and species were onboard ‘fleet ships.
Despite the fact that the incident has become common knowledge, despite all the strange, otherworldly foods Jim has since consumed without a single problem, this was one rumor that refused to die.
Leonard had dealt with this so many times by now, he even had a standard rant prepared, but Chekov’s concern was just so damned *earnest*, he couldn’t bring himself to give his usual lecture.
“Oh, God,” Chekov whimpered as glanced back to see Jim finishing his fruit salad, “there’s cantaloupe, too.”
Leaning his elbows on the table, Leonard covered his mouth with his hand to hide his smile at the kid’s melodramatics. Catching Chekov’s eye, he used his most reassuring tone. “It’s all right, Ensign. Captain Kirk can eat both peanuts and melon with no ill effects.”
While his shoulders slumped in relief, Chekov’s expression was still concerned. “But…but his allergies. There are so many things-”
“There are exactly two things, Ensign, neither of which can be found in any foods in the kitchen or replicators,” Leonard explained.
“But everybody saw him, with his hands and the,” Chekov gestured vaguely around his mouth.
Nodding, Leonard replied, “Yes, and if you recall the incident, then you also recall that I was there and administered both drugs that caused those reactions. But those were drugs, Ensign,” he continued. “I can assure you he has no severe allergies to any of the standard foods that have been deemed fit for human consumption.”
Chekov listened intently, visibly relaxing after Leonard’s reassurances that the bizarre and severe set of symptoms Jim developed during that harrowing day were not likely to be repeated.
“I am glad you’re looking out for the Captain, Ensign, and I know he appreciates it, too. But I can assure you that all the food here is safe for his consumption. Besides,” he added, “if he really was allergic to peanuts and melon, do you think he’d be eating them?”
Chekov looked abashed. “Of course not, Doctor, it was stupid of me,” he replied, staring at his hands clutched on the table top.
Leonard knew Chekov was a fully trained, battle tested Starfleet officer. He also knew the kid had used is fresh-faced good looks to rack up an extensive list of conquests. Even so, looking at the young man’s abashed expression made Leonard feel like he’d just kicked a puppy.
“Pavel,” Leonard said gently, causing the younger man to look up at him in surprise, “it wasn’t stupid at all. It was thoughtful and loyal and perhaps a little bit of an overreaction.” Chekov nodded his understanding as Leonard continued. “Now, if somebody else mentions the Captain’s allergies, you can assure them that he can eat the same foods as the rest of us.”
He smiled at the younger man and received a similar grin in response. “Was there anything else you needed, Ensign?”
Shaking his head, Chekov rose from his seat. “No, Doctor. I should get back to my station since I just came here to get my communicator; I’d left it here earlier.” He held up the device he’d been clutching in his hand. “Thank you for talking with me and I apologize for worrying you.”
Leonard waved him off. “No apology necessary, Ensign. It’s our duty to look out for one another, right?”
“You’re right,” Chekov said, standing by the table, “Besides, I should have known you would never let anything happen to your boyfriend.”
With a brief nod and a “Have a good day, Doctor,” the young man left the mess as Leonard watched, momentarily dumbstruck.
“Angels and ministers of grace defend us,” he moaned, dropping his head into his hands.
Chapter Five