Aug 15, 2004 23:50
OK, so I've been on what seems like a year hiatus (I don’t know how to spell that). I've been being me: having it out with friends and then nothing at all. I met some nice guys, but they turned out to be just pretending. Oh well what can you do? Nothing! No really though, I've figured out what I'm going to do. I am going to work my ass off! Not literally of course, but I do plan on getting back in shape. Also my design portfolio is coming together really well. I keep trying to call my friend Kellie, so I can give her some prints but she doesn't have voicemail (which is a wise investment). Anyways some of the pictures are she as an angel, as well as the Virgin Mary (something that I was inspired to do during my summer long art history courses).
I've got a few people that I'm selling my art to, so I can afford to go on living for just that much longer. Yay! So anyways... I've also been writing some crazy shit in my spare time. Unfortunately its nothing that I can post as of yet.
Dad's been out of town allot lately, leaving me more time to spend with my mom. It’s kind of weird, him being gone all the time. But I tell you what; it sure does make me realize where my problems are. Speaking of which I think I have got a problem with men. I know it sounds weird, me a gay guy having social anxiety problems being around men, but it could be true.
I can be around women all day long and not care at all, however I just don’t feel comfortable being around any guys straight or gay, unless of course I’m forced, like going to school. I used to work for a Charlotte Russe and it was great, seeing as there were very few men that came into the store. However now that I'm not there anymore, I realize that I become...I can’t think of the right word. Yet blocked, self-conscious and tired of playing come to mind. I feel tired of playing because if its a straight guy I have to watch myself, what I say and what I do, so that I don’t give off the wrong impression... whatever that’s supposed to be. "Oh no! I wouldn’t want him to think I was gay!” "oh no! I don’t want him to think I’m coming on to him! He'll get upset!” Then again I don’t like being around gay guys either because I have to play either that I’m not interested or have to act more gay to let them know, or I have to try and look cuter, however that’s possible. But I notice it more when my dad comes home from his business trips. I feel uncomfortable and queasy all time. Maybe I’m just exaggerating; maybe I just have too much time on my hands and need to get another hobby...Or maybe a job.