Fic (kinda): Just Say No. Or Yes. Or No. (Marvelverse, PG-13)
Title: Just Say No. Or Yes. Or No.
Fandom: Marvel(ish)
Rating: PG-13
To be taken seriously: Definitely not.
Note: Every single bit of dialogue was taken directly from the subject lines in my spam folder tonight. I added punctuation, sometimes, but I left the spelling.
Just Say No. Or Yes. Or No.
It was a dark and stormy night. Several of the X-Men and their friends were gathered in the mansion's rec room, watching television and having snacks and talking.
During a commercial, Logan took a swig of beer. "Ladies can sence a confident man, and they like it," he said.
Bobby snickered. "Get ready to make her happy."
But Hank, sitting cross-legged on the floor, nodded sagely. "You should see me now, i am so much more confident with the women." He smiled and waggled his eyebrows above the rims of his spectacles. "Viagra 50mg x 10 pills US $59.95," he added, lowering his voice nearly to a whisper.
Bobby and Peter Parker both looked shocked, but Logan gave Hank a knowing nod. "Women always feel that penis size does matter."
Hank gestured with his soda can, getting more animated by the moment. "80% of women think their partners penis is small!"
"Please update your details!" Peter gasped, looking somewhere between embarrassed and horrified.
Logan took another drink and shrugged. "You need to review this."
"Buy now Viagra (Sildenafil) 100mg x 90 pills, which stimulates more nerve endings, resulting in a more pleasurable experience," Hank suggested kindly. "Find out who has a crush on you. You will truly be amazed at the results." He chuckled and gave Peter and Bobby both friendly jabs in the ribs. "Your partner will give you a new nikname... "big boy"!"
Just then, Scott, who had been involved in a game of high-stakes pool with Matt Murdock and Reed Richards, came over, arms folded in front of his chest. "Avoid enhancement pills," he said sternly, sounding disapproving. "Relax and have fun with poker."
Matt came to stand beside Scott and nodded, obviously also anti-drugs. "Get an degree in criminal justice online," he suggested. "Qualify for a law scholarship! Take your education to the next level. Criminal Justice careers are very rewarding, we can help."
Reed took a sip of his Coke, then nodded enthusiastically. "Need S0ftware?" he asked Peter helpfully. "We have it all!"
Peter looked around at all of them doubtfully, but Bobby beat him to the question on both their minds. "Keeps You Ready?"
Now it was Hank and Logan's turn to share a look and grin. " With M.anster you will only get one thing, Results," Logan growled. He popped two claws out and held them about twelve inches apart to illustrate. "Want 1 inch more or 3 more inches? you decide."
Hank nodded so hard his glasses nearly fell off. "94% of women agree a larger penis is a visual turn-on!"
Now Reed looked intrigued. "Cheap Viagra wanted!" he exclaimed, earning him red-lensed glares from both Scott and Matt.
But Logan looked pleased. So pleased, in fact, that he got up and clapped Reed on the shoulder. "Best pills for sex from Canada. Get ready to make her happy," he muttered.
Reed beamed and clinked drinks to celebrate his impending success.
Bobby, though, could tell that tension was rising. Desperate to change the subject, he looked at Matt, then smiled. "This Watch is superb," he said, pointing to it.
Matt smiled back. "New trends of the fashion industry," he explained, with a small shrug. "Perfectly crafted luxury timepieces." Then he gave Peter a pointed raised eyebrow. "Enter the exciting world of criminal justice..."
Peter and Bobby looked at each other again. Apparently, the older men just weren't going to let the subject drop. They opened their mouths to decide--and say what, neither was sure--when the doors burst open and Magneto stormed in, cape swirling.
"Do you want to join the brotherhood of police??" He bellowed, obviously drunk, causing two lamps to fly across the room and collide with the walls. "Come see what it means to be a VIP!"
The superhero good guys looked at each other and, as one, ran outside. Scott powered up the Blackbird. "Get in now!"
They all flew away, leaving Professor X to deal with Magneto as he saw fit.
THE END.
Fandom: Marvel(ish)
Rating: PG-13
To be taken seriously: Definitely not.
Note: Every single bit of dialogue was taken directly from the subject lines in my spam folder tonight. I added punctuation, sometimes, but I left the spelling.
Just Say No. Or Yes. Or No.
It was a dark and stormy night. Several of the X-Men and their friends were gathered in the mansion's rec room, watching television and having snacks and talking.
During a commercial, Logan took a swig of beer. "Ladies can sence a confident man, and they like it," he said.
Bobby snickered. "Get ready to make her happy."
But Hank, sitting cross-legged on the floor, nodded sagely. "You should see me now, i am so much more confident with the women." He smiled and waggled his eyebrows above the rims of his spectacles. "Viagra 50mg x 10 pills US $59.95," he added, lowering his voice nearly to a whisper.
Bobby and Peter Parker both looked shocked, but Logan gave Hank a knowing nod. "Women always feel that penis size does matter."
Hank gestured with his soda can, getting more animated by the moment. "80% of women think their partners penis is small!"
"Please update your details!" Peter gasped, looking somewhere between embarrassed and horrified.
Logan took another drink and shrugged. "You need to review this."
"Buy now Viagra (Sildenafil) 100mg x 90 pills, which stimulates more nerve endings, resulting in a more pleasurable experience," Hank suggested kindly. "Find out who has a crush on you. You will truly be amazed at the results." He chuckled and gave Peter and Bobby both friendly jabs in the ribs. "Your partner will give you a new nikname... "big boy"!"
Just then, Scott, who had been involved in a game of high-stakes pool with Matt Murdock and Reed Richards, came over, arms folded in front of his chest. "Avoid enhancement pills," he said sternly, sounding disapproving. "Relax and have fun with poker."
Matt came to stand beside Scott and nodded, obviously also anti-drugs. "Get an degree in criminal justice online," he suggested. "Qualify for a law scholarship! Take your education to the next level. Criminal Justice careers are very rewarding, we can help."
Reed took a sip of his Coke, then nodded enthusiastically. "Need S0ftware?" he asked Peter helpfully. "We have it all!"
Peter looked around at all of them doubtfully, but Bobby beat him to the question on both their minds. "Keeps You Ready?"
Now it was Hank and Logan's turn to share a look and grin. " With M.anster you will only get one thing, Results," Logan growled. He popped two claws out and held them about twelve inches apart to illustrate. "Want 1 inch more or 3 more inches? you decide."
Hank nodded so hard his glasses nearly fell off. "94% of women agree a larger penis is a visual turn-on!"
Now Reed looked intrigued. "Cheap Viagra wanted!" he exclaimed, earning him red-lensed glares from both Scott and Matt.
But Logan looked pleased. So pleased, in fact, that he got up and clapped Reed on the shoulder. "Best pills for sex from Canada. Get ready to make her happy," he muttered.
Reed beamed and clinked drinks to celebrate his impending success.
Bobby, though, could tell that tension was rising. Desperate to change the subject, he looked at Matt, then smiled. "This Watch is superb," he said, pointing to it.
Matt smiled back. "New trends of the fashion industry," he explained, with a small shrug. "Perfectly crafted luxury timepieces." Then he gave Peter a pointed raised eyebrow. "Enter the exciting world of criminal justice..."
Peter and Bobby looked at each other again. Apparently, the older men just weren't going to let the subject drop. They opened their mouths to decide--and say what, neither was sure--when the doors burst open and Magneto stormed in, cape swirling.
"Do you want to join the brotherhood of police??" He bellowed, obviously drunk, causing two lamps to fly across the room and collide with the walls. "Come see what it means to be a VIP!"
The superhero good guys looked at each other and, as one, ran outside. Scott powered up the Blackbird. "Get in now!"
They all flew away, leaving Professor X to deal with Magneto as he saw fit.
THE END.