Crying
I used to hate crying. I think it’s because when I was little I was taught crying was a bad thing. Crying meant punishment. So I just kept silent. Whenever I felt like crying I would hide my face, be ashamed, be embarrassed. I hated it so much. It was only early last January when I found out how it feels to cry. Not that stupid childish whimpering cry. This was the all out let everything go crying.
I think I had become addicted to it. After the first time I could hardly stop. I cried at school, at home, before bed, in cathedrals...everywhere. I found that wallowing in sorrow...felt...good. It was addictive, I loved it, I never wanted to stop. Then I began to feel guilty for doing it, I thought I was unconsciously just trying to get attention. I also felt that my reasons for crying were unjust...like it was a privilege to cry, so it stopped.
Then somebody told me to cry the other day, to let it all out. Even though there wasn’t anything completely huge to cry about...one thing, at that moment stood high above the rest. One thing that I should have cried about, something I would have cried about before. This thing could have destroyed my future in an instant. I had a panic attack, but no tears would follow it. I had nothing to mend the sorrow. So now I find myself in the same place I was in before. Unable to cry. I guess there is no happy medium for me.
Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I honestly don’t know...
Love
Tara
I think I had become addicted to it. After the first time I could hardly stop. I cried at school, at home, before bed, in cathedrals...everywhere. I found that wallowing in sorrow...felt...good. It was addictive, I loved it, I never wanted to stop. Then I began to feel guilty for doing it, I thought I was unconsciously just trying to get attention. I also felt that my reasons for crying were unjust...like it was a privilege to cry, so it stopped.
Then somebody told me to cry the other day, to let it all out. Even though there wasn’t anything completely huge to cry about...one thing, at that moment stood high above the rest. One thing that I should have cried about, something I would have cried about before. This thing could have destroyed my future in an instant. I had a panic attack, but no tears would follow it. I had nothing to mend the sorrow. So now I find myself in the same place I was in before. Unable to cry. I guess there is no happy medium for me.
Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I honestly don’t know...
Love
Tara