I have been codependent. I am healing from it now.
I had a moment earlier. Doesn't matter why. Maybe I'll go into it another time.
I realized that despite some of the challenges and circumstantials that I might wish to change I feel very much at home right now.
Three mornings ago I was up all night, and I finally passed out. Woke up a couple hours later and noticed it. I felt appreciated. I felt welcomed. I felt not-a-burden (even while I am being a relative inconvenience, too.)
I called out to a dear friend. We had a couple conversations before I left. I called out to her, "Honey, you were right. I didn't want to believe you were right, but you were right." (I don't name you cause I don't want to cause you problems. But you know who you are, sweetie.)
I don't understand why I put myself through that, anymore. I thought it was to demonstrate my love. I was wrong. That wasn't love. That was many things, but it was not love.
I think I was addicted to it. I think I was a junkie.
I realize I have been codependent.
It's so clear once you're out of the circumstance. I didn't see it before.
I see so many people I know suffering in this same circumstance. I realize why we feel so connected. I realize why the moment things with Mandi seemed headed that way, I walked out immediately. I realize why it was so emotionally traumatic to get out of a circumstance that was also so painful for me.
So I'm just going to let people know. I won't be writing directly about any of this for 3-4 months, as I promised myself before I left. I'm going to do the things I need to do in order to heal and change the patterns.
But at some point, I will be open about the torture I put myself through as a codependent. And some of you will recognize yourself in my patterns. I want to demonstrate through my choices that there's nothing to be ashamed of. We humiliate ourselves enough. It's a social disease We're all just individual manifestations of that social disease plaguing sectors of our society. I don't think there is anything shameful in saying, "I have behaved in ways that are sick, self-torturing, needy, and dysfunctional."
I don't think shame is good at all, but if someone does have cause to seriously reconsider their choices, then I believe it is the person who recognizes and on some level knows that they are going through the same things, but refuses to do what is needed to get help and liberate themselves from their miserable lives. If nothing else, I hope to demonstrate that one can have dignity, even while being open about the undignified ways one has treated oneself.
I realized that despite some of the challenges and circumstantials that I might wish to change I feel very much at home right now.
Three mornings ago I was up all night, and I finally passed out. Woke up a couple hours later and noticed it. I felt appreciated. I felt welcomed. I felt not-a-burden (even while I am being a relative inconvenience, too.)
I called out to a dear friend. We had a couple conversations before I left. I called out to her, "Honey, you were right. I didn't want to believe you were right, but you were right." (I don't name you cause I don't want to cause you problems. But you know who you are, sweetie.)
I don't understand why I put myself through that, anymore. I thought it was to demonstrate my love. I was wrong. That wasn't love. That was many things, but it was not love.
I think I was addicted to it. I think I was a junkie.
I realize I have been codependent.
It's so clear once you're out of the circumstance. I didn't see it before.
I see so many people I know suffering in this same circumstance. I realize why we feel so connected. I realize why the moment things with Mandi seemed headed that way, I walked out immediately. I realize why it was so emotionally traumatic to get out of a circumstance that was also so painful for me.
So I'm just going to let people know. I won't be writing directly about any of this for 3-4 months, as I promised myself before I left. I'm going to do the things I need to do in order to heal and change the patterns.
But at some point, I will be open about the torture I put myself through as a codependent. And some of you will recognize yourself in my patterns. I want to demonstrate through my choices that there's nothing to be ashamed of. We humiliate ourselves enough. It's a social disease We're all just individual manifestations of that social disease plaguing sectors of our society. I don't think there is anything shameful in saying, "I have behaved in ways that are sick, self-torturing, needy, and dysfunctional."
I don't think shame is good at all, but if someone does have cause to seriously reconsider their choices, then I believe it is the person who recognizes and on some level knows that they are going through the same things, but refuses to do what is needed to get help and liberate themselves from their miserable lives. If nothing else, I hope to demonstrate that one can have dignity, even while being open about the undignified ways one has treated oneself.