Fic. Visions And Mindscapes (1/2)
Authors Notes: This was written for
seeing_history as she made the winning bid of $235 in the April Support Stacie Auction. She has kindly given permission for me to post it here. It was a long time coming, due to some RL issues, but she loves it, and I'm happy that she does. Hope you enjoy it too. LJ says it's too big to post as a single entity, so I've had to split it into two parts.
Visions and Mindscapes
(for Seeing_History, the winning bidder in the April Support Stacie Auction)
6672 words in Microsoft Words.
"Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives." William Dement
It had been almost a week since the Tardis had deadlock sealed her doors immediately upon landing on Velfex, effectively imprisoning her occupants. It had not, however, been done for malicious reasons. She had not wanted her Timelord or her human to be infected by the virus which was slowly decimating the life forms of this desolate planet - a virus which would be fatal to both, had they been exposed to it - and so she had done the only wise thing; she had sealed them in, allowing nothing of the outside atmosphere to enter. They were safe.
Safe, maybe.
Bored, definitely. Very bored. Excruciatingly bored.
The Doctor’s remedy for this was to tinker. With everything. The console, under the console, the kitchen appliances, under the grated floor. Which was where he was currently ensconced, the Tardis for once putting up with his poking around her innards. An occasional muttering could be heard along with the whine of the sonic as he re-coupled connections he had just recently taken apart. That was the only sound, apart from the ever-present hum of the Time Rotor.
Rose’s remedy was to read a little, then nap on the jump seat. She cooked occasionally, more to relieve the boredom than to satiate her hunger pangs, but even that had lost its appeal. Since she was getting very little exercise, her normally healthy appetite had waned and she was content to just graze on the ever-present fruit in the Tardis refrigerator. She had settled on the jump seat, her book in her left hand and a juicy ripe peach in her right, preparing to kill an hour or two with her trashy romance novel, punctuated by the occasional Time Lord watching. She had tried to engage him in conversation; about his life, where he had been, who and what he had seen; trying to gain an insight into this lonely, enigmatic alien who had barged his way into her life one day, and now felt as if he had always inhabited her soul, but to no avail. There had been a few moments where she was sure he was about to allow her in, but then a look of such despair had crossed his features and he had clammed up and told her he was too busy and had to finish what he was doing.
Rose sighed to herself. She had always been able to confide in her mum, to talk things through with her, unburden her soul, unload her troubles and put her world in order. But who did he confide in? Who did he go to in order to unburden his soul? He had no-one. Except her - but he was shutting her out. And that way madness lies, Doctor, she thought to herself. She was worried about him, but since he wouldn’t even attempt to talk to her, she didn’t know how she could help him. She sighed again, this time deeply enough to gain his attention.
“Y’okay, Rose?” His voice echoed slightly round the space underneath the grating, but she could still hear the concern for her in his words. She smiled slightly to herself - that was her Doctor. Pushing away his own concerns to make sure she was okay.
“Yeah. Yeah, course I am. Just thinking, is all.”
“Bit dangerous, that. Could hurt y’self if you’re not careful.” She could see the smirk on his face in her mind. Oh, but he thought he was funny.
“Oi! I know I’m only a stupid ape with the brain size of a gnat compared to your plainly superior Time Lord intellect, but I do occasionally indulge in a bit of thinking, y’know!” Her indignant tone made him chuckle.
“I know how bored you are, Rose. I am too, truth be told. How about I have a word with the Tardis, see if she can think of something that’ll help pass the time for you? I can tinker for hours here, plenty of maintenance to be done, but it must be driving you spare.”
He did feel sorry for her - she had gone off exploring the Tardis earlier and came back into the console room an hour later, saying she thought she had better stop otherwise she’d probably get lost and no-one would be able to find her. She was right in that respect - he had done something similar on a few occasions...mostly those times when his memories threatened to overcome him and he needed to be alone with his grief. At times like that, the Tardis had helpfully prevented his companion finding him by providing him with a room he could hide away in. A room with tall red grass rustling in the breeze, snow-capped mountains in the distance and silver-leaved trees climbing their way towards the light emanating from the dual suns overhead in the deep orange sky. She had made him a piece of home; a piece of Gallifrey to soothe his burning guilt. His hearts tumbled in his chest at the thought.
He wondered if she would consider doing something similar for Rose. Maybe recreate a piece of her home...this is her home, whispered his thoughts; thoughts he quickly banished. No good would come of thinking like that. She was human, he was a Time Lord - everything has it’s time, and everything dies...even Rose. A shudder shook his frame. Not. Thinking. About. That.
A query in his head shook him from his melancholy thoughts, and made him smile. The old girl obviously thought highly of her human inhabitant, since she wanted to know what Rose would like, then decided she knew and asked her Time Lord to direct Rose into the corridor.
His head popped up from under the grating, and Rose giggled. His face was smeared with oil and grease, making him look like a typical bloke engrossed in the innards of some gadget or other. Males must be the same the universe over, she thought, until she saw past the grin on his face, and into the loneliness inside his eyes. Something she had seen far too much of in these past few days. Her giggling stopped as her stomach lurched, his pain becoming hers too. She forced a smile onto her face.
“The Tardis says she has a surprise for you Rose. She says to go into the corridor, and she’ll take you somewhere new; a room you haven’t seen before. Off you go, like a good little human.” He used his greasy hands to shoo her off.
Rose knew when her presence wasn’t wanted. He obviously wanted to tinker in peace, so although she was loathe to leave him, she went along with what he wanted, set down her book and the peach on the jump seat and headed off in the direction of the main corridor.
“Okay, I know when I’m not wanted.” She threw that comment over her shoulder at him as she left, and so was unaware of the hunger in his eyes as he watched her leave, and missed his whispered comment as he once again slipped under the grating.
“You sure about that, Rose?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As her footsteps echoed along the corridor, Rose wondered where she was going to end up. The hum of the Tardis had changed slightly now; more muted, and to her ears, more sorrowful. Instinctively, she brushed her hand against the wall as she moved; unconsciously wanting to bring what comfort she could. She found herself at the end of the corridor, facing the only door she had seen on her perambulations through the twists and turns she had been led through. Other doors on the Tardis were plain, utilitarian. Ordinary doors to ordinary rooms.
This was different.
It looked heavy; made of deep rich polished wood, covered in carvings of the symbols which she knew from the sticky notes around the console monitor were the Doctors native tongue, with large hinges constructed of a metal she had never seen the likes of. It seemed to glow with silver fire, and she could see her hand reach out to touch it, wanting to feel the textures under her fingertips. It was as she did this, she realised that there was no handle - at least, not one she could see. She jumped as her fingertips grazed the surface and the door opened. What she saw then took her breath away.
A sea of deep red grass stretched before her, a gentle breeze making it undulate in waves, drawing her eye to the rugged snow-capped mountains in the far distance. She stepped into this vision, holding her breath as though it might all disappear if she dared to breathe at least once. It felt...it felt sacred, this place; it radiated peace, and tranquillity, and she wanted to see more. No, that wasn’t right - she needed to see, to feel, to experience this. A faint musical rustling reached her ears, and turning towards the sound, she saw a graceful silver-barked tree, with leaves that shimmered and tinkled in the breeze that caressed her skin. It was tall; taller than any tree she had ever seen, and its branches reached out over the grass to form a canopy of shade, under which was laid a blanket in shades of red and gold, with a symbol in the centre which resembled a double figure-of-eight twisted together. As her head tipped back and her eyes followed the tree’s graceful lines higher and higher, she registered that there was two suns above her head, and that the sky was a warm amber colour.
As she stepped carefully through the grass on trembling legs, and sank gratefully onto the blanket, she noticed a book placed on the corner. It looked old; ancient in fact, and when she saw the circles adorning the smooth leather of the cover, she knew it was from his home. Suddenly the circular symbols made sense to her, and she gasped. It was the history of Gallifrey. The story of his home. Now she understood. This was what his planet looked like, and her eyes filled with tears at the precious gift the Tardis was giving her. She was being allowed to see his home - the home he no longer had, the beauty he could no longer return to. She caressed the cover of the book reverently, picked it up, and balancing it carefully on her lap, opened the cover and began to read.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Doctor realised that Rose had been gone for hours (three hours, eleven minutes, fifty eight point nine seven nine seconds, to be exact, according to his internal Time sense) and, letting drop the cable that was causing him so much trouble, pulled himself out from under the console room grating. This was the longest they had been apart in best part of a week, and he missed her, he realised with a start. He wiped his oily hands on a rag that was only marginally cleaner than the cable he had been grappling with, replaced his leather jacket which had been hung on the hand brake, and set off to find out what was keeping his Rose so occupied for this length of time.
As his booted footsteps echoed along the corridor, he ruminated on the contents of his last thought. His Rose. Well, he supposed that part was true enough. But it was also possessive, and he had no right to that possessiveness - even if he did love her beyond all reason (and just where in the hell had THAT come from!) He almost stumbled as he realised the truth of that statement; realised and finally admitted the truth to himself. He was in far too deep. And he didn’t do that. Not with companions. He had loved a few of them in the past, but had never been in love with one before. Rose was different. Rose was special. Rose was...well, she was Rose, wasn’t she? He shook his head sadly. Shouldn’t happen. Can’t happen. Won’t happen...and why would she want him anyway. She was so young, she was beautiful, (not just for a human either - she was the most beautiful female in the whole of the universe) and he was so...plain. Big ears, big nose, not like the pretty-boys he knew she preferred - what would she want with an ancient, damaged-beyond-repair alien?
His steps slowed as he reached the end of the corridor, and saw the door in front of him. He was unable to breathe as the shock of where he was scythed through him. And then he knew. The Tardis had decided for him; had done what he usually did to Rose, and unilaterally decided that it was about time he did something he had wanted to do for months; to tell her of his home, his past, his part in the destruction of the place depicted behind this door. His hand shook as he slowly pushed the door open and saw her sitting cross-legged on the blanket under the tree, her head bent, her hair hiding her face. He hoped she would understand. He hoped she would stay with him afterwards. But he wouldn’t blame her if she wanted to go.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rose closed the book and laid it carefully aside, whilst blinking back the moisture that had gathered in her eyes. No wonder he can’t stay still, she thought, no wonder. My poor Doctor. To lose so much, and be so alone. Well, that stops right now. No more. Now he’s got me. Always. She raised her head as she realised she was no longer alone, and looked up to see her Time Lord approaching, his personal armour of the leather jacket firmly in place and his face schooled into an expression she knew well. Determination.
She raised her hand to him, and he took it before sinking down onto the blanket beside her. He was silent for a while, playing with her fingers, before suddenly gripping her hand tightly. This was it, she thought. No going back now. She opened her mouth and spoke softly, as if to a skittish foal.
“Tell me. Please, Doctor. Talk to me.”
She almost felt his barriers tumble as he took a long breath in, and in a quiet monotone began to tell her of the Time War, the part he had played in the destruction of two species, the loss of his friends and his family. As he spoke, she sat quietly, not saying anything, just holding his hand, anchoring him to the present, not allowing him to become trapped in the past. When he admitted to the nightmares that plagued him, admitted to not sleeping for that very reason, she could not help the tear that traced a path down her cheek and turned her head away from his gaze so he would not see how much she hurt for him.
A calloused thumb stroked the moisture from her cheek, and a gentle finger lifted her chin until she was looking straight into his reddened eyes.
“Oh Rose. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for this to upset you, make you cry.” His voice was hoarse, his tone sorrowful. “I just wanted to tell you...” He could say no more as her fingers touched his lips.
“Ssh. Just...ssh. How could you bear it, Doctor? How could you push that down without coming apart at the seams? And the nightmares...I never knew. Knew you didn’t sleep, but I thought that was a Time Lord thing. Do I mean so little to you that you couldn’t tell me even that?” she whispered. Her fingers moved from his lips and caressed his jaw, the slight stubble there rasping against her fingers.
He loosed her hand and raised both his to gently hold her face.
“How could I tell you that, eh Rose? How could I tell you that I ached for them every day, and screamed for them every night. I couldn’t let you see me like that, so I stopped sleeping. Don’t need much anyway, me.” He knew he was at the point of no return, and his barriers were down now. He needed this little human so so much, loved her enough to tell her, and so the decision was easy, in the end.
“I was scared, Rose. Scared you’d decide to go home. Scared you’d leave me and I’d be alone again. Nearly as terrified as I am now, in fact. Nine hundred years old, and terrified to tell you how I feel about you, how much I feel for you.”
She could feel his hands trembling as they framed her face, and as she raised her own hands and covered his, she smiled gently at him, putting all the love she felt into her eyes in the hope he would recognise it.
“So, don’t tell me. You don’t have to use words. Show me.”
“Rose...I can’t. I can’t show you. Well, I could, but...I dunno if your mind can cope with it. Might hurt you...might cause a neural implosion. Would have to set up a psychic link to your brain.”
“So? Do it.”
“Just like that? You’d let me inside your head? Knowing that it might be painful, agonising, even? That it might cause you to lose consciousness, might put you in a coma? Rose...it’s dangerous.”
“Yeah, I get that. Doesn’t matter. I trust you.” She smiled at him then; a gentle, warm, caring, trusting smile that made him smile back at her instinctively.
The Doctor shook his head, fondly exasperated at his beautiful companion. She really didn’t understand the implications of the psychic link...but he did, which is why he hadn’t told her the whole truth about it.
“You’re really sure you want to do this? Cos if you are, there are some things you need to know first.”
“Doctor, I said I trusted you, and I meant it. I want to see. Not for me, for you. How can I help you if I don’t know what it was like?” She rubbed her thumb across the back of the hand she held, and placed her other gently against his cheek; a gesture of reassurance, of comfort.
He couldn’t help himself; he unconsciously leaned his face into her palm, then turned his head a little and pressed a soft, open-mouthed kiss there, his feelings for this glorious, selfless human woman suddenly overtaking his usual caution. He only realised what he had done when he heard her slight intake of breath, and sensed her heart rate increase. He pulled away slightly, trying to regain his equilibrium.
“Right. Things you need to know. Firstly, you’ll be inside my head. Frankly, that’s not a good place to be. If anything scares you, or if feel you don’t want to go any further with this, just squeeze my hand and tell me, so I can ease you out. You pull away suddenly, and it’ll be like an explosion inside your mind. You don’t want that, believe me. Secondly, when you’re in there, you’ll see me as I really am. No pretences, no hiding behind things. Just me. And you’ll feel what I feel. I’ll try and keep the worst of it from you, put it behind what’ll appear to be a window, but it’ll be emotional. Thirdly...” he tailed off, not quite sure how to proceed, lowering his head to hide the hope that was blossoming in his eyes.
“ Okay. I get scared, or it hurts, I squeeze your hand and tell you I want out. I’ll feel what you feel, or felt, and you won’t have your armour on. That right?”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much it in a nutshell.”
“So? Thirdly?” She dipper her head to bring herself into his line of sight, and looked questioningly into his eyes, her stomach jumping when she saw the emotion he was trying to hide. If she had any doubts about doing this, they were wiped away by the hope shining in his eyes.
The Doctor took a deep breath. This would either seal their relationship or break it apart. He trembled slightly as he raised his head to look into her warm, smiling eyes.
“Thirdly, Rose...thirdly, the link I’ll forge with your mind is a permanent thing. Once it’s there it can’t ever be broken. We’ll be linked permanently. It won’t be as strong afterwards, but it’ll still be there, we’ll be able to sense each other’s emotions, be able to feel where each other is...which might not be a bad thing, what with your propensity to wander off.” He glanced at her face, waiting for inevitable riposte to that remark...only it never came.
What she did say shocked him to the core.
“That mean you’ll feel how much I love you, Doctor?”
His head jerked up, and his eyes bored into hers, his stare so intense it made her shiver unconsciously.
seeing_history as she made the winning bid of $235 in the April Support Stacie Auction. She has kindly given permission for me to post it here. It was a long time coming, due to some RL issues, but she loves it, and I'm happy that she does. Hope you enjoy it too. LJ says it's too big to post as a single entity, so I've had to split it into two parts.
Visions and Mindscapes
(for Seeing_History, the winning bidder in the April Support Stacie Auction)
6672 words in Microsoft Words.
"Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives." William Dement
It had been almost a week since the Tardis had deadlock sealed her doors immediately upon landing on Velfex, effectively imprisoning her occupants. It had not, however, been done for malicious reasons. She had not wanted her Timelord or her human to be infected by the virus which was slowly decimating the life forms of this desolate planet - a virus which would be fatal to both, had they been exposed to it - and so she had done the only wise thing; she had sealed them in, allowing nothing of the outside atmosphere to enter. They were safe.
Safe, maybe.
Bored, definitely. Very bored. Excruciatingly bored.
The Doctor’s remedy for this was to tinker. With everything. The console, under the console, the kitchen appliances, under the grated floor. Which was where he was currently ensconced, the Tardis for once putting up with his poking around her innards. An occasional muttering could be heard along with the whine of the sonic as he re-coupled connections he had just recently taken apart. That was the only sound, apart from the ever-present hum of the Time Rotor.
Rose’s remedy was to read a little, then nap on the jump seat. She cooked occasionally, more to relieve the boredom than to satiate her hunger pangs, but even that had lost its appeal. Since she was getting very little exercise, her normally healthy appetite had waned and she was content to just graze on the ever-present fruit in the Tardis refrigerator. She had settled on the jump seat, her book in her left hand and a juicy ripe peach in her right, preparing to kill an hour or two with her trashy romance novel, punctuated by the occasional Time Lord watching. She had tried to engage him in conversation; about his life, where he had been, who and what he had seen; trying to gain an insight into this lonely, enigmatic alien who had barged his way into her life one day, and now felt as if he had always inhabited her soul, but to no avail. There had been a few moments where she was sure he was about to allow her in, but then a look of such despair had crossed his features and he had clammed up and told her he was too busy and had to finish what he was doing.
Rose sighed to herself. She had always been able to confide in her mum, to talk things through with her, unburden her soul, unload her troubles and put her world in order. But who did he confide in? Who did he go to in order to unburden his soul? He had no-one. Except her - but he was shutting her out. And that way madness lies, Doctor, she thought to herself. She was worried about him, but since he wouldn’t even attempt to talk to her, she didn’t know how she could help him. She sighed again, this time deeply enough to gain his attention.
“Y’okay, Rose?” His voice echoed slightly round the space underneath the grating, but she could still hear the concern for her in his words. She smiled slightly to herself - that was her Doctor. Pushing away his own concerns to make sure she was okay.
“Yeah. Yeah, course I am. Just thinking, is all.”
“Bit dangerous, that. Could hurt y’self if you’re not careful.” She could see the smirk on his face in her mind. Oh, but he thought he was funny.
“Oi! I know I’m only a stupid ape with the brain size of a gnat compared to your plainly superior Time Lord intellect, but I do occasionally indulge in a bit of thinking, y’know!” Her indignant tone made him chuckle.
“I know how bored you are, Rose. I am too, truth be told. How about I have a word with the Tardis, see if she can think of something that’ll help pass the time for you? I can tinker for hours here, plenty of maintenance to be done, but it must be driving you spare.”
He did feel sorry for her - she had gone off exploring the Tardis earlier and came back into the console room an hour later, saying she thought she had better stop otherwise she’d probably get lost and no-one would be able to find her. She was right in that respect - he had done something similar on a few occasions...mostly those times when his memories threatened to overcome him and he needed to be alone with his grief. At times like that, the Tardis had helpfully prevented his companion finding him by providing him with a room he could hide away in. A room with tall red grass rustling in the breeze, snow-capped mountains in the distance and silver-leaved trees climbing their way towards the light emanating from the dual suns overhead in the deep orange sky. She had made him a piece of home; a piece of Gallifrey to soothe his burning guilt. His hearts tumbled in his chest at the thought.
He wondered if she would consider doing something similar for Rose. Maybe recreate a piece of her home...this is her home, whispered his thoughts; thoughts he quickly banished. No good would come of thinking like that. She was human, he was a Time Lord - everything has it’s time, and everything dies...even Rose. A shudder shook his frame. Not. Thinking. About. That.
A query in his head shook him from his melancholy thoughts, and made him smile. The old girl obviously thought highly of her human inhabitant, since she wanted to know what Rose would like, then decided she knew and asked her Time Lord to direct Rose into the corridor.
His head popped up from under the grating, and Rose giggled. His face was smeared with oil and grease, making him look like a typical bloke engrossed in the innards of some gadget or other. Males must be the same the universe over, she thought, until she saw past the grin on his face, and into the loneliness inside his eyes. Something she had seen far too much of in these past few days. Her giggling stopped as her stomach lurched, his pain becoming hers too. She forced a smile onto her face.
“The Tardis says she has a surprise for you Rose. She says to go into the corridor, and she’ll take you somewhere new; a room you haven’t seen before. Off you go, like a good little human.” He used his greasy hands to shoo her off.
Rose knew when her presence wasn’t wanted. He obviously wanted to tinker in peace, so although she was loathe to leave him, she went along with what he wanted, set down her book and the peach on the jump seat and headed off in the direction of the main corridor.
“Okay, I know when I’m not wanted.” She threw that comment over her shoulder at him as she left, and so was unaware of the hunger in his eyes as he watched her leave, and missed his whispered comment as he once again slipped under the grating.
“You sure about that, Rose?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As her footsteps echoed along the corridor, Rose wondered where she was going to end up. The hum of the Tardis had changed slightly now; more muted, and to her ears, more sorrowful. Instinctively, she brushed her hand against the wall as she moved; unconsciously wanting to bring what comfort she could. She found herself at the end of the corridor, facing the only door she had seen on her perambulations through the twists and turns she had been led through. Other doors on the Tardis were plain, utilitarian. Ordinary doors to ordinary rooms.
This was different.
It looked heavy; made of deep rich polished wood, covered in carvings of the symbols which she knew from the sticky notes around the console monitor were the Doctors native tongue, with large hinges constructed of a metal she had never seen the likes of. It seemed to glow with silver fire, and she could see her hand reach out to touch it, wanting to feel the textures under her fingertips. It was as she did this, she realised that there was no handle - at least, not one she could see. She jumped as her fingertips grazed the surface and the door opened. What she saw then took her breath away.
A sea of deep red grass stretched before her, a gentle breeze making it undulate in waves, drawing her eye to the rugged snow-capped mountains in the far distance. She stepped into this vision, holding her breath as though it might all disappear if she dared to breathe at least once. It felt...it felt sacred, this place; it radiated peace, and tranquillity, and she wanted to see more. No, that wasn’t right - she needed to see, to feel, to experience this. A faint musical rustling reached her ears, and turning towards the sound, she saw a graceful silver-barked tree, with leaves that shimmered and tinkled in the breeze that caressed her skin. It was tall; taller than any tree she had ever seen, and its branches reached out over the grass to form a canopy of shade, under which was laid a blanket in shades of red and gold, with a symbol in the centre which resembled a double figure-of-eight twisted together. As her head tipped back and her eyes followed the tree’s graceful lines higher and higher, she registered that there was two suns above her head, and that the sky was a warm amber colour.
As she stepped carefully through the grass on trembling legs, and sank gratefully onto the blanket, she noticed a book placed on the corner. It looked old; ancient in fact, and when she saw the circles adorning the smooth leather of the cover, she knew it was from his home. Suddenly the circular symbols made sense to her, and she gasped. It was the history of Gallifrey. The story of his home. Now she understood. This was what his planet looked like, and her eyes filled with tears at the precious gift the Tardis was giving her. She was being allowed to see his home - the home he no longer had, the beauty he could no longer return to. She caressed the cover of the book reverently, picked it up, and balancing it carefully on her lap, opened the cover and began to read.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Doctor realised that Rose had been gone for hours (three hours, eleven minutes, fifty eight point nine seven nine seconds, to be exact, according to his internal Time sense) and, letting drop the cable that was causing him so much trouble, pulled himself out from under the console room grating. This was the longest they had been apart in best part of a week, and he missed her, he realised with a start. He wiped his oily hands on a rag that was only marginally cleaner than the cable he had been grappling with, replaced his leather jacket which had been hung on the hand brake, and set off to find out what was keeping his Rose so occupied for this length of time.
As his booted footsteps echoed along the corridor, he ruminated on the contents of his last thought. His Rose. Well, he supposed that part was true enough. But it was also possessive, and he had no right to that possessiveness - even if he did love her beyond all reason (and just where in the hell had THAT come from!) He almost stumbled as he realised the truth of that statement; realised and finally admitted the truth to himself. He was in far too deep. And he didn’t do that. Not with companions. He had loved a few of them in the past, but had never been in love with one before. Rose was different. Rose was special. Rose was...well, she was Rose, wasn’t she? He shook his head sadly. Shouldn’t happen. Can’t happen. Won’t happen...and why would she want him anyway. She was so young, she was beautiful, (not just for a human either - she was the most beautiful female in the whole of the universe) and he was so...plain. Big ears, big nose, not like the pretty-boys he knew she preferred - what would she want with an ancient, damaged-beyond-repair alien?
His steps slowed as he reached the end of the corridor, and saw the door in front of him. He was unable to breathe as the shock of where he was scythed through him. And then he knew. The Tardis had decided for him; had done what he usually did to Rose, and unilaterally decided that it was about time he did something he had wanted to do for months; to tell her of his home, his past, his part in the destruction of the place depicted behind this door. His hand shook as he slowly pushed the door open and saw her sitting cross-legged on the blanket under the tree, her head bent, her hair hiding her face. He hoped she would understand. He hoped she would stay with him afterwards. But he wouldn’t blame her if she wanted to go.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rose closed the book and laid it carefully aside, whilst blinking back the moisture that had gathered in her eyes. No wonder he can’t stay still, she thought, no wonder. My poor Doctor. To lose so much, and be so alone. Well, that stops right now. No more. Now he’s got me. Always. She raised her head as she realised she was no longer alone, and looked up to see her Time Lord approaching, his personal armour of the leather jacket firmly in place and his face schooled into an expression she knew well. Determination.
She raised her hand to him, and he took it before sinking down onto the blanket beside her. He was silent for a while, playing with her fingers, before suddenly gripping her hand tightly. This was it, she thought. No going back now. She opened her mouth and spoke softly, as if to a skittish foal.
“Tell me. Please, Doctor. Talk to me.”
She almost felt his barriers tumble as he took a long breath in, and in a quiet monotone began to tell her of the Time War, the part he had played in the destruction of two species, the loss of his friends and his family. As he spoke, she sat quietly, not saying anything, just holding his hand, anchoring him to the present, not allowing him to become trapped in the past. When he admitted to the nightmares that plagued him, admitted to not sleeping for that very reason, she could not help the tear that traced a path down her cheek and turned her head away from his gaze so he would not see how much she hurt for him.
A calloused thumb stroked the moisture from her cheek, and a gentle finger lifted her chin until she was looking straight into his reddened eyes.
“Oh Rose. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for this to upset you, make you cry.” His voice was hoarse, his tone sorrowful. “I just wanted to tell you...” He could say no more as her fingers touched his lips.
“Ssh. Just...ssh. How could you bear it, Doctor? How could you push that down without coming apart at the seams? And the nightmares...I never knew. Knew you didn’t sleep, but I thought that was a Time Lord thing. Do I mean so little to you that you couldn’t tell me even that?” she whispered. Her fingers moved from his lips and caressed his jaw, the slight stubble there rasping against her fingers.
He loosed her hand and raised both his to gently hold her face.
“How could I tell you that, eh Rose? How could I tell you that I ached for them every day, and screamed for them every night. I couldn’t let you see me like that, so I stopped sleeping. Don’t need much anyway, me.” He knew he was at the point of no return, and his barriers were down now. He needed this little human so so much, loved her enough to tell her, and so the decision was easy, in the end.
“I was scared, Rose. Scared you’d decide to go home. Scared you’d leave me and I’d be alone again. Nearly as terrified as I am now, in fact. Nine hundred years old, and terrified to tell you how I feel about you, how much I feel for you.”
She could feel his hands trembling as they framed her face, and as she raised her own hands and covered his, she smiled gently at him, putting all the love she felt into her eyes in the hope he would recognise it.
“So, don’t tell me. You don’t have to use words. Show me.”
“Rose...I can’t. I can’t show you. Well, I could, but...I dunno if your mind can cope with it. Might hurt you...might cause a neural implosion. Would have to set up a psychic link to your brain.”
“So? Do it.”
“Just like that? You’d let me inside your head? Knowing that it might be painful, agonising, even? That it might cause you to lose consciousness, might put you in a coma? Rose...it’s dangerous.”
“Yeah, I get that. Doesn’t matter. I trust you.” She smiled at him then; a gentle, warm, caring, trusting smile that made him smile back at her instinctively.
The Doctor shook his head, fondly exasperated at his beautiful companion. She really didn’t understand the implications of the psychic link...but he did, which is why he hadn’t told her the whole truth about it.
“You’re really sure you want to do this? Cos if you are, there are some things you need to know first.”
“Doctor, I said I trusted you, and I meant it. I want to see. Not for me, for you. How can I help you if I don’t know what it was like?” She rubbed her thumb across the back of the hand she held, and placed her other gently against his cheek; a gesture of reassurance, of comfort.
He couldn’t help himself; he unconsciously leaned his face into her palm, then turned his head a little and pressed a soft, open-mouthed kiss there, his feelings for this glorious, selfless human woman suddenly overtaking his usual caution. He only realised what he had done when he heard her slight intake of breath, and sensed her heart rate increase. He pulled away slightly, trying to regain his equilibrium.
“Right. Things you need to know. Firstly, you’ll be inside my head. Frankly, that’s not a good place to be. If anything scares you, or if feel you don’t want to go any further with this, just squeeze my hand and tell me, so I can ease you out. You pull away suddenly, and it’ll be like an explosion inside your mind. You don’t want that, believe me. Secondly, when you’re in there, you’ll see me as I really am. No pretences, no hiding behind things. Just me. And you’ll feel what I feel. I’ll try and keep the worst of it from you, put it behind what’ll appear to be a window, but it’ll be emotional. Thirdly...” he tailed off, not quite sure how to proceed, lowering his head to hide the hope that was blossoming in his eyes.
“ Okay. I get scared, or it hurts, I squeeze your hand and tell you I want out. I’ll feel what you feel, or felt, and you won’t have your armour on. That right?”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much it in a nutshell.”
“So? Thirdly?” She dipper her head to bring herself into his line of sight, and looked questioningly into his eyes, her stomach jumping when she saw the emotion he was trying to hide. If she had any doubts about doing this, they were wiped away by the hope shining in his eyes.
The Doctor took a deep breath. This would either seal their relationship or break it apart. He trembled slightly as he raised his head to look into her warm, smiling eyes.
“Thirdly, Rose...thirdly, the link I’ll forge with your mind is a permanent thing. Once it’s there it can’t ever be broken. We’ll be linked permanently. It won’t be as strong afterwards, but it’ll still be there, we’ll be able to sense each other’s emotions, be able to feel where each other is...which might not be a bad thing, what with your propensity to wander off.” He glanced at her face, waiting for inevitable riposte to that remark...only it never came.
What she did say shocked him to the core.
“That mean you’ll feel how much I love you, Doctor?”
His head jerked up, and his eyes bored into hers, his stare so intense it made her shiver unconsciously.