What to Bitch about Today??!
There are a couple of things that are really getting to me today. I think in general, I am depressed or something. I mostly want to lay in bed. My strive for school has flown out the window sometime within the last week. I hate class, and I hate going. I have no reason to believe that I am ever gonna be able to do anything with my life anyway. Maybe thats the depresion talking (I think so....). Anyway, there are about a million things running through my head at all times, and I think I might be a little bipolar about them all. I am really worried about my relationship falling apart, and apparently, according to Mike, I have every reason to be completely on the defense about it. He claims that because of his shit last week and then just the shit that I have been feeling lately, that I have some random reason that I should be worried. He also claims that it is not nessisary for me to worry and that I can stop walking on egg shells now, because he's gonna leave me...But how the hell am I supposed to know that? Espcially after the shit that he pulled last week? I douno, I guess I should just have faith that whatever is supposed to happen will and that I need not worry myself over little retarded things anymore.
Then, theres this whole Justin crap. I dont know why I was even thinking about it. I just did today and for some reason I cried. I think I am just a mess and we used to talk about suicide together when I was 14, so I think thats where Justin comes into play here. The more I think about it the more it breaks my heart. Poor kiddo. It also confuses me though, because I miss someone that i haven't seen in 2 years, and that I havent been close with in about 4... I douno, just made me cry. I think I also cry for his babies, Donovan and Summer Joy (due in March sometime). And mostly for Misti. I mean I am away from my boy for 4 or 5 months at a time, and there are points when I feel like I would rather die than wake up to not be with him. I can only imagine how she feels. Justin was her fiance, her life; the guy who raised her baby as his own...I just couldn't imagine. I wanna like hug her. We don't even know eachother though. I dont even remember her from high school. I just feel for her...and Shelb, and Adam and the rest of them that lost him. I still haven't written anything on his memorial page, and I dont think that I ever will. I guess I just think that maybe I should leave it as is. I think that where he's at he knows that I miss him (although i dont know how you miss someone you havent seen in 2 years!) and that our past together does mean something to me. I guess i just dont feel the need to express that in words that everyone and their mother can see on myspace. Of course I cry. Of course I feel...end of discussion.
I'm supposed to go up to Central on Saturday. I don't know that I will even go though, because I dont really have any money. Plus, because I am the one with the car, I always have to pay for the gas. I fucking hate it. I dont have the money to put that much in my tank, so we probably wont go, which sucks, because I was pretty excited. I couldn't drink anyway, because, once again, no money. I need to go home next weekend too, and I stil lhaven't figured out how I am gonna get the gas to do that after working next week and driving to and from there. Whatever though, when people start forking out gas money, I guess thats when I will be more willing to drive our happy asses places.
PS-I love Bush. Like I love the band. I can't help it. I wanna like get up and dance when i hear some of their shit. It reminds me of dancing alone in the drak with like strobe lights in that mood where you know you can just let go of everything and that even if people are watching, they wont care. I love the song "Chemicals Between Us." Its just wonderful to me. I can't really explain the love for it. Actually, I have been listening to some reandom shit lately. I am so far back into Nirvana that I am absolutly in love with Kurt Cobain again. I mean, they have always been my fav, but I go in and out sometimes with them...and lately, thats all I listen to. I love Sublime. I have also been listening to Jimmy Eat World, because I love them too. I just feel like maybe the music is the beginning of finding me again.
Maybe I should explain that last sentance. I was once this girl, who very few people liked, actually, but I never cared. I was me. I had my friends, I had the people I knew who loved me. Granted, this was about 4 or 5 years ago, but for some reason, I feel like I lost that girl. I used to be all about partyin it up. I used to love to jam out...I used to love me. That went away with the weight I gained, the depression I apparently went into, and just everything in general. That girl always knew what she would do with her life. She knew that she didn't need a spacific guy to feel good, as long as she had SOMEONE, she was happy. Thats not me anymore. If I dont have Mike, I am a wreck. I dont wanna worry about that anymore. I dont know what I am doing with my life anymore, and thats stressful. I dont want to give the impression that this girl was a heartless, unfeeling bitch, because it was nothing like that. She had confidence, that i lack. She hung out with the kids who skated, the kids who played football, the kids who wore fishnet shirts and played guitar. She had friends. The difference between her and I, I guess, is that she knew where her life was leading her. She smoked pot. She snorted coke a couple of times...she drank a helluva lot. But she knew how to have the balance. The balance between an almost perfect school record, a boyfriend, a social life. There a couple of things that I am that she wasn't though. She treated her parents like ass. Poor parents. She was cocky, because she knew that she would never have to be alone. I miss her. I miss the fun she had. The boys that lined up around the block, even the hell she had to deal with, with a couple of choice boys (Adam and Shelby). I miss how simple her life was. It was easier than this thing I like to call a life.
I don't want anyone to like call the cops because I am talking about myself as to people. I am not a psycho (at least not enough to act on). I just realize the person I used to be sometimes. I dont know where I lost the good parts of me that were in her, and where these bad things came from. I just miss shit, I guess.
By the way...Saw a picture of Trish's baby. I hate Trish, but let me tell you, that baby is absolutly adorable. I dont know how she got blessed with such a great kid. Anyway, I have a Calc quiz tomarrow, so I should probably be studying for that, huh?
Then, theres this whole Justin crap. I dont know why I was even thinking about it. I just did today and for some reason I cried. I think I am just a mess and we used to talk about suicide together when I was 14, so I think thats where Justin comes into play here. The more I think about it the more it breaks my heart. Poor kiddo. It also confuses me though, because I miss someone that i haven't seen in 2 years, and that I havent been close with in about 4... I douno, just made me cry. I think I also cry for his babies, Donovan and Summer Joy (due in March sometime). And mostly for Misti. I mean I am away from my boy for 4 or 5 months at a time, and there are points when I feel like I would rather die than wake up to not be with him. I can only imagine how she feels. Justin was her fiance, her life; the guy who raised her baby as his own...I just couldn't imagine. I wanna like hug her. We don't even know eachother though. I dont even remember her from high school. I just feel for her...and Shelb, and Adam and the rest of them that lost him. I still haven't written anything on his memorial page, and I dont think that I ever will. I guess I just think that maybe I should leave it as is. I think that where he's at he knows that I miss him (although i dont know how you miss someone you havent seen in 2 years!) and that our past together does mean something to me. I guess i just dont feel the need to express that in words that everyone and their mother can see on myspace. Of course I cry. Of course I feel...end of discussion.
I'm supposed to go up to Central on Saturday. I don't know that I will even go though, because I dont really have any money. Plus, because I am the one with the car, I always have to pay for the gas. I fucking hate it. I dont have the money to put that much in my tank, so we probably wont go, which sucks, because I was pretty excited. I couldn't drink anyway, because, once again, no money. I need to go home next weekend too, and I stil lhaven't figured out how I am gonna get the gas to do that after working next week and driving to and from there. Whatever though, when people start forking out gas money, I guess thats when I will be more willing to drive our happy asses places.
PS-I love Bush. Like I love the band. I can't help it. I wanna like get up and dance when i hear some of their shit. It reminds me of dancing alone in the drak with like strobe lights in that mood where you know you can just let go of everything and that even if people are watching, they wont care. I love the song "Chemicals Between Us." Its just wonderful to me. I can't really explain the love for it. Actually, I have been listening to some reandom shit lately. I am so far back into Nirvana that I am absolutly in love with Kurt Cobain again. I mean, they have always been my fav, but I go in and out sometimes with them...and lately, thats all I listen to. I love Sublime. I have also been listening to Jimmy Eat World, because I love them too. I just feel like maybe the music is the beginning of finding me again.
Maybe I should explain that last sentance. I was once this girl, who very few people liked, actually, but I never cared. I was me. I had my friends, I had the people I knew who loved me. Granted, this was about 4 or 5 years ago, but for some reason, I feel like I lost that girl. I used to be all about partyin it up. I used to love to jam out...I used to love me. That went away with the weight I gained, the depression I apparently went into, and just everything in general. That girl always knew what she would do with her life. She knew that she didn't need a spacific guy to feel good, as long as she had SOMEONE, she was happy. Thats not me anymore. If I dont have Mike, I am a wreck. I dont wanna worry about that anymore. I dont know what I am doing with my life anymore, and thats stressful. I dont want to give the impression that this girl was a heartless, unfeeling bitch, because it was nothing like that. She had confidence, that i lack. She hung out with the kids who skated, the kids who played football, the kids who wore fishnet shirts and played guitar. She had friends. The difference between her and I, I guess, is that she knew where her life was leading her. She smoked pot. She snorted coke a couple of times...she drank a helluva lot. But she knew how to have the balance. The balance between an almost perfect school record, a boyfriend, a social life. There a couple of things that I am that she wasn't though. She treated her parents like ass. Poor parents. She was cocky, because she knew that she would never have to be alone. I miss her. I miss the fun she had. The boys that lined up around the block, even the hell she had to deal with, with a couple of choice boys (Adam and Shelby). I miss how simple her life was. It was easier than this thing I like to call a life.
I don't want anyone to like call the cops because I am talking about myself as to people. I am not a psycho (at least not enough to act on). I just realize the person I used to be sometimes. I dont know where I lost the good parts of me that were in her, and where these bad things came from. I just miss shit, I guess.
By the way...Saw a picture of Trish's baby. I hate Trish, but let me tell you, that baby is absolutly adorable. I dont know how she got blessed with such a great kid. Anyway, I have a Calc quiz tomarrow, so I should probably be studying for that, huh?