much better, today.
I'm not going to go into detail, because I think its kinda personal, but heres the deal: Mike and I were on some real rough times lately. Some of it I wrote in here, and some of it I would rather spare my family and the rest of you of. Basically, I have never been so sure in my life that I belong with him. I really believe that he is my soulmate and that we are meant to be together. I mean, sure, it took a lot out of me the past couple of years, and maybe it shouldn't have, but oh well. I dont even care anymore, because not a bit of it even matters. I love him so much. I can't wait until he comes home (I won't probably ever go there because I will be in school forever). Anyway, I just wanted to talk about that whole happy note ending thing.
Also, I talked to him and the whole way I have been feelings about the Justin thing. He figured it out better than I could. Apparently I missed something along the way. Mike thinks that the reason I am so sad about it is because before at least there was a chance of seeing him again, and now, I know he's gone forever (a feeling that I am getting quite used to, nonetheless, it still hurts pretty bad). I guess I get it now. The more I think about it the more it makes sense to me. I dont really know the person that he was now, but I did know him back in the day. For some reason, I think that there was always a thought that we could be friends if it came down to it, subconsiously. I think I finally realize that there is no way in hell that I am gonna see him ever again. I am never gonna go to some open house and see him standing three and be shocked the shit out of because he has his life together. I douno, I guess its just a reality that is a little different from what I am used to.
Usually, except Lorianne, everyone that I knew that has died was at least in her or his late 30s. and I have never known anyone to take their own life. Especially someone that I remember talking about killing himself...we all blew it off, thinking that it was nothing, because that just was the way that he was. Granted, this was like 5 years ago, and no one could known that he woulda done it recently, when everything was going to wonderful. I guess it is just always easier to blame someone else for the death of something or someone that you love so much. Even old age, you never consider that the old person may have given u pand ended their lives. You just take it and say "Well, they were old." Or my Godmother, who died from Oding on pills and crap, she was a mess before she died, and it may very well have been her own fault for her death, but everyone just says "She wouldn't have ever killed herself, she loved her life." That's crap. Everyone hates their lives a little. And, most people, have considered what it would be like without them here and taken it pretty seriously sometime in their past. I guess my biggest problem is, I have always been able to blame someone else, even maybe GOD, but never had to blame the person that I am missing. I think that is one of the reasons that I am so pissed off about Justin's death, even though we weren't that close anymore. I think its all about the person to blame. I could always blame someone else for not ever having the chance to be close with him again, but who is there to blame? Who is there to blame that Summer Joy will never have a father? No one. Only Justin. Justin is to blame for his own death, and I guess everyone has the right to be pissed off. I know that a couple of my friends were mad when they first found out that he killed himself. I was just confused. Now I am to the point where I wanna hug Adam and Shelby and go on with my life.
There was something else that I wanted to talk about today. For some reason after all that Justin talk, I forget what it was...
Also, I talked to him and the whole way I have been feelings about the Justin thing. He figured it out better than I could. Apparently I missed something along the way. Mike thinks that the reason I am so sad about it is because before at least there was a chance of seeing him again, and now, I know he's gone forever (a feeling that I am getting quite used to, nonetheless, it still hurts pretty bad). I guess I get it now. The more I think about it the more it makes sense to me. I dont really know the person that he was now, but I did know him back in the day. For some reason, I think that there was always a thought that we could be friends if it came down to it, subconsiously. I think I finally realize that there is no way in hell that I am gonna see him ever again. I am never gonna go to some open house and see him standing three and be shocked the shit out of because he has his life together. I douno, I guess its just a reality that is a little different from what I am used to.
Usually, except Lorianne, everyone that I knew that has died was at least in her or his late 30s. and I have never known anyone to take their own life. Especially someone that I remember talking about killing himself...we all blew it off, thinking that it was nothing, because that just was the way that he was. Granted, this was like 5 years ago, and no one could known that he woulda done it recently, when everything was going to wonderful. I guess it is just always easier to blame someone else for the death of something or someone that you love so much. Even old age, you never consider that the old person may have given u pand ended their lives. You just take it and say "Well, they were old." Or my Godmother, who died from Oding on pills and crap, she was a mess before she died, and it may very well have been her own fault for her death, but everyone just says "She wouldn't have ever killed herself, she loved her life." That's crap. Everyone hates their lives a little. And, most people, have considered what it would be like without them here and taken it pretty seriously sometime in their past. I guess my biggest problem is, I have always been able to blame someone else, even maybe GOD, but never had to blame the person that I am missing. I think that is one of the reasons that I am so pissed off about Justin's death, even though we weren't that close anymore. I think its all about the person to blame. I could always blame someone else for not ever having the chance to be close with him again, but who is there to blame? Who is there to blame that Summer Joy will never have a father? No one. Only Justin. Justin is to blame for his own death, and I guess everyone has the right to be pissed off. I know that a couple of my friends were mad when they first found out that he killed himself. I was just confused. Now I am to the point where I wanna hug Adam and Shelby and go on with my life.
There was something else that I wanted to talk about today. For some reason after all that Justin talk, I forget what it was...