A year ago today we broke up...
I'm frustrated, confused, and sad.
I requested 2 days off this week. Thursday night for the dashboard concert. Saturday for my birthday. I was scheduled for both. I'm fucking pissed. Its going to be next to impossible to find a sub. Seriously.
Brett, Lyonel, and the stupidest thing in the world-#2. Brett and I hung out thursday, I really have no idea if that is ever going anywhere. I'd stick it out if I knew it would, but i'm starting to not want to put forth effort if its just going to stay like us dating/friends with benefits. Lyonel, its already becoming problematic, and we've been dating for like 2-3 weeks. I just am so confused about him on countless levels that I won't get into. And then there's #2. My ex. I swore to myself I wouldn't do this again. But he's back in my life in a big way. Lately he's been calling to hang out at least once a week. He has never done that in the course of our friendship or relationships. And when we get together we mess around, lets face it there will always be chemistry. And sometimes I think thats all we have, we aren't capable of more. Maybe thats okay. But I still can't get him out of my head. I'd be lying if i said I didn't want him there either. I hate myself for it. It could never work between us. So I should just move on. And it's not like I'm not putting effort forth with these other two guys...Why is he wasting my time? In a way I feel like he is, I feel like anyone who is trying to get with me is if they don't want more. I want the stability of a real relationship. I want that connection again. I've been single for like 8 months now. Its been fun, its been real. But I want...
This brings me to the sad subject. Tonight I found this really sweet poem dave wrote me from valentines 2004. I want to be loved, wanted, and cared for the way he did. I just get this feeling that I'm nothing to anybody but a warm body and a friendly smile.
I requested 2 days off this week. Thursday night for the dashboard concert. Saturday for my birthday. I was scheduled for both. I'm fucking pissed. Its going to be next to impossible to find a sub. Seriously.
Brett, Lyonel, and the stupidest thing in the world-#2. Brett and I hung out thursday, I really have no idea if that is ever going anywhere. I'd stick it out if I knew it would, but i'm starting to not want to put forth effort if its just going to stay like us dating/friends with benefits. Lyonel, its already becoming problematic, and we've been dating for like 2-3 weeks. I just am so confused about him on countless levels that I won't get into. And then there's #2. My ex. I swore to myself I wouldn't do this again. But he's back in my life in a big way. Lately he's been calling to hang out at least once a week. He has never done that in the course of our friendship or relationships. And when we get together we mess around, lets face it there will always be chemistry. And sometimes I think thats all we have, we aren't capable of more. Maybe thats okay. But I still can't get him out of my head. I'd be lying if i said I didn't want him there either. I hate myself for it. It could never work between us. So I should just move on. And it's not like I'm not putting effort forth with these other two guys...Why is he wasting my time? In a way I feel like he is, I feel like anyone who is trying to get with me is if they don't want more. I want the stability of a real relationship. I want that connection again. I've been single for like 8 months now. Its been fun, its been real. But I want...
This brings me to the sad subject. Tonight I found this really sweet poem dave wrote me from valentines 2004. I want to be loved, wanted, and cared for the way he did. I just get this feeling that I'm nothing to anybody but a warm body and a friendly smile.