(no subject)
I have much to say, but as usual will likely not say much at all.
The details are not in the length of conversation but in between the lines and hiding in plain sight where not many bother to look.
Sometimes my gaze looks blank or distant, but there's so much racing through my head.
Thanksgiving and Christmas with the family were both different this year.
I wholly confess that both worked out well and I liked it this way much better than 'the usual'.
I wish my family were closer.
I don't mean that in a mileage kind of way.
On the flip side of that, I've spent most of my life feeling trapped and trying/wanting desperately to escape.
Maybe it's not truly the flip side..
I do question myself.
I would love to fall asleep in someones arms.
I'm searching. Always have been. Sometimes not consciously.
And it's been the source of both edges.
Happiness so great that it cannot possibly be described by words.. and hurt that is It's exact opposite.
I've made decisions in good faith and traveled paths I thought were the golden brick road only to discover the facade too late...
I've let myself down and worse, others.. more often than not.
My birthday is next Monday. My thoughts and feelings are not tied to the reflections of another year passing.
For my birthday, I'd love nothing more than a calm day ending with a good movie, popcorn and being surrounded with love.
.. A girl can dream.
I watched "It's a Wonderful Life" on Sunday. With my little portable DVD player I was cozy under a blanket, alone on the couch, yet not alone in the room.
I watch it every Christmas season at least once.
This year was the first time I felt sick and wanted to turn it off at the point where Old Man Potter had the lost money in his possession while listening to George plead for help.
What kind of person then proceeds to attempt to bring punishment upon an innocent, well-meaning man?
Identifying too strongly with the scene, I had to talk myself into continuing.
D*.. I will leave the year out, but it was several ago...
We both had troubles thinking of gifts. So the cards to each other had a "get yourself something" inside..
The card from you, safe in its envelope.. worn with numerous openings/closings/rereadings is still in my firesafe. Inside is still the "I just don't know what to get"..
And I too, still don't know what to use it for.
Sure, bills could use a little help. ( a lot, honestly). Many things would make me smile if I took them from their store shelves and gave them a new home..
But I've had this strange thing in my head that just won't go away.
It was from you.
I can't seem to let it go for anything less than "this is perfectly from you".
Someday, perhaps I'll see a "this" through eyes that are mine and a voice that is yours whispering "ah-ha".
The details are not in the length of conversation but in between the lines and hiding in plain sight where not many bother to look.
Sometimes my gaze looks blank or distant, but there's so much racing through my head.
Thanksgiving and Christmas with the family were both different this year.
I wholly confess that both worked out well and I liked it this way much better than 'the usual'.
I wish my family were closer.
I don't mean that in a mileage kind of way.
On the flip side of that, I've spent most of my life feeling trapped and trying/wanting desperately to escape.
Maybe it's not truly the flip side..
I do question myself.
I would love to fall asleep in someones arms.
I'm searching. Always have been. Sometimes not consciously.
And it's been the source of both edges.
Happiness so great that it cannot possibly be described by words.. and hurt that is It's exact opposite.
I've made decisions in good faith and traveled paths I thought were the golden brick road only to discover the facade too late...
I've let myself down and worse, others.. more often than not.
My birthday is next Monday. My thoughts and feelings are not tied to the reflections of another year passing.
For my birthday, I'd love nothing more than a calm day ending with a good movie, popcorn and being surrounded with love.
.. A girl can dream.
I watched "It's a Wonderful Life" on Sunday. With my little portable DVD player I was cozy under a blanket, alone on the couch, yet not alone in the room.
I watch it every Christmas season at least once.
This year was the first time I felt sick and wanted to turn it off at the point where Old Man Potter had the lost money in his possession while listening to George plead for help.
What kind of person then proceeds to attempt to bring punishment upon an innocent, well-meaning man?
Identifying too strongly with the scene, I had to talk myself into continuing.
D*.. I will leave the year out, but it was several ago...
We both had troubles thinking of gifts. So the cards to each other had a "get yourself something" inside..
The card from you, safe in its envelope.. worn with numerous openings/closings/rereadings is still in my firesafe. Inside is still the "I just don't know what to get"..
And I too, still don't know what to use it for.
Sure, bills could use a little help. ( a lot, honestly). Many things would make me smile if I took them from their store shelves and gave them a new home..
But I've had this strange thing in my head that just won't go away.
It was from you.
I can't seem to let it go for anything less than "this is perfectly from you".
Someday, perhaps I'll see a "this" through eyes that are mine and a voice that is yours whispering "ah-ha".