(no subject)
AM
I don't know what to do.
I've cried so much in the past couple days.
I don't like admitting to that; I never used to...
I just.. really am lost.. and loosing hope... and.. desperate..
The mask of 'everythings okay' is so hard to put on right now.
My mother has said so many times that she doesn't know how I've managed to deal with the things life has thrown at me.
I've always answered her and others the same way - "I don't have a choice".
I have to deal with things. I have to keep going.
Life has really been getting to me lately though.
I went from being a kid, to being a parent..
Looking at a birthday next week, I don't have a smile.
I miss happy birthdays.
I'm thinking that my life is nearly half over... and I'm a mess.
I've been doing all I can do, the best way I can for so long..
No breaks. No time out. No worry-free days in which I can simply breathe a sigh of relief with a knowledge that everything is okay/taken care of.
Oh how I would love a temporary reprieve.
My best has never been good enough.
And that knowledge has been beating me hard lately.
It's effecting me physically.
The stress,the migraines, the mild panic attacks.
There's no one to watch the little monsters if ...
So I fake my way through.. take a few deep breaths and try to relax..
PM
I've been staring at two bills.. both have to be paid in the next few days. No way around it. Have.To.
I have the money for neither.
And Thing1 just wants to use a few dollars to get a birthday present.
Thing1: "What do you want for your birthday?"
Me: "Nothing from a store.. I'd like a calm day that ends with us all watching a movie and sharing some blankets and popcorn."
Thing1: " Just a little something.. anything..? You won't even have to drive me to the store, ____'s mom will take us."
Yeah.. reminder that I'm almost on an empty tank and have no gas money either.
So, there you have it.
There can't be a much lower feeling than this... Failing the innocent...
What a great parent I turned out to be.
I just hope I can keep up the act so they really don't know how bad things are.
I just don't know how to keep doing it though..
I don't know what to do.
I've cried so much in the past couple days.
I don't like admitting to that; I never used to...
I just.. really am lost.. and loosing hope... and.. desperate..
The mask of 'everythings okay' is so hard to put on right now.
My mother has said so many times that she doesn't know how I've managed to deal with the things life has thrown at me.
I've always answered her and others the same way - "I don't have a choice".
I have to deal with things. I have to keep going.
Life has really been getting to me lately though.
I went from being a kid, to being a parent..
Looking at a birthday next week, I don't have a smile.
I miss happy birthdays.
I'm thinking that my life is nearly half over... and I'm a mess.
I've been doing all I can do, the best way I can for so long..
No breaks. No time out. No worry-free days in which I can simply breathe a sigh of relief with a knowledge that everything is okay/taken care of.
Oh how I would love a temporary reprieve.
My best has never been good enough.
And that knowledge has been beating me hard lately.
It's effecting me physically.
The stress,the migraines, the mild panic attacks.
There's no one to watch the little monsters if ...
So I fake my way through.. take a few deep breaths and try to relax..
PM
I've been staring at two bills.. both have to be paid in the next few days. No way around it. Have.To.
I have the money for neither.
And Thing1 just wants to use a few dollars to get a birthday present.
Thing1: "What do you want for your birthday?"
Me: "Nothing from a store.. I'd like a calm day that ends with us all watching a movie and sharing some blankets and popcorn."
Thing1: " Just a little something.. anything..? You won't even have to drive me to the store, ____'s mom will take us."
Yeah.. reminder that I'm almost on an empty tank and have no gas money either.
So, there you have it.
There can't be a much lower feeling than this... Failing the innocent...
What a great parent I turned out to be.
I just hope I can keep up the act so they really don't know how bad things are.
I just don't know how to keep doing it though..