(no subject)
Originally written sometime in July 2009: Funny thing, things haven't changed much fundamentally, location and challenges have changed, but depression remains pretty much the same. II still run to a budget when I get overwhelmed. Will post about life in a new journal soon.
The Dreamer In Me. That's the name I gave to my default image. The one that's displayed right now. So where has the dreamer gone? Gone under the pressures of life as it stands right now. I wrote a few days ago about all that, so I don't need to go into that now. I want to try to connect to the dreamer in me again. So, I've started this journal, am listening to a new (old) CD, "Celtic Woman 2" that is really awesome! So, the dreamer, where is she? She hides out under my depression that cloaks my life right now. How to break free??? By focusing on only me, is what I'm told, but how can I do that with so many people and issues yanking at my strings or struggling to smother me? And then there is my oh, so well hidden jealousies. Jealous that both Michele and Greer seem to have the money to buy what they truly want, when they want it and me who has to account for every dime of my money to both of them. I know money is tight, but why is it only tight for me? Nap taken. It's now 11:52, I tried to start this around 7:30. Its tight for me because they both depend on me to pay their way in life. I give Greer an allowance and I buy all of Michele's necessities, food, pet food, smokes and gas. Enough of that! I'm supposed to talk about me. I know how Diane feels now and that she's right, she said I'd come to a point in my life where i would begin to resent their financial pulls on me. I guess that time is now. I just took out six lines of going over the bickering between the two of them about me. I have to focus on my needs. Right now its very hard to say what i want. I'd like to go to school without the pressure. Maybe that's the first place to start. Does the U of P have a part-time program that I can get into? One designed for working adults, maybe? If they do, maybe I can get my degree there and my search for a moving solution is over! If I think only of myself, that would be an awesome way to go! I'd be close to Greer and my family, in communication, but not living with Michele. I'd just give her a flat amount and let her worry about the bills. I could buy my BMW roadster and sell my truck. What a happy solution for all! Right, when hell freezes over! Stop being a pessimist Niki! But i feel soooo pessimistic right now! My privelege, I think. When all else fails run to my budget. Working on my budget either lifts me up with possibilities, or dumps me into the depths of depression. Afterall, numbers never lie.
The Dreamer In Me. That's the name I gave to my default image. The one that's displayed right now. So where has the dreamer gone? Gone under the pressures of life as it stands right now. I wrote a few days ago about all that, so I don't need to go into that now. I want to try to connect to the dreamer in me again. So, I've started this journal, am listening to a new (old) CD, "Celtic Woman 2" that is really awesome! So, the dreamer, where is she? She hides out under my depression that cloaks my life right now. How to break free??? By focusing on only me, is what I'm told, but how can I do that with so many people and issues yanking at my strings or struggling to smother me? And then there is my oh, so well hidden jealousies. Jealous that both Michele and Greer seem to have the money to buy what they truly want, when they want it and me who has to account for every dime of my money to both of them. I know money is tight, but why is it only tight for me? Nap taken. It's now 11:52, I tried to start this around 7:30. Its tight for me because they both depend on me to pay their way in life. I give Greer an allowance and I buy all of Michele's necessities, food, pet food, smokes and gas. Enough of that! I'm supposed to talk about me. I know how Diane feels now and that she's right, she said I'd come to a point in my life where i would begin to resent their financial pulls on me. I guess that time is now. I just took out six lines of going over the bickering between the two of them about me. I have to focus on my needs. Right now its very hard to say what i want. I'd like to go to school without the pressure. Maybe that's the first place to start. Does the U of P have a part-time program that I can get into? One designed for working adults, maybe? If they do, maybe I can get my degree there and my search for a moving solution is over! If I think only of myself, that would be an awesome way to go! I'd be close to Greer and my family, in communication, but not living with Michele. I'd just give her a flat amount and let her worry about the bills. I could buy my BMW roadster and sell my truck. What a happy solution for all! Right, when hell freezes over! Stop being a pessimist Niki! But i feel soooo pessimistic right now! My privelege, I think. When all else fails run to my budget. Working on my budget either lifts me up with possibilities, or dumps me into the depths of depression. Afterall, numbers never lie.