more about mom...
Anyway.. on the mom front...she's still hanging in. I don't know what she's hanging on for. She seemed a little more relaxed and peaceful today. I gave her some morphine and lorazepam (for anxiety/restlessness), so she slept most of the day. I think she's getting closer to her time, her breathing is getting more and more infrequent (kinda like apnea), and I was told it doesn't hurt... it's just part of the dying process. This may be selfish on my part, but I hope nothing happens til at least sunday. Some of her friends have other plans this weekend (court dates, weddings, etc...) and I would just hate for it to have to happen then. It would be such a downer, especially if it happened on the day of the wedding. I just hope it happens peacefully, and as painless as possible.
Truth be told, I do not want to be the one that finds her. I've had that experience once in my life, and I don't want it again. Yet, I have this feeling deep down that it will be me. It was bad enough and hard enough waking up and finding out that your great-grandmother had died during the night at the kitchen table while trying to give herself a breathing treatment. ("Official" cause of death was cardiac arrest... there was no autopsy since she just saw her doctor the monday before she died and was still under doctor's care.) I certainly don't want to find my mom. And, I really don't want to be in the room with her when she dies. I think that is why I haven't been spending as much time with her as I used to. I've accepted the fact my mom is going to die, but I could never prepare myself to be with her as she actually dies. And, I've already had the unpleasant experience of finding a dead body. It is not something I really want to experience again.
Maybe I'm scared. I know that I don't want to let her go, but I have to. I just don't know how to picture my life without my mom. My mom has always been a big part of my life, and always been there for me, and she's leaving me. I know that she will always be by my side, spiritually, but it's not the same as being able to sit and talk to her face to face, on the phone, or even online. It is going to be so hard to get used to that. I'm still getting used to the fact I can't call up my great-grandmother and talk to her on the phone. It's just not the same....
Truth be told, I do not want to be the one that finds her. I've had that experience once in my life, and I don't want it again. Yet, I have this feeling deep down that it will be me. It was bad enough and hard enough waking up and finding out that your great-grandmother had died during the night at the kitchen table while trying to give herself a breathing treatment. ("Official" cause of death was cardiac arrest... there was no autopsy since she just saw her doctor the monday before she died and was still under doctor's care.) I certainly don't want to find my mom. And, I really don't want to be in the room with her when she dies. I think that is why I haven't been spending as much time with her as I used to. I've accepted the fact my mom is going to die, but I could never prepare myself to be with her as she actually dies. And, I've already had the unpleasant experience of finding a dead body. It is not something I really want to experience again.
Maybe I'm scared. I know that I don't want to let her go, but I have to. I just don't know how to picture my life without my mom. My mom has always been a big part of my life, and always been there for me, and she's leaving me. I know that she will always be by my side, spiritually, but it's not the same as being able to sit and talk to her face to face, on the phone, or even online. It is going to be so hard to get used to that. I'm still getting used to the fact I can't call up my great-grandmother and talk to her on the phone. It's just not the same....