One-Shot ~ Itsuka itsuka itsuka kaeru hi made
Well. This is messy and confused, I guess it reflects a part of my feelings after Ryo quit K8. A way to cope with it, somehow, maybe it can also help readers. Sorry & thanks for reading.
Title: Itsuka itsuka itsuka kaeru hi made
Author: lalois
Fandom: Kanjani8
Pairings: RyOhkura
Rating: PG
Length: one-shot (possibly two-shot)
Words: 1970
Genre: hurt/comfort, ust, angst, introspection, first person POV, established relationship
Disclaimer: sadly I don’t own anything about Kanjani8, just my worship for my OTP. They don't belong to me, but they belong to each other.
Prompt/Summary/Background: Ryo and Ohkura dealing with Ryo's decision to leave K8. Mentions RL snippets from 15sai Tokyo venues and Ohkura's letters to Eighters after Ryo's departure.
Written on: 16th September 2019
Also available @ Ao3, LJ, DW
**
The mobile phone has not rung today.
Nor yesterday, or the day before that.
I haven't heard from him ever since the messages we exchanged that day, after he had left my place, the previous night, without a word.
I had asked him whether he had chosen what to write for the official statement he was supposed to send about his resign.
He angrily told me that there was no way he could find the right words.
He didn't want to talk about it, I knew. But I had insisted, and we ended up having a fight, before he kissed me on the mouth as if his whole life depended upon it, and I pushed him away saying that was not the way I wanted things to be between us; his teary eyes pierced into me with the saddest look ever, though, and I surrendered to him anyway. We shared no more words afterwards, under the sheets. We couldn't.
I wanted him close, as well. I desperately needed to cling to him, as well.
When I woke up the following morning, on that fateful day, he was already gone. From Tokyo, from Kanjani8, from the life I had spent also with him in the last 22 years.
A deep hole opened up inside me the moment I realized what it meant.
Panic. Fear. Horror. Shock. To stop him, it was already too late.
Was I angry? No, not at all.
If I were to tell him how I was feeling, what would it be? Sadness? Regret?
No, no.
Gratefulness. Gratefulness. Gratefulness.
'Thank you for these 22 years' I frantically texted him as soon as I could, panicking already.
'Thanks to you,' his reply said, after a while.
How could we even reduce those 22 years on those words alone, I was wondering. But still, I couldn't manage to say any other one.
How was I supposed to live, starting that day onwards?
How were we supposed to be, even?
Can you tell me, Ryochan?
... Where are you, Ryo?
**
"Why do you keep calling me like that, Ohkura? It's ridiculous!"
"Because Ryochan is Ryochan."
"Ryo is fine."
"Ryochan is softer."
"I'm not soft," he whines. "Ryo is fine, I said."
"Ryochan is gentler."
"You're a kohai, though. You should be gentle and respectful anyway."
"I am."
"You are not, sometimes, you blunt moron."
I chuckle.
"Ryochan is Ryochan. To me, at least."
He chuckles, shaking his head helplessly.
**
I know it's the hardest for him.
That's also why I refuse to let go.
I have Maruchan, and Yasu, and Shinchan and Yokoyama-kun by my side, while he has not, anymore. And it's not like he's exactly chosen it.
He's never wished to have another family, beside Kanjani8. But he's reached his limit, he's a stubborn one, and I cannot blame him.
I feel so torn.
When Shibuyan left the group, we all knew it was the best thing to do for him, painful as it could be, and we could not simply ignore his wish nor let it disappear into thin air.
I thought that we, as six members, would wrap our pain up together, bound in that bond that has us made through the good and the bad always, so far.
But I was wrong.
While we tried our best to protect Yasu and what was left of us at the same time, while Ryochan and me did all we could in order to not let Shochan stress out during the live tour, I didn't realize it was Ryochan, this time, who was slowly breaking inside.
He felt so clingy, lately. So sweet and caring, so tender.
I never realized it was because he was about to leave us for good.
While I was about to discover how much I liked helping out with the production of our stuff, Ryochan was slipping away.
Don't leave me, Ryochan. For I am about to break, as well.
**
The day I left, it was the day I stopped having to stick to a fucking work schedule. I stopped, for the time being, having to plan my whole life.
The day I left, I couldn't help sending him a picture, while on the Shinkansen, on my way to Osaka.
It was a windy, rainy day, and Mount Fuji was impossible to spot.
Even so, I could not help it. There they were, its foothills. His shape surrounded by fog, thick and dark clouds.
My future. His future. Us.
You wouldn't know Fuji-san was there, amidst those menacing clouds, should you not know it by heart.
I texted him the picture, without a word. I felt like choking.
I never meant to leave in the first place.
I hoped we could all be allowed to take a rest.
But I didn't realize I was the only one needing this to the bones.
They want to keep moving forward, right when I wanted us to recover from the shock, the fatigue, the pain and the stress.
'You needn't be the one leading the group alone, if you don't feel like to anymore, Ryo. You're not alone in this, and you'll never be. None of us is,' they told me.
They are right, but I cannot break the promise I made to Subaru.
I cannot lead a group I cannot see a future for.
And I cannot stay beside Ohkura without feeling ashamed of myself, right now.
This shameful me, he does not deserve him.
**
I know he needs time.
I do, as well.
I just hoped he didn't need time to adjust to us being this way, as well.
But he did. And I didn't get it until it was too late.
I don't want it to be too late.
I cannot accept this.
I hate wasting time while having to find a way for the two of us, so the only option left is stop thinking at all. And work, work, work, because there's no comeback, and he won't stay still to see where Kanjani8 is trying to go. He'll move forward, as well, and I have to keep up to him.
Because I love him as a childhood friend, and a brother, as a family and as a lover.
He's in the yellow clothes I chose wearing in the photo shoots, the lyrics I sing at Kanjam, the ring I sometimes show off, the places I mention at the radio where I'd love us to spend some time together.
'Far from the madding crowd'.
Can you imagine one day when we'll be able to spend a holiday in Hokkaido, Ryochan?
Me and you and the cows providing the milk you love so much.
Can you see that?
Because I can.
**
That letter.
It was so unfair of him.
He said what I didn't deserve to hear.
He chose talking on my behalf, when I only chose to stay mute.
Because silence can be deafening.
Loving words may, as well.
Maybe I should have never fallen for you to that extent, Ohkura.
Because the way you care and you're there for me, even when I chose leaving, are way more than I could ever be allowed to feel.
You trust me, but I don't deserve you.
I love you, and that is why I left. And that is why I cannot come back without being worth of you again.
Will you still be there, I wonder?
Can you wait until that day, Ohkura?
**
I can, Ryochan.
I can imagine the day you'll feel like venturing to ask if we can meet at my place again.
I do already wonder if that will be before or after the release of my movie. I have a feeling you won't exactly be proud of it, but that you will approve of my decision anyway.
Maybe you'll tell me I'm a bitch, and your cheeks will be red from embarrassment and you'll keep brushing them like you usually do when you're so flustered, and I cannot honestly wait to see such Ryochan.
I miss you.
I'll be missing you, so much. So much.
**
You chose staying with the ones you love and you treasure since the day Shochan got you into Kanjani8.
I cannot say I do not understand.
You were the youngest, the quietest, the most unnoticeable.
Kanjani8 has made you grow into a handsome young man, a brilliant, smart, caring, talented, responsible, impressive one. You've become someone people can look proudly at and talk about. Just like I've always known.
I know you will take care of the group I entrusted you with, without even asking.
I know you will, because I still am very much aware of the endless reasons why I fell for you, day by day, one year after another.
I am so proud.
You're the tough, brave one.
'Ryo-chan is not someone who talks a lot about his feelings, so I am sure he will show what he wants to do with his actions,' you had dared telling me in your velvety voice back then, so long ago. Our gazes meeting. Someone like you attempting to seduce someone like me. You do remember pretty well, right?
The letter you wrote to Eighters is also screaming about us.
That is why I will proudly face you when it'll be right the time, Ohkura.
I want you to be by my side, should you still want me to be by yours, one day.
**
My mobile has rung, today.
It's a reply to a text I had sent quite some days ago.
'It's you who is awesome.'
When I had merely said: 'the Fuji-san pic was awesome. Thanks.'
I nearly choke. It's so unfair. Why is he saying this? Why now, now only?
Is such a bond still there?
I cannot help text back, like an idiot.
'You know it's pointless flirting with me when you've just dumped me, right?'
'I never dumped you, Ohkura.'
'Oh, really?'
'... really.'
'Guess why I had such impression, then.'
'I'm sorry. Can you forgive me for being an idiot?'
'No, of course, or I'd be an idiot myself.'
'I'm back, anyway'.
'... Back where, exactly?'
'In Tokyo. I met some friends earlier.'
'Tssshh... Dissin' me for being a city boy, you Tokyoholic guy.'
I smile. I miss this. Us, the way we are.
'I won't forgive you if you don't pass by, Ryochan.'
'I'm not ready.'
'Nor am I.'
'I'm not worth...'
'Bullshit, Ryochan,' I text him before he keeps looking down at himself, at his choice, whatever. 'Ryochan, I don't care.'
'Well you should, you idiot. I hurt you. I keep doing that.'
'Never. Those 22 years, you know... let's make them something new to start from.'
He doesn't reply anymore. I blankly stare at my mobile, my heart sinking down for the nth time.
'I'm outside.'
'Outside what?'
And then I realize, and I rush to the door.
**
Ohkura looks at me straight in the eyes. Like he's always done.
He never feared me, who I am.
I don't know what to say. I feel like if I'd ever speak one more word, I'd drown into myself for real, this time.
And then he's holding me tight. In his strong arms.
"... Took you long enough, Kobochan," he whispers, lips buried deep in my hair.
I shift in the embrace to hold him even closer, fingers running up to his shaved nape. The way we are, even now.
"... Mmh," I manage to utter. I nod. "I know… Kobochan," I croak.
I grin, between the tears. I hear him giggling softly.
We will be.
**
~Itsuka itsuka itsuka kaeru hi made
kimi to sugoshita jikan wasurenai yo~
~One day, one day, until the day you'll come back
I don't want to forget the time spent with you~
**
Notes: I wrote this two days before the release of Kanjani8 first official pic with Fujisan. Sorry for the unfortunate coincidence.
Title: Itsuka itsuka itsuka kaeru hi made
Author: lalois
Fandom: Kanjani8
Pairings: RyOhkura
Rating: PG
Length: one-shot (possibly two-shot)
Words: 1970
Genre: hurt/comfort, ust, angst, introspection, first person POV, established relationship
Disclaimer: sadly I don’t own anything about Kanjani8, just my worship for my OTP. They don't belong to me, but they belong to each other.
Prompt/Summary/Background: Ryo and Ohkura dealing with Ryo's decision to leave K8. Mentions RL snippets from 15sai Tokyo venues and Ohkura's letters to Eighters after Ryo's departure.
Written on: 16th September 2019
Also available @ Ao3, LJ, DW
**
The mobile phone has not rung today.
Nor yesterday, or the day before that.
I haven't heard from him ever since the messages we exchanged that day, after he had left my place, the previous night, without a word.
I had asked him whether he had chosen what to write for the official statement he was supposed to send about his resign.
He angrily told me that there was no way he could find the right words.
He didn't want to talk about it, I knew. But I had insisted, and we ended up having a fight, before he kissed me on the mouth as if his whole life depended upon it, and I pushed him away saying that was not the way I wanted things to be between us; his teary eyes pierced into me with the saddest look ever, though, and I surrendered to him anyway. We shared no more words afterwards, under the sheets. We couldn't.
I wanted him close, as well. I desperately needed to cling to him, as well.
When I woke up the following morning, on that fateful day, he was already gone. From Tokyo, from Kanjani8, from the life I had spent also with him in the last 22 years.
A deep hole opened up inside me the moment I realized what it meant.
Panic. Fear. Horror. Shock. To stop him, it was already too late.
Was I angry? No, not at all.
If I were to tell him how I was feeling, what would it be? Sadness? Regret?
No, no.
Gratefulness. Gratefulness. Gratefulness.
'Thank you for these 22 years' I frantically texted him as soon as I could, panicking already.
'Thanks to you,' his reply said, after a while.
How could we even reduce those 22 years on those words alone, I was wondering. But still, I couldn't manage to say any other one.
How was I supposed to live, starting that day onwards?
How were we supposed to be, even?
Can you tell me, Ryochan?
... Where are you, Ryo?
**
"Why do you keep calling me like that, Ohkura? It's ridiculous!"
"Because Ryochan is Ryochan."
"Ryo is fine."
"Ryochan is softer."
"I'm not soft," he whines. "Ryo is fine, I said."
"Ryochan is gentler."
"You're a kohai, though. You should be gentle and respectful anyway."
"I am."
"You are not, sometimes, you blunt moron."
I chuckle.
"Ryochan is Ryochan. To me, at least."
He chuckles, shaking his head helplessly.
**
I know it's the hardest for him.
That's also why I refuse to let go.
I have Maruchan, and Yasu, and Shinchan and Yokoyama-kun by my side, while he has not, anymore. And it's not like he's exactly chosen it.
He's never wished to have another family, beside Kanjani8. But he's reached his limit, he's a stubborn one, and I cannot blame him.
I feel so torn.
When Shibuyan left the group, we all knew it was the best thing to do for him, painful as it could be, and we could not simply ignore his wish nor let it disappear into thin air.
I thought that we, as six members, would wrap our pain up together, bound in that bond that has us made through the good and the bad always, so far.
But I was wrong.
While we tried our best to protect Yasu and what was left of us at the same time, while Ryochan and me did all we could in order to not let Shochan stress out during the live tour, I didn't realize it was Ryochan, this time, who was slowly breaking inside.
He felt so clingy, lately. So sweet and caring, so tender.
I never realized it was because he was about to leave us for good.
While I was about to discover how much I liked helping out with the production of our stuff, Ryochan was slipping away.
Don't leave me, Ryochan. For I am about to break, as well.
**
The day I left, it was the day I stopped having to stick to a fucking work schedule. I stopped, for the time being, having to plan my whole life.
The day I left, I couldn't help sending him a picture, while on the Shinkansen, on my way to Osaka.
It was a windy, rainy day, and Mount Fuji was impossible to spot.
Even so, I could not help it. There they were, its foothills. His shape surrounded by fog, thick and dark clouds.
My future. His future. Us.
You wouldn't know Fuji-san was there, amidst those menacing clouds, should you not know it by heart.
I texted him the picture, without a word. I felt like choking.
I never meant to leave in the first place.
I hoped we could all be allowed to take a rest.
But I didn't realize I was the only one needing this to the bones.
They want to keep moving forward, right when I wanted us to recover from the shock, the fatigue, the pain and the stress.
'You needn't be the one leading the group alone, if you don't feel like to anymore, Ryo. You're not alone in this, and you'll never be. None of us is,' they told me.
They are right, but I cannot break the promise I made to Subaru.
I cannot lead a group I cannot see a future for.
And I cannot stay beside Ohkura without feeling ashamed of myself, right now.
This shameful me, he does not deserve him.
**
I know he needs time.
I do, as well.
I just hoped he didn't need time to adjust to us being this way, as well.
But he did. And I didn't get it until it was too late.
I don't want it to be too late.
I cannot accept this.
I hate wasting time while having to find a way for the two of us, so the only option left is stop thinking at all. And work, work, work, because there's no comeback, and he won't stay still to see where Kanjani8 is trying to go. He'll move forward, as well, and I have to keep up to him.
Because I love him as a childhood friend, and a brother, as a family and as a lover.
He's in the yellow clothes I chose wearing in the photo shoots, the lyrics I sing at Kanjam, the ring I sometimes show off, the places I mention at the radio where I'd love us to spend some time together.
'Far from the madding crowd'.
Can you imagine one day when we'll be able to spend a holiday in Hokkaido, Ryochan?
Me and you and the cows providing the milk you love so much.
Can you see that?
Because I can.
**
That letter.
It was so unfair of him.
He said what I didn't deserve to hear.
He chose talking on my behalf, when I only chose to stay mute.
Because silence can be deafening.
Loving words may, as well.
Maybe I should have never fallen for you to that extent, Ohkura.
Because the way you care and you're there for me, even when I chose leaving, are way more than I could ever be allowed to feel.
You trust me, but I don't deserve you.
I love you, and that is why I left. And that is why I cannot come back without being worth of you again.
Will you still be there, I wonder?
Can you wait until that day, Ohkura?
**
I can, Ryochan.
I can imagine the day you'll feel like venturing to ask if we can meet at my place again.
I do already wonder if that will be before or after the release of my movie. I have a feeling you won't exactly be proud of it, but that you will approve of my decision anyway.
Maybe you'll tell me I'm a bitch, and your cheeks will be red from embarrassment and you'll keep brushing them like you usually do when you're so flustered, and I cannot honestly wait to see such Ryochan.
I miss you.
I'll be missing you, so much. So much.
**
You chose staying with the ones you love and you treasure since the day Shochan got you into Kanjani8.
I cannot say I do not understand.
You were the youngest, the quietest, the most unnoticeable.
Kanjani8 has made you grow into a handsome young man, a brilliant, smart, caring, talented, responsible, impressive one. You've become someone people can look proudly at and talk about. Just like I've always known.
I know you will take care of the group I entrusted you with, without even asking.
I know you will, because I still am very much aware of the endless reasons why I fell for you, day by day, one year after another.
I am so proud.
You're the tough, brave one.
'Ryo-chan is not someone who talks a lot about his feelings, so I am sure he will show what he wants to do with his actions,' you had dared telling me in your velvety voice back then, so long ago. Our gazes meeting. Someone like you attempting to seduce someone like me. You do remember pretty well, right?
The letter you wrote to Eighters is also screaming about us.
That is why I will proudly face you when it'll be right the time, Ohkura.
I want you to be by my side, should you still want me to be by yours, one day.
**
My mobile has rung, today.
It's a reply to a text I had sent quite some days ago.
'It's you who is awesome.'
When I had merely said: 'the Fuji-san pic was awesome. Thanks.'
I nearly choke. It's so unfair. Why is he saying this? Why now, now only?
Is such a bond still there?
I cannot help text back, like an idiot.
'You know it's pointless flirting with me when you've just dumped me, right?'
'I never dumped you, Ohkura.'
'Oh, really?'
'... really.'
'Guess why I had such impression, then.'
'I'm sorry. Can you forgive me for being an idiot?'
'No, of course, or I'd be an idiot myself.'
'I'm back, anyway'.
'... Back where, exactly?'
'In Tokyo. I met some friends earlier.'
'Tssshh... Dissin' me for being a city boy, you Tokyoholic guy.'
I smile. I miss this. Us, the way we are.
'I won't forgive you if you don't pass by, Ryochan.'
'I'm not ready.'
'Nor am I.'
'I'm not worth...'
'Bullshit, Ryochan,' I text him before he keeps looking down at himself, at his choice, whatever. 'Ryochan, I don't care.'
'Well you should, you idiot. I hurt you. I keep doing that.'
'Never. Those 22 years, you know... let's make them something new to start from.'
He doesn't reply anymore. I blankly stare at my mobile, my heart sinking down for the nth time.
'I'm outside.'
'Outside what?'
And then I realize, and I rush to the door.
**
Ohkura looks at me straight in the eyes. Like he's always done.
He never feared me, who I am.
I don't know what to say. I feel like if I'd ever speak one more word, I'd drown into myself for real, this time.
And then he's holding me tight. In his strong arms.
"... Took you long enough, Kobochan," he whispers, lips buried deep in my hair.
I shift in the embrace to hold him even closer, fingers running up to his shaved nape. The way we are, even now.
"... Mmh," I manage to utter. I nod. "I know… Kobochan," I croak.
I grin, between the tears. I hear him giggling softly.
We will be.
**
~Itsuka itsuka itsuka kaeru hi made
kimi to sugoshita jikan wasurenai yo~
~One day, one day, until the day you'll come back
I don't want to forget the time spent with you~
**
Notes: I wrote this two days before the release of Kanjani8 first official pic with Fujisan. Sorry for the unfortunate coincidence.