the reason
well as i sit here i am listening to a song that explains why i am depressed and why i have decided to stop lieing. the true reason for all of this is because of kate, everything from me stopping lieing to me moving, it is all due to kate. i hate myself for everything i did to her. now dont get me wrong i am very upset about what i have done to everyone else but they have forgivin me so i am able to forgive myself for that but kate has not forgiven me and i still cannot forgive myself. i know by changing myself that i will not get kate back, i have no hopes of that ever i dont deserve her. every night now for the last week everytime i go to sleep i dream about her and i wake up crying, so not only am i crying myself to sleep but i am now also waking up crying, i see the hurt in her eyes and the disappointment on her face in my dreams and that tears me apart. i love her with all my heart and that makes my life so much worse. and to top it off many of my friends will not talk to me and today i got a card in the mail addresed to kate and myself, yea just salt in the wound, the people that sent it dont know that we are not together anymore so i dont blame them. for everything that has happened i blame only myself, i lied to kate which made her not want to talk to me, i couldnt make her happy which made she and i break up. she was happy at one point buti fucked that up, wow another fuck up by me, seems a trend with me huh, i get something good going and i have to fuck it up.
i know no one believes that i am going to move but in fact i am, there are to many emotional ties here and i cant take it anymore, as soon as i get y taxes i am gone, sorry everyone but it is true, yea everyone the whole 3 people that read this. i just cant take the emotional pain anymore it is to much for me. everywhere i look i see something that reminds me of kate and yea those memories are great they hurt so much because i know that there will be no more of them.
right now i am fighting back tears, just thinking about everything that i have done to so many people, i am a horrible person. as wel as crying myself to sleep everynight i get suicidal urges, i know im not going to act on them again but i get them, yes i said again i sliced my inner thigh in an attempt to kill myself and i really tried, i sat there hacking at the vein or artery whatever it is there and it wouldnt cut, i want to do it again but i wont there are to many people out there that i would hurt by that. again one of the reasons i wont do it is because i dont want to hurt kate anymore than i already have. i hope one day she will forgive me but i dont see that happening anytime soon. no matter if kate forgives me or not i wil not be staying in this state i have done way to much dammage to the people i love, i amnot gonig to do it again, so yea it may hurt some that i am moving but that hurt is much less than if i stay here.
i am sorry to everyone that i cant tell you this in person but most of you are at city club and i know i am not welcome there nor do i want to risk running into kate there, it would end up messy and i dont want, and in messy i mean i would end up walking out the door crying. so if anyone wants to talk to me you all have my number and if you dont it is (734)283-2113 feel free to call and if anyone sees bill and amanda santiago ask them to call me.
thankyou all for the memories and i love you all. i will keep everyone posted as to when i leave and maybe we can all get together for coffee b4 i leave.
i know no one believes that i am going to move but in fact i am, there are to many emotional ties here and i cant take it anymore, as soon as i get y taxes i am gone, sorry everyone but it is true, yea everyone the whole 3 people that read this. i just cant take the emotional pain anymore it is to much for me. everywhere i look i see something that reminds me of kate and yea those memories are great they hurt so much because i know that there will be no more of them.
right now i am fighting back tears, just thinking about everything that i have done to so many people, i am a horrible person. as wel as crying myself to sleep everynight i get suicidal urges, i know im not going to act on them again but i get them, yes i said again i sliced my inner thigh in an attempt to kill myself and i really tried, i sat there hacking at the vein or artery whatever it is there and it wouldnt cut, i want to do it again but i wont there are to many people out there that i would hurt by that. again one of the reasons i wont do it is because i dont want to hurt kate anymore than i already have. i hope one day she will forgive me but i dont see that happening anytime soon. no matter if kate forgives me or not i wil not be staying in this state i have done way to much dammage to the people i love, i amnot gonig to do it again, so yea it may hurt some that i am moving but that hurt is much less than if i stay here.
i am sorry to everyone that i cant tell you this in person but most of you are at city club and i know i am not welcome there nor do i want to risk running into kate there, it would end up messy and i dont want, and in messy i mean i would end up walking out the door crying. so if anyone wants to talk to me you all have my number and if you dont it is (734)283-2113 feel free to call and if anyone sees bill and amanda santiago ask them to call me.
thankyou all for the memories and i love you all. i will keep everyone posted as to when i leave and maybe we can all get together for coffee b4 i leave.