Dear New Clash of the Titans-YOU FAIL
Somehow, amazingly, this movie manages to disappoint me even without my seeing it. This is a feat that is surely worthy of scientific study.
I mean, not like I was looking all that forward to it in the first place but the trailer was kickass and it looked like a pretty cool action-filled spring popcorn flick and my bb expressed interest in seeing it so I was mildy interested in maybe taking a look if I found the time and the money to do so.
Then our local TV news station's movie critic pops out with a hilarious and scathingly negative review, calling Clash of the Titans boring and one of the worst films ever in that over-dramatic fashion his ilk are like to use and I am all *LULZ* "Okay then. No harm no foul, I wasn't really planning on seeing it anyway. Thanks for the heads up critic, now I know which movie to avoid this weekend."
And then on a lark I pop over to Plugged In today for their review and plot synopsis and I'm not even finished reading the summary before I am filled with a roiling and sudden EPIC NERDRAGE.
"Being the human son of Zeus is no picnic. Want proof? Just ask Perseus."
*inner Greek Mythology geek perks up* Oh hey! Perseus! I love Perseus. He's hilarious and he's one of the few Greek heroes who actually gets a happy ending. *fangirls massively*
"Because the king of the gods mischievously dallied with his unsuspecting mortal mother, Perseus starts life as an outcast. Mother and baby are sealed in a coffin-like funeral barge and set adrift on the sea to die. Fortunately, the infant's half-god side helps him survive long enough to be rescued by a kind passing fisherman who adopts Perseus, loves him and raises him as his own."
Sounds like the Greek myth so fa-wait...
What.
What?
Oh no. No no no no no. You can't cut the mother. There's no reason to kill off the mother. Yeah yeah the whole Abandoned Orphan Baby Gets Adopted By Yokels trope is a staple archetype in these types of stories but... it's Perseus. The awesome way he hearted and was good to his momma was part of his whole appeal and charm. Heck, it was a major plot point in the myth.
"But then, tragedy: Perseus has to watch as his adopted family is murdered by Hades, lord of the underworld,"
Bzwah?!
"...when Zeus and Co. decide that the island people of Argos have failed to show the gods proper respect."
What?!
"To top things off, when the humans that Perseus lives among discover that he (now in his 20s) is actually a demigod himself, they want to take their myriad frustrations with the gods out on him."
WHAT?!
"But Perseus doesn't complain. Instead, when Hades demands the sacrifice of Argos' lovely princess, Andromeda, Perseus volunteers to face the threat head-on. He recruits a hodge-podge force of staunch fighters and an ageless female guardian named Io. Together they battle their way past giant scorpions, gruesome witches and a deformed monster-among other things."
WHAT?!
"The hero's plan? Well, once they breach the gates of the underworld, they simply have to behead the snake-haired Medusa, save the princess from a 200-foot-tall monstrosity called the Kraken and defeat the god of the underworld himself."
...
WHO THE EVER-LOVING FLYING PEGASUS IS THIS IMPOSTER?! NOTHING ABOUT HIM EXCEPT FOR THE BARGE AND MEDUSA AND ANDROMEDA CONNECTS THIS FAKER WITH PERSEUS! YOU MIGHT AS WELL HAVE GIVEN HIM A COMPLETELY ORIGINAL NAME AND NO ONE WOULD HAVE KNOWN THE DIFFERENCE!
IN FACT, WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST DO THAT INSTEAD?! THAT AT LEAST WOULD HAVE BEEN A PARDONABLE OFFENSE. YOU COULD HAVE JUST MADE A TERRIBLE HORRIBLE MOVIE THAT WAY BUT NOOOOOO YOU HAVE TO GO AND TAKE MY BELOVED PERSEUS AND TWIST HIS STORY INTO SOMETHING COMPLETELY UNRECOGNIZABLE AND-
AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHH!
YOU RUINED MY FAVORITE GREEK HERO MOVIE! I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY!
*seethe*
I mean, not like I was looking all that forward to it in the first place but the trailer was kickass and it looked like a pretty cool action-filled spring popcorn flick and my bb expressed interest in seeing it so I was mildy interested in maybe taking a look if I found the time and the money to do so.
Then our local TV news station's movie critic pops out with a hilarious and scathingly negative review, calling Clash of the Titans boring and one of the worst films ever in that over-dramatic fashion his ilk are like to use and I am all *LULZ* "Okay then. No harm no foul, I wasn't really planning on seeing it anyway. Thanks for the heads up critic, now I know which movie to avoid this weekend."
And then on a lark I pop over to Plugged In today for their review and plot synopsis and I'm not even finished reading the summary before I am filled with a roiling and sudden EPIC NERDRAGE.
"Being the human son of Zeus is no picnic. Want proof? Just ask Perseus."
*inner Greek Mythology geek perks up* Oh hey! Perseus! I love Perseus. He's hilarious and he's one of the few Greek heroes who actually gets a happy ending. *fangirls massively*
"Because the king of the gods mischievously dallied with his unsuspecting mortal mother, Perseus starts life as an outcast. Mother and baby are sealed in a coffin-like funeral barge and set adrift on the sea to die. Fortunately, the infant's half-god side helps him survive long enough to be rescued by a kind passing fisherman who adopts Perseus, loves him and raises him as his own."
Sounds like the Greek myth so fa-wait...
What.
What?
Oh no. No no no no no. You can't cut the mother. There's no reason to kill off the mother. Yeah yeah the whole Abandoned Orphan Baby Gets Adopted By Yokels trope is a staple archetype in these types of stories but... it's Perseus. The awesome way he hearted and was good to his momma was part of his whole appeal and charm. Heck, it was a major plot point in the myth.
"But then, tragedy: Perseus has to watch as his adopted family is murdered by Hades, lord of the underworld,"
Bzwah?!
"...when Zeus and Co. decide that the island people of Argos have failed to show the gods proper respect."
What?!
"To top things off, when the humans that Perseus lives among discover that he (now in his 20s) is actually a demigod himself, they want to take their myriad frustrations with the gods out on him."
WHAT?!
"But Perseus doesn't complain. Instead, when Hades demands the sacrifice of Argos' lovely princess, Andromeda, Perseus volunteers to face the threat head-on. He recruits a hodge-podge force of staunch fighters and an ageless female guardian named Io. Together they battle their way past giant scorpions, gruesome witches and a deformed monster-among other things."
WHAT?!
"The hero's plan? Well, once they breach the gates of the underworld, they simply have to behead the snake-haired Medusa, save the princess from a 200-foot-tall monstrosity called the Kraken and defeat the god of the underworld himself."
...
WHO THE EVER-LOVING FLYING PEGASUS IS THIS IMPOSTER?! NOTHING ABOUT HIM EXCEPT FOR THE BARGE AND MEDUSA AND ANDROMEDA CONNECTS THIS FAKER WITH PERSEUS! YOU MIGHT AS WELL HAVE GIVEN HIM A COMPLETELY ORIGINAL NAME AND NO ONE WOULD HAVE KNOWN THE DIFFERENCE!
IN FACT, WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST DO THAT INSTEAD?! THAT AT LEAST WOULD HAVE BEEN A PARDONABLE OFFENSE. YOU COULD HAVE JUST MADE A TERRIBLE HORRIBLE MOVIE THAT WAY BUT NOOOOOO YOU HAVE TO GO AND TAKE MY BELOVED PERSEUS AND TWIST HIS STORY INTO SOMETHING COMPLETELY UNRECOGNIZABLE AND-
AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHH!
YOU RUINED MY FAVORITE GREEK HERO MOVIE! I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY!
*seethe*