Everybody Knows (four things the Enterprise crew thought were true and one that was)
3) Everybody knows James “T is for Tomcat” Kirk is obsessed with sex - no matter who’s having it
After getting his lunch and a glass of water, Kirk searched for an open seat and noticed Bones sitting alone at a small table near the back of the mess. Before he could join him, he was interrupted by his yeoman.
“Excuse me, Captain?” Janice Rand asked, having appeared by his elbow as if by magic. She did that a lot, and it always made Kirk wonder if she had some kind of transporter technology hidden in that impossible hairdo of hers.
Hiding a flinch, he turned his attention to her, hands clutched around her ever-present PADD. “Yes, Yeoman?”
“You’d said earlier that you needed me to help with something,” she shifted the PADD under one arm and held her hands up making little twitching motions with the first two fingers of both hands as she said the word, “’delicate.’”
He was so fascinated by her air quotes - who *did* that anymore? - it took him a moment to comprehend what she’d said. “Oh, yes, of course.” Fortunately, it was the tail end of the lunch rush, so there were a lot of empty tables to be had. Gesturing to one in the far corner, he said, “After you, Yeoman.”
He followed her to the table, greeting and chatting with his crewmembers as he passed.
After settling in, he set his tray to the side, leaning his arms on the table, hands clasped in front of him. “So, Yeoman, this ‘delicate,’” the air quotes were implied, “something I need your help with…” He paused, trying to figure out how to approach this to save him and Rand any embarrassment.
“So,” he began again, “I need some work done to my quarters.” She looked at him expectantly. “Specifically, additional insulation in the walls.”
She stared at him for a moment and then began taking notes on her PADD. “All right, Sir. Which walls? What kind of insulation? What reason should I give for the work?”
He sighed, murmuring, “This is what I was afraid of.”
“Sorry, Sir?” Rand asked.
“Nothing,” he replied, shaking his head. “Isn’t insulation just insulation?”
“Not at all, Sir,” she said, as it was the most obvious thing in the world, “There’s insulation for temperature regulation, noise reduction, vibration dampening… So, your needs will determine the kind of insulation used.”
Kirk just stared at her, wondering how she seemed to know everything about everything. Apparently, the way he was looking at her was making her a little uncomfortable, because she started to shift in her seat.
“My father ran a construction company,” she explained, “and I worked for him every summer.”
“Ah,” he said. “Well, it’s for noise reduction, then.”
She made another note on her PADD. Not looking up, she asked, “And which wall or walls need the insulation?”
“Can’t they just do all of them?” he shot back, still hoping he could get this done without having to go into too much detail.
“Sir, we will need to order materials and pull Maintenance crew off other projects to work on this. If you need all the walls done, then that’s what I’ll have them do, but the more work that’s done, the more that will cost and we only have so much in the Maintenance budget,” she explained.
He knew this wasn’t going to be easy, which is why he’d asked for her help in the first place, but still… “Fine, I just need one wall.” Before she could ask, he clarified, “The one between my and Commander Spock’s quarters.
She didn’t react visibly, still tapping away on the PADD. “And the reason you need the work done, Sir?”
“To reduce noise, Yeoman,” he shot back. “I thought that would be obvious, considering I’ve asked for ‘noise reduction’ insulation.”
Looking up, she gave him a look that appeared to be equal parts respect and condescension. “Captain,” he sat up straighter. When she started addressing by his rank, he knew she was getting impatient. She often addressed him by his rank. “If some part of the ship’s construction is deficient, Starfleet wants to know about it so they can determine if it is a ‘fleet-wide problem or an isolated incident. They need to know if changes need to be made in how the ships are designed and constructed.”
She set down her stylus and leaned back in her seat, crossing her arms over her chest. “You know all this, Sir, and you already told me that this requires discretion. You know I’m discrete, so what’s the real issue?”
He sighed, rubbing his hand over his face. “We couldn’t just say Spock snores like a shuttle engine, could we?” he asked plaintively.
She just stared at him, knowing that he already knew every repair was recorded and measured to ensure resources and time are being spent effectively. He couldn’t cook the books to hide this one.
Defeated, he leaned forward, gesturing for her to do the same. Their faces were centimeters apart.
“OK,” he said, “this is not going on any report or any maintenance request, but I’m going to tell you so you can help me figure out how to get this done without telling anyone else. Got it?”
She nodded, her expression confused.
Taking a deep breath, he pushed on. “You know Spock and Uhura are bonded, right?” She nodded. “And since the first officer’s quarters are much larger than the chief communications officer’s quarters, it makes sense that they would spend their private time together in his quarters, yes?”
She nodded again, this time looking uncomfortable. “Sir, I’m not sure I really need to-“
“No,” he interrupted her, “you do really need to, because *I* really need you to help me hide this. I’m sorry, Janice, but as awkward as this is, it will be orders of magnitude more awkward if this gets out.”
“OK, Sir,” she said.
“Despite what people may think, I really am not ruled by my libido, nor do I want to know about my friends’ and colleagues’ sex lives.” He took a deep breath. “And I especially do not want to know what Lieutenant Uhura sounds like when…” He let his voice trail off, knowing that Rand required no further explanation.
“Lieutenant *Uhura*?!” she hissed. Her voice was low, but Kirk still gestured for her to be quiet as he cast a quick glance around to make sure they weren’t being overheard.
“The both of them, actually,” he replied, “but she’s just more…high-pitched.” He leaned back in his seat. “Makes it harder to ignore, you know?”
She’d put down her stylus and rested her head in her hands, staring down at her PADD. “I really am sorry about this,” he repeated, “but I can’t sleep with earplugs and risk missing an important hail from the Bridge or something.” He felt bad for dragging her into this, but it had been almost six months and it turned out those rumors about Vulcan stamina were true.
“What about Doctor McCoy?” Janice asked, raising her head to look at him.
He could feel his face heat, but kept his expression neutral as he replied, “What, what about Doctor McCoy?”
She leveled him with one of her arsenal of no-nonsense stares. “Could the two of you just stay in his quarters?”
He continued to stare at her, refusing to engage her on the subject.
She sighed and shook her head, mumbling, “As if we don’t know…”
“What was that, Yeoman?” he asked, crossing his arms over his chest, not caring if it made him look defensive and petulant, since that was how he felt.
“All right,” she began again, “what if we approach this from the other side?”
Kirk’s brow wrinkled in confusion. “What do you mean?”
“What if we say that you’re doing this for Commander Spock’s comfort? He hasn’t said anything to you, but you’ve been told in the past that you and Doctor-” Jim glared at her and she rolled her eyes. “- that you and any partner you may be entertaining have a tendency to be loud. So, out of consideration for your first officer, you’re requesting additional insulation be added and he not be told since it might make him uncomfortable knowing the work was being done on his account.”
“That could work,” he murmured, considering the idea, “but there would still be questions.”
Janice nodded. “True, but if we say it’s a favor for Commander Spock, it shouldn’t be a problem for the guys in Maintenance to keep quiet.” With a downcast expression, she finished, “With the Commander being Vulcan and all.”
They both were silent for a moment and Kirk wondered if he would ever be able to truly comprehend the loss they’d all suffered when the planet had been destroyed.
He hoped not.
He cleared his throat, pulling them both out of their sad musings. “I think we have a plan. Let me know what I have to sign and who I need to speak with and I’ll take care of it.”
Janice jotted a few notes on her PADD. “Will that be all, Sir?”
“Yes, Yeoman, that will be all.” She stood up from the table. “Oh, and Janice?”
“Yes, Sir?” she replied, tucking her PADD under her arm.
“Thank you for your help,” he said, giving her a resigned smile. “I know this isn’t going to be easy and I really appreciate everything you do here.”
“You’re very welcome,” she answered with a smile. Turning to leave, she stopped and turned back to him. “One thing, Captain.”
Kirk looked up, his chicken satay halfway to his mouth, and asked, “Yes?”
“You’ll need to vacate your quarters while the work is being done. So, if you’re not already involved with Doctor McCoy, you might want to start, because the only other empty beds we have are triple bunks with the ensigns.” With a wide smile, she gave him a little salute and walked out of the mess as Kirk sat staring after her, mouth agape and skewer of meat dangling between his fingers.
Chapter Four