newest stuff and some old as well
well i am slowly getting over the depression. about time. but there are a few things i would like to say here.
the day after kate and i broke up is the day she found out about the lies that i told her. when i found out that she knew the truth i did something that i swore i would never do. i tried to kill myself. i took a knife and sliced my innerthigh as deep as i could, i could see the vein and i tried many many times to cut it but it wouldnt cut. it isnt that the knife isnt sharp or that i wasnt tryin hard to cut it because the knife is extremely sharp and i was pushing as hard as i could to cut it, i do not know why it didnt cut. at times i am happy that it didnt cut but at other times im pissed that it didnt. right now is one of the times that i am pissed it didnt cut, not because of kate but because i have realized that no matter how good of a friend i have no matter how much they trust me i fuck them over in some way or another. i look back through out my life and it is a pattern. i have screwed over jason many times, steve once, and countless others that i cant even begin to name. the reason i bring up jason and steve is because i hurt themboth bad, i have patched things up with steve but i have yet to patch things up with jason. i screwed him over so many time that i dont think he can ever forgive me for what i did. i stuck my nose where it didnt belong, hell the whole reason i started a lj was so i could rip into him, and for that i have lost the best friend i have ever had.
i am not a happy person anymore. i have become very dark, thats about the best way i can describe how i feel anymore. most everything is dark to me, and no im not talkin about religion just my out look on life now. i hardly smile or anything, im not the fun lovin guy that everyone knows and loves anymore, im just here and pointless. i am leading a pointless existance. im not happy with myself. i wish there was some rewind button on life or a reset button, there are so many things i would change. but there isnt one so i have to live my life and deal with the mistakes i have made. this is a burden i will have til the day i die.
the day after kate and i broke up is the day she found out about the lies that i told her. when i found out that she knew the truth i did something that i swore i would never do. i tried to kill myself. i took a knife and sliced my innerthigh as deep as i could, i could see the vein and i tried many many times to cut it but it wouldnt cut. it isnt that the knife isnt sharp or that i wasnt tryin hard to cut it because the knife is extremely sharp and i was pushing as hard as i could to cut it, i do not know why it didnt cut. at times i am happy that it didnt cut but at other times im pissed that it didnt. right now is one of the times that i am pissed it didnt cut, not because of kate but because i have realized that no matter how good of a friend i have no matter how much they trust me i fuck them over in some way or another. i look back through out my life and it is a pattern. i have screwed over jason many times, steve once, and countless others that i cant even begin to name. the reason i bring up jason and steve is because i hurt themboth bad, i have patched things up with steve but i have yet to patch things up with jason. i screwed him over so many time that i dont think he can ever forgive me for what i did. i stuck my nose where it didnt belong, hell the whole reason i started a lj was so i could rip into him, and for that i have lost the best friend i have ever had.
i am not a happy person anymore. i have become very dark, thats about the best way i can describe how i feel anymore. most everything is dark to me, and no im not talkin about religion just my out look on life now. i hardly smile or anything, im not the fun lovin guy that everyone knows and loves anymore, im just here and pointless. i am leading a pointless existance. im not happy with myself. i wish there was some rewind button on life or a reset button, there are so many things i would change. but there isnt one so i have to live my life and deal with the mistakes i have made. this is a burden i will have til the day i die.