I know I really should move on, I know, I know.
Man, I really don’t want to go through the infatuation phase of a relationship again. I remember how much I used to love feeling that tingly feeling in my chest and right arm (always the right arm, what is with that?) that made me want to grip it and hold it and swim around in it. How my brain would get fuzzy, and just looking at the person would engulf my sight with a swirling broth of starry smarminess.
Now I HATE that fuzzy feeling. I don’t like NOT being able to see someone for who they are because my stupid body chemicals are getting in the way. I want to jump straight to the love phase.
Unconditional love means different things to different people, but for me, unconditional love means knowing exactly how a person is, all their tirades, their kind of lame and disgusting quirks, their cute aspects, their rather pathetic aspects, and through it all remain immensely fond of them. So fond of them, that just looking at them going about their business and in contemplating all their aspects, I want to go over and hold them, and love them and maybe exchange some gesture of affection. I’d like for that person to feel the same way about me as well. It’s kind of pathetic how much like an animal I am. It’s like when the pet you just bought finally starts relaxing around you and comes to you to be petted, or sits in your lap when you’re lonely in spite of itself. You’re just so happy that you can make your pet feel relaxed and happy, and it’s even eager to see you b/c it likes you so damn much! I want to skip to that phase of a relationship already. Problem is, it’s hard to get to know someone without that stupid infatuation phase fudging everything up. With infatuation I worry about the other person learning how I really am, and getting fed up, or worse yet, bored with me… actually, I can’t even bore myself, so maybe worse, the other person is intimidated by me, and keeps thinking they need something different. Also, it’s hard to get to know someone really fast… especially if they’re going through the infatuation phase and they’re trying to hide all the nasty stuff that they’re worried you’re not going to like.
I just want unconditional fondness NOW, dammit!
Meanwhile, it’s kind of nice to look in the mirror and see a smear of mucusy dried milk on my shoulder. I think every parent wants their kid to cuddle with them every once in a while. Too much and you think your child’s a bit dependent, and weak, but it always seems to be one end of the spectrum or the other. It’s a very rare thing that my child puts her head on my shoulder. She has to be in an extremely affectionate mood (which happens maybe once a month for approximately 30 seconds), or extremely sick (which means usually there’s something more than dried milk on my shirt).
For some reason, it’s like some sort of trophy stain-like blood on a rugby player’s jersey, and I feel great satisfaction in putting this shirt in the dirty laundry. Still, it would be embarrassing to have other people see my marks of achievement (hey, achieving your kids’ affection is huge-this is about the only time you can get it before they hit puberty!), it’s kind of a silly thing to be proud about, but I will be proud about it in private anyway, thank you very much.
Now I HATE that fuzzy feeling. I don’t like NOT being able to see someone for who they are because my stupid body chemicals are getting in the way. I want to jump straight to the love phase.
Unconditional love means different things to different people, but for me, unconditional love means knowing exactly how a person is, all their tirades, their kind of lame and disgusting quirks, their cute aspects, their rather pathetic aspects, and through it all remain immensely fond of them. So fond of them, that just looking at them going about their business and in contemplating all their aspects, I want to go over and hold them, and love them and maybe exchange some gesture of affection. I’d like for that person to feel the same way about me as well. It’s kind of pathetic how much like an animal I am. It’s like when the pet you just bought finally starts relaxing around you and comes to you to be petted, or sits in your lap when you’re lonely in spite of itself. You’re just so happy that you can make your pet feel relaxed and happy, and it’s even eager to see you b/c it likes you so damn much! I want to skip to that phase of a relationship already. Problem is, it’s hard to get to know someone without that stupid infatuation phase fudging everything up. With infatuation I worry about the other person learning how I really am, and getting fed up, or worse yet, bored with me… actually, I can’t even bore myself, so maybe worse, the other person is intimidated by me, and keeps thinking they need something different. Also, it’s hard to get to know someone really fast… especially if they’re going through the infatuation phase and they’re trying to hide all the nasty stuff that they’re worried you’re not going to like.
I just want unconditional fondness NOW, dammit!
Meanwhile, it’s kind of nice to look in the mirror and see a smear of mucusy dried milk on my shoulder. I think every parent wants their kid to cuddle with them every once in a while. Too much and you think your child’s a bit dependent, and weak, but it always seems to be one end of the spectrum or the other. It’s a very rare thing that my child puts her head on my shoulder. She has to be in an extremely affectionate mood (which happens maybe once a month for approximately 30 seconds), or extremely sick (which means usually there’s something more than dried milk on my shirt).
For some reason, it’s like some sort of trophy stain-like blood on a rugby player’s jersey, and I feel great satisfaction in putting this shirt in the dirty laundry. Still, it would be embarrassing to have other people see my marks of achievement (hey, achieving your kids’ affection is huge-this is about the only time you can get it before they hit puberty!), it’s kind of a silly thing to be proud about, but I will be proud about it in private anyway, thank you very much.