why do I only write these when I'm sad?
So its been a while...as usual.
And here I am again...summer oh eight. I went into this summer thinking it was going to be a flop and guess what? I was right! There is so few people here I can really connect with and share my life with anymore. And half of the people I really want to see don't want to see me anymore. What a bummer.
I am really glad for the few of those that do miss me, and have made an effort to see me. I am trying, but its hard when your life has changed so much.
I am still really hung up and depressed about a certain someone. I guess its just the lack of resolution I feel that makes me queezy every time I think about this person. I still don't understand. Since I don't understand, its hard for me to be angry or hate this person. I just feel pity. I feel sorry for myself, since I not only don't know what I did, but I don't know how to make it better, I don't know how I could have prevented it from happening, and I don't know if I want to make it better. After someone hurts you so badly, how can you go back to them? How can you apologize for something you didn't do? I feel sorry for myself because now I am missing a part of me that I gave to someone to protect and cherish, and they just discarded it, like it was nothing. I have this hole in my heart that just hurts, but doesn't know how to heal, and is just waiting. I still cry because I still wanted to be with this person, to share laughs and memories and to make new ones, but now thats just not possible. I just feel so betrayed. And now I hardly have someone to talk to about things like this. I just wish I could be angry or happy or anything besides this horrible, endless pit that I feel every night before I go to sleep. I wish I could forget and move on, but its not that easy when you are just left hanging without an explanation. Ok I'm done ranting.I just want to be able to enjoy my summer with people I love that love me back. Thats really hard to ask for, though.
I know you don't read this, mason, but you are awesome.
I need money.
I think I'm going to move to another country.
*edit*
I drank with my parents and brother last night! So exciting!
And here I am again...summer oh eight. I went into this summer thinking it was going to be a flop and guess what? I was right! There is so few people here I can really connect with and share my life with anymore. And half of the people I really want to see don't want to see me anymore. What a bummer.
I am really glad for the few of those that do miss me, and have made an effort to see me. I am trying, but its hard when your life has changed so much.
I am still really hung up and depressed about a certain someone. I guess its just the lack of resolution I feel that makes me queezy every time I think about this person. I still don't understand. Since I don't understand, its hard for me to be angry or hate this person. I just feel pity. I feel sorry for myself, since I not only don't know what I did, but I don't know how to make it better, I don't know how I could have prevented it from happening, and I don't know if I want to make it better. After someone hurts you so badly, how can you go back to them? How can you apologize for something you didn't do? I feel sorry for myself because now I am missing a part of me that I gave to someone to protect and cherish, and they just discarded it, like it was nothing. I have this hole in my heart that just hurts, but doesn't know how to heal, and is just waiting. I still cry because I still wanted to be with this person, to share laughs and memories and to make new ones, but now thats just not possible. I just feel so betrayed. And now I hardly have someone to talk to about things like this. I just wish I could be angry or happy or anything besides this horrible, endless pit that I feel every night before I go to sleep. I wish I could forget and move on, but its not that easy when you are just left hanging without an explanation. Ok I'm done ranting.I just want to be able to enjoy my summer with people I love that love me back. Thats really hard to ask for, though.
I know you don't read this, mason, but you are awesome.
I need money.
I think I'm going to move to another country.
*edit*
I drank with my parents and brother last night! So exciting!