LXVIII: I get knocked down but I get back up again
Story of my year and I have such a smirk on when saying that...every stage of the way there has been something popping up out of nowhere to hit me down, too many to even remember, but I'm still hear and two days before exams and I manage to have a smile on my face. Even this week has been event filled...guess I may as well tell the story as it could actuall affect some of you..assuming there is someone out there who reads this.
Anyway come I think monday night...Jill was online and we were talking, all was swell at first, I mean she was talking to me as if I were her best friend and how we were gonna have to catch up next year lots and have wild parties. Anyway it lasted quite a while until eventually Jono came online and when he left I was still talking to Jill but it seemed Jono had mentioned Brad and it had gotten to her pretty bad. Anyway I was talking to her normally, she asked me about Waratar and who was going and then all of a sudden she just cracked it. She started having a go at me because I hadn't kicked Brad out of my life, saying it was my fault because I didn't go up to him and say 'Don't come to Waratar' or 'Don't come to Steph's party'...unreasonable but I could handle it and I wanted to help, I tried to explain that Deb and Steph were organizing those, it wasn't up to me to say Brad can't go.
It only got worse and worse she started yelling at me for being a fencesitter and not choosing her over Brad...the same about Jono, Trent and Geoff...she said we were all the same and that she was going to 'decide' for us and not be part of our lives anymore. I tried to get through to her but nothing worked...it went on for an hour, her getting at me with the same stuff and me using any excuse I could to no avail. Eventually it got to the stage where she had had enough, so she said her last words and I'm guessing blocked me, that or logged off.
It can be assumed I was in a terrible state. Not only had I lost Jill as my friend, but I'd lost her for everyone else as well...thinking back i feel so stupid for being so affected...but it just brought back so many memories of Kyee...so similiar, one thing going stupid and then poof all gone not just for me but for my friends too...the fact that what happened when Kyee blocked me that all my friends lost her because of me, and now the same thing had happened with Jill...cept it was worse because while Jill was no Kyee to me she was a lot closer to everyone else...so it's a big loss.
I pretty much crumpled...lucky that Mielz was online, I spilled everything to her. Probably not the best thing to do to a girl you want to be something with one day but I needed someone and she was there...so we talked for a while...she told me what I should of done and then she had to go to bed...so I was left for a while just to sit.
Tuesday was awkward, I was out of my head most of the day, and it was the first time my drawing book had come out since school...it really was relaxing to just draw...needless to say there was bugger all study for the day. Then came the night...I had asked Mielz to come on before she had gone to bed the night before to help...but unfortunately I had forgotten I had badminton...so I wrote her an email saying that I was sorry for asking her to come on when I wouldn't be on. Trusting my luck she came online the minute after I sent it...so I told her she had the worst timing ever and we had a short talk before I went to badminton...by this stage I was feeling better.
After I got home I found that Brad of all people was online...apparently WoW servers are down tuesday night...anyway I started talking to him...he got dc'd a few times...I was tempted to take that as an omen...but I just thought 'No more omens'...they had been what caused me to do nothing in the first place which lead to Jill doing her thing. So I eventually got it through and because his internet was so screwy he decided to just call me...I got his story...he says he was drunk, remembers little. He had no reason to really lie to me there so I trusted him...we talked for a few hours overall, eventually everything made sense.
I agree that there was prolly a decent level of Brad in the wrong...but just with the year Jill has had it's become worse and worse inside her head...so I'm glad she's getting help. But I'm pretty sure Brad's not going to have another event like this happen and that was all I was really worried about...and since Jill forcibly made me choose not her I guess I may as well keep Brad as a mate now that I trust him again.
Now I know this may cause any Jill fans reading this to hate me...well theres nothing I can say to that...the truth is that Jill doesn't want me as a part of her life and I have to live with that...I hope the best for her for her future but thats all I can do...and as much as she wanted me to feel guilty...I don't...I stood by two friends rather than picking sides and if something like this happened to me I wouldn't want groups split up...I'd want everyone to be there for everyone...the way I see it, the best way to heal is to not have the event a constant by having it causing splits everywhere. And thats really all I can say for that
As for me I've got my own stuff to fix, in order to repay Mielz for her help I'm drawing something for her even though she's the better artist of the two of us...on top of that I have exams, and these are the things I can handle...so after the hell that was earlier this week I'm back in control and sorry if any of you think I shouldn't be happy about that.
Anyway come I think monday night...Jill was online and we were talking, all was swell at first, I mean she was talking to me as if I were her best friend and how we were gonna have to catch up next year lots and have wild parties. Anyway it lasted quite a while until eventually Jono came online and when he left I was still talking to Jill but it seemed Jono had mentioned Brad and it had gotten to her pretty bad. Anyway I was talking to her normally, she asked me about Waratar and who was going and then all of a sudden she just cracked it. She started having a go at me because I hadn't kicked Brad out of my life, saying it was my fault because I didn't go up to him and say 'Don't come to Waratar' or 'Don't come to Steph's party'...unreasonable but I could handle it and I wanted to help, I tried to explain that Deb and Steph were organizing those, it wasn't up to me to say Brad can't go.
It only got worse and worse she started yelling at me for being a fencesitter and not choosing her over Brad...the same about Jono, Trent and Geoff...she said we were all the same and that she was going to 'decide' for us and not be part of our lives anymore. I tried to get through to her but nothing worked...it went on for an hour, her getting at me with the same stuff and me using any excuse I could to no avail. Eventually it got to the stage where she had had enough, so she said her last words and I'm guessing blocked me, that or logged off.
It can be assumed I was in a terrible state. Not only had I lost Jill as my friend, but I'd lost her for everyone else as well...thinking back i feel so stupid for being so affected...but it just brought back so many memories of Kyee...so similiar, one thing going stupid and then poof all gone not just for me but for my friends too...the fact that what happened when Kyee blocked me that all my friends lost her because of me, and now the same thing had happened with Jill...cept it was worse because while Jill was no Kyee to me she was a lot closer to everyone else...so it's a big loss.
I pretty much crumpled...lucky that Mielz was online, I spilled everything to her. Probably not the best thing to do to a girl you want to be something with one day but I needed someone and she was there...so we talked for a while...she told me what I should of done and then she had to go to bed...so I was left for a while just to sit.
Tuesday was awkward, I was out of my head most of the day, and it was the first time my drawing book had come out since school...it really was relaxing to just draw...needless to say there was bugger all study for the day. Then came the night...I had asked Mielz to come on before she had gone to bed the night before to help...but unfortunately I had forgotten I had badminton...so I wrote her an email saying that I was sorry for asking her to come on when I wouldn't be on. Trusting my luck she came online the minute after I sent it...so I told her she had the worst timing ever and we had a short talk before I went to badminton...by this stage I was feeling better.
After I got home I found that Brad of all people was online...apparently WoW servers are down tuesday night...anyway I started talking to him...he got dc'd a few times...I was tempted to take that as an omen...but I just thought 'No more omens'...they had been what caused me to do nothing in the first place which lead to Jill doing her thing. So I eventually got it through and because his internet was so screwy he decided to just call me...I got his story...he says he was drunk, remembers little. He had no reason to really lie to me there so I trusted him...we talked for a few hours overall, eventually everything made sense.
I agree that there was prolly a decent level of Brad in the wrong...but just with the year Jill has had it's become worse and worse inside her head...so I'm glad she's getting help. But I'm pretty sure Brad's not going to have another event like this happen and that was all I was really worried about...and since Jill forcibly made me choose not her I guess I may as well keep Brad as a mate now that I trust him again.
Now I know this may cause any Jill fans reading this to hate me...well theres nothing I can say to that...the truth is that Jill doesn't want me as a part of her life and I have to live with that...I hope the best for her for her future but thats all I can do...and as much as she wanted me to feel guilty...I don't...I stood by two friends rather than picking sides and if something like this happened to me I wouldn't want groups split up...I'd want everyone to be there for everyone...the way I see it, the best way to heal is to not have the event a constant by having it causing splits everywhere. And thats really all I can say for that
As for me I've got my own stuff to fix, in order to repay Mielz for her help I'm drawing something for her even though she's the better artist of the two of us...on top of that I have exams, and these are the things I can handle...so after the hell that was earlier this week I'm back in control and sorry if any of you think I shouldn't be happy about that.