april 4
Really I just want to cry. I look at the list of things to do before the end of the semester and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.
My show went alright, too much of me is out there right now and it makes me uncomfortable. I am super weary of what people say to me and how they interact with me, which is causing me to be a bit of a bitch and push people away. Really I am at a point where I want no one near me. I dont want to get close to people. I had given up dating for lent and on Friday night, well shit happened and I dont feel good about it. It in fact makes me want to cry, but I am being strong.
I thought I would be ok with my show and having people go through it, but at the height when there were so many people there, I wanted to run up to the table take my books and run to my house. Then in the safety of my room make sure my books were ok, and cry. But I didnt I stood back and watched people read them then look at me then look at my books it was a very odd feeling. People said they liked my work, I kind of doubt it I dont find it impressive or anything like that; it is just want I do to deal with daily life.
I had to work tonight and normally I dont mind. But today since I just want to cry and I had to close by myself, it sucked. But that boy came in, and the wife, and then later a douche boy the wife used to date. It was nice to have company but also a little strange. I want to hit people who order a sandwich at 10:30 and tell them its too late but instead I make them a sandwich in hopes that they tip. So here I sit caffeine in my bloodstream, bleach on my hands, and my head pounding and I am angry.
It is no secret I live for honesty so I hate feeling as though I am punished for being honest. Whatever, too much of myself has been revealed and now I want some of my secrets back.
My show went alright, too much of me is out there right now and it makes me uncomfortable. I am super weary of what people say to me and how they interact with me, which is causing me to be a bit of a bitch and push people away. Really I am at a point where I want no one near me. I dont want to get close to people. I had given up dating for lent and on Friday night, well shit happened and I dont feel good about it. It in fact makes me want to cry, but I am being strong.
I thought I would be ok with my show and having people go through it, but at the height when there were so many people there, I wanted to run up to the table take my books and run to my house. Then in the safety of my room make sure my books were ok, and cry. But I didnt I stood back and watched people read them then look at me then look at my books it was a very odd feeling. People said they liked my work, I kind of doubt it I dont find it impressive or anything like that; it is just want I do to deal with daily life.
I had to work tonight and normally I dont mind. But today since I just want to cry and I had to close by myself, it sucked. But that boy came in, and the wife, and then later a douche boy the wife used to date. It was nice to have company but also a little strange. I want to hit people who order a sandwich at 10:30 and tell them its too late but instead I make them a sandwich in hopes that they tip. So here I sit caffeine in my bloodstream, bleach on my hands, and my head pounding and I am angry.
It is no secret I live for honesty so I hate feeling as though I am punished for being honest. Whatever, too much of myself has been revealed and now I want some of my secrets back.