LXVII: Not A Part
Valedictory and Graduation happened a few days ago...and I must admit I'm feeling a bit weird about it all. I mean this is it and I haven't panged at all.
Valedictory was fun...and I guess it was special in a way...but it didn't feel significant...all it was was people all having fun together interrupted by videos...I guess it's easy to feel not part of it when you're not in any videos and not in any photos or mentioned in any other way...
Then there was the night, everyone was going out...everyone, or so it seemed and what about me, I had to go straight home because my mum wanted to because I wasn't allowed to go out to the afterparty...I mean thats the night...the last chance to actually be at an afterparty...but no, of course I can't go...So we all went home and we all went on about how crap all of the non-band parts were...and just because I didn't want to sleep I stayed up and drew for a little bit...then when I finally finished that drawing I decided it was time to call it quits on that and actually get the sleep in...
Next came morning...what a logical progression...6:30 wake up...I am such a light sleeper that my mum was able to wake me from across the room with speech similiar to whispers...she was grumpy though, complaining about every little thing she could...so I was happy to finally get there...the food there managed to make me feel a little queezy on sight, I can't imagine what it would of done to some others. Pretty much only small talk...I felt more tired than everyone else looked...though odds were that they were hiding it.
The teachers then got presented with stuff...quite a useless excersize overall...just all the teaches getting stuff and then giving stuff back to their favourites of the class or just the jocks who chose to do nothing all year...so once again I didn't get a mention when everyone around me seemed to be getting 2 or more. The teachers ended up taking too long so the whole thing ran low on time so we were rushed through the rest and then up to await graduation...I was feeling chipper at this point, everything was set for goodness...
Unfortunately it was not so swell...the one thing about yr 12 that had gone my way...Take Me Out, the song I suggested, that had been picked by the whole year...wasn't played...they instead played the stupid powderfinger song twice...nothing against them...but WHY CAN'T THINGS JUST GO RIGHT. Everything was truly just broken about that graduation...even the things that couldn't be planned...the way it worked out where I sat down, if I were to look up to see where Mum and Kate were I saw the rostrum, so their view of me was interrupted and that was just gay...everything went boringly after that...the only highpoint being Scotty, Jono, Warren, Andrew, Jill, Jo and yes Trent on tamborine...that was a good performance, everything else sucked. Even Ms Wilson's speech wasn't great...she was meant to be talking to us but not once did she turn around to any of us...not even as she left...she just stood up back to us and talked, then left...at this point I was going well thats all good and well but take me out better be the new finishing song...it wasn't. And that was it.
Outside was just a few more group hugs and then we went into the theatrette and didn't talk to anyone so that was sort of a waste...so Kate and I went outside and talked about Dad...aparently since splitting up with his new wife he's lost his conscience and just doesn't seem to care anymore...still no feeling...I gathered up the last of my stuff from my locker and within seconds it was taken and odds are I was never to be remembered by anyone in the homegroup again.
Kate decieded she wanted to go shopping after that so we did, after a change of clothes of course cos that yr 12 shirt is the crappiest thing ever...it was good...I was the only one to get stuff...a preorder for guitar hero 2 and I finally found Mario Kart which now goes down for xmas...I found a game I have been searching for since the middle of the year and I still don't feel anything...and thats pretty much it for then.
Today was nothing really...I feel tired as and as if I'm going to fall asleep at any moment...it may be the big bad yr 12 fever thingo...though I have to hope not...but just everything, this nothing mood has just removed me from my normal self...I mean Trent came on today because I asked him whether he and Jono were gonna be at the other Trent's party. He said yes as well as Tarryn but only for a little while and Jono would be there for even less. I said I wouldn't bother going then because Jono's gonna go early and that the rest of time Trent and Tarryn would just be all couply...I should of left it at that...but he started acting like he was some expert of all love and everything about it and it always pisses me off when he does it because he acts so high and mighty because he was lucky enough to have a girl fall into his lap through a friend. I decided to try and lay it out a little, I told him that it was because it makes me think of Kyee...I don't know why I bothered...I mean maybe just this nothing mood is causing me to feel like I can just speak the truth and not face the consequences...and then he asked where the couplyness was exactly and was trying to defend himself by saying Jono's worse...I decided to be level again and told him that Jono didn't affect me because basically I haven't been allowed out at times to see this...and then I said that Trent's couplyness was that he and Tarryn if at the same event never went outside arms length from each other which I honestly have seen to be true...soon after my mum called me for tea meaning I HAD to leave for a bit, I said brb because I had pure intent of going back there and explaining this more until some conclusion on something. Never happened, I get back and Trent's left some speel about how I can't be affected by him and Tarryn's couplyness despite the fact I dug in and actually explained to him why which wasn't something I would do on a normal day...and then he went on to say that Tarryn's hurt whenever I talk like this and thinks that I hate her...it seemed like pure spite as if his full intent was to make me feel guilt. It didn't work, I still didn't feel anything. I had said nothing against Tarryn the hole time and everything was said to trent and not for her to read in the first place. So I figured I may as well send an sms to finish it, I forget what I said but it was pretty much just a tell Tarryn to get over it.
And thats it...I feel so messed up and I have no idea why
Is it the graduation...the fact that I am not anything to my year level and the realization that I had only probably spoken to half of those that graduated this year for the whole year.
Is it the tiredness that is bringing me unable to play a song of guitar hero without me wanting to collapse to my knees at the end of it
Or is it the looming exams that the tiredness has caused me to be unable to study which could be screwing me over for good
Or even that I've almost finished KH2 and have none of it left for the before exams stuff
Sorry for the extreme but if you read it honestly thankyou...
Valedictory was fun...and I guess it was special in a way...but it didn't feel significant...all it was was people all having fun together interrupted by videos...I guess it's easy to feel not part of it when you're not in any videos and not in any photos or mentioned in any other way...
Then there was the night, everyone was going out...everyone, or so it seemed and what about me, I had to go straight home because my mum wanted to because I wasn't allowed to go out to the afterparty...I mean thats the night...the last chance to actually be at an afterparty...but no, of course I can't go...So we all went home and we all went on about how crap all of the non-band parts were...and just because I didn't want to sleep I stayed up and drew for a little bit...then when I finally finished that drawing I decided it was time to call it quits on that and actually get the sleep in...
Next came morning...what a logical progression...6:30 wake up...I am such a light sleeper that my mum was able to wake me from across the room with speech similiar to whispers...she was grumpy though, complaining about every little thing she could...so I was happy to finally get there...the food there managed to make me feel a little queezy on sight, I can't imagine what it would of done to some others. Pretty much only small talk...I felt more tired than everyone else looked...though odds were that they were hiding it.
The teachers then got presented with stuff...quite a useless excersize overall...just all the teaches getting stuff and then giving stuff back to their favourites of the class or just the jocks who chose to do nothing all year...so once again I didn't get a mention when everyone around me seemed to be getting 2 or more. The teachers ended up taking too long so the whole thing ran low on time so we were rushed through the rest and then up to await graduation...I was feeling chipper at this point, everything was set for goodness...
Unfortunately it was not so swell...the one thing about yr 12 that had gone my way...Take Me Out, the song I suggested, that had been picked by the whole year...wasn't played...they instead played the stupid powderfinger song twice...nothing against them...but WHY CAN'T THINGS JUST GO RIGHT. Everything was truly just broken about that graduation...even the things that couldn't be planned...the way it worked out where I sat down, if I were to look up to see where Mum and Kate were I saw the rostrum, so their view of me was interrupted and that was just gay...everything went boringly after that...the only highpoint being Scotty, Jono, Warren, Andrew, Jill, Jo and yes Trent on tamborine...that was a good performance, everything else sucked. Even Ms Wilson's speech wasn't great...she was meant to be talking to us but not once did she turn around to any of us...not even as she left...she just stood up back to us and talked, then left...at this point I was going well thats all good and well but take me out better be the new finishing song...it wasn't. And that was it.
Outside was just a few more group hugs and then we went into the theatrette and didn't talk to anyone so that was sort of a waste...so Kate and I went outside and talked about Dad...aparently since splitting up with his new wife he's lost his conscience and just doesn't seem to care anymore...still no feeling...I gathered up the last of my stuff from my locker and within seconds it was taken and odds are I was never to be remembered by anyone in the homegroup again.
Kate decieded she wanted to go shopping after that so we did, after a change of clothes of course cos that yr 12 shirt is the crappiest thing ever...it was good...I was the only one to get stuff...a preorder for guitar hero 2 and I finally found Mario Kart which now goes down for xmas...I found a game I have been searching for since the middle of the year and I still don't feel anything...and thats pretty much it for then.
Today was nothing really...I feel tired as and as if I'm going to fall asleep at any moment...it may be the big bad yr 12 fever thingo...though I have to hope not...but just everything, this nothing mood has just removed me from my normal self...I mean Trent came on today because I asked him whether he and Jono were gonna be at the other Trent's party. He said yes as well as Tarryn but only for a little while and Jono would be there for even less. I said I wouldn't bother going then because Jono's gonna go early and that the rest of time Trent and Tarryn would just be all couply...I should of left it at that...but he started acting like he was some expert of all love and everything about it and it always pisses me off when he does it because he acts so high and mighty because he was lucky enough to have a girl fall into his lap through a friend. I decided to try and lay it out a little, I told him that it was because it makes me think of Kyee...I don't know why I bothered...I mean maybe just this nothing mood is causing me to feel like I can just speak the truth and not face the consequences...and then he asked where the couplyness was exactly and was trying to defend himself by saying Jono's worse...I decided to be level again and told him that Jono didn't affect me because basically I haven't been allowed out at times to see this...and then I said that Trent's couplyness was that he and Tarryn if at the same event never went outside arms length from each other which I honestly have seen to be true...soon after my mum called me for tea meaning I HAD to leave for a bit, I said brb because I had pure intent of going back there and explaining this more until some conclusion on something. Never happened, I get back and Trent's left some speel about how I can't be affected by him and Tarryn's couplyness despite the fact I dug in and actually explained to him why which wasn't something I would do on a normal day...and then he went on to say that Tarryn's hurt whenever I talk like this and thinks that I hate her...it seemed like pure spite as if his full intent was to make me feel guilt. It didn't work, I still didn't feel anything. I had said nothing against Tarryn the hole time and everything was said to trent and not for her to read in the first place. So I figured I may as well send an sms to finish it, I forget what I said but it was pretty much just a tell Tarryn to get over it.
And thats it...I feel so messed up and I have no idea why
Is it the graduation...the fact that I am not anything to my year level and the realization that I had only probably spoken to half of those that graduated this year for the whole year.
Is it the tiredness that is bringing me unable to play a song of guitar hero without me wanting to collapse to my knees at the end of it
Or is it the looming exams that the tiredness has caused me to be unable to study which could be screwing me over for good
Or even that I've almost finished KH2 and have none of it left for the before exams stuff
Sorry for the extreme but if you read it honestly thankyou...