papa don't preach
Halu Balu. I'm pretty crazy these days because I almost thought of breaking up with Papa this week - it was really stupid - I was afraid of travelling again with him seriously if all I could imagine was ending up in jail with him, not a way to raise our family. And so many times I thought of breaking up with him for no apparent reason at all - well, mainly, because if I'm depressed, I don't want to be with anybody - and my mind starts wandering and this is what gets me in trouble - I think too much. Not that it's news to anybody.
Anyway, good thing THAT didn't happen or I'll regret it for the rest of my life. Good thing Papa talked me out of it and now I'm happier than ever. I know it's silly because I always thought that to love someone, that I have to feel an overwhelming emotion like the crashing of the waves like they tell you in romantic movies, that I need to feel that emotional high every freakin second, if I don't for a minute, it means that I'm not really in love with the guy. WRONG! I don't have to feel that rush everytime to be in love with him, now I'm crazy about the person, and it's mostly boredom that makes me think of breaking up with people because I have nothing better to do. Maybe my brain thinks that if I break up with people then I will feel more pain, and that means I'm actually living. Oh the drama that goes on my stupid head! Bad, bad!
So I promised Papa that I will listen to my heart, and let it win because my head is the devil. It will come up with a thousand of excuses NOT to be happy because it's not happy when it doesn't have a problem, always wondering why there is nothing wrong. Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill. I just hope that Papa will have more patience than the pig. I know it's not the pig's fault for giving up on me. He never gave up on me, I just quit on us. I have this tendency of driving people away, not letting them to get close enough to me to get me. I tell you I would break up with me if I were me. If a guy is smart enough, he would run away.
I am thinking morbid thoughts again that I will break up with Papa if I find out if I'm sick with cancer or aids because I don't want anyone to go through hell with me. I'm so melodramatic it's a wonder I'm not Edgar Allan Poe or some hot shit writer by now because surely my imagination could rival anyone else's, or rather most mental patients'. It's just I don't have the talent to write it, nor am I ambitious enough because I'm one lazy ass bitch.
Anywho, I'm trying hard to trust people, and I'm trying hard not to be paranoid because everybody has faults, and I can't be annoyed at every little petty thing that people do because it will just drive me crazy. I feel like I need to take on everybody's imperfections and try to fix them but I know I can't. I should try to fix mine first because I don't understand how people can stand me, or maybe they can't, they just let me think they can. I wonder what's wrong with Papa because he loves me instead of being grateful that he does, really now, why do I have to complain about everything good or bad? Maybe that's just the result of boredom and an idle or rather overactive mind.
I was imagining myself as a madwoman today, how to act madly like flailing my flabby arms in people's faces. Was I really that bored? Even when I was little, I used to imagine myself as a mental patient, hugging my legs in corners and rocking back and forth, if not that, that I was dying of some disease or fancying myself in a coma. I'm really a weirdo. I hope Papa knows that, and he does, but he still thinks that I have hope. Hahahhaha.
Anyway, I'm trying to battle these stupid imaginings and promised to think positive and happy thoughts, because if not, I will drive Papa away like I did the pig and no matter how many guys I will be with in the future, everything is going to be the same. I have a strange feeling that Papa will be around for longer and I hope that he will wait for me. I'm really happy that I found love the second time around and I hope it gets better.
Anyway, good thing THAT didn't happen or I'll regret it for the rest of my life. Good thing Papa talked me out of it and now I'm happier than ever. I know it's silly because I always thought that to love someone, that I have to feel an overwhelming emotion like the crashing of the waves like they tell you in romantic movies, that I need to feel that emotional high every freakin second, if I don't for a minute, it means that I'm not really in love with the guy. WRONG! I don't have to feel that rush everytime to be in love with him, now I'm crazy about the person, and it's mostly boredom that makes me think of breaking up with people because I have nothing better to do. Maybe my brain thinks that if I break up with people then I will feel more pain, and that means I'm actually living. Oh the drama that goes on my stupid head! Bad, bad!
So I promised Papa that I will listen to my heart, and let it win because my head is the devil. It will come up with a thousand of excuses NOT to be happy because it's not happy when it doesn't have a problem, always wondering why there is nothing wrong. Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill. I just hope that Papa will have more patience than the pig. I know it's not the pig's fault for giving up on me. He never gave up on me, I just quit on us. I have this tendency of driving people away, not letting them to get close enough to me to get me. I tell you I would break up with me if I were me. If a guy is smart enough, he would run away.
I am thinking morbid thoughts again that I will break up with Papa if I find out if I'm sick with cancer or aids because I don't want anyone to go through hell with me. I'm so melodramatic it's a wonder I'm not Edgar Allan Poe or some hot shit writer by now because surely my imagination could rival anyone else's, or rather most mental patients'. It's just I don't have the talent to write it, nor am I ambitious enough because I'm one lazy ass bitch.
Anywho, I'm trying hard to trust people, and I'm trying hard not to be paranoid because everybody has faults, and I can't be annoyed at every little petty thing that people do because it will just drive me crazy. I feel like I need to take on everybody's imperfections and try to fix them but I know I can't. I should try to fix mine first because I don't understand how people can stand me, or maybe they can't, they just let me think they can. I wonder what's wrong with Papa because he loves me instead of being grateful that he does, really now, why do I have to complain about everything good or bad? Maybe that's just the result of boredom and an idle or rather overactive mind.
I was imagining myself as a madwoman today, how to act madly like flailing my flabby arms in people's faces. Was I really that bored? Even when I was little, I used to imagine myself as a mental patient, hugging my legs in corners and rocking back and forth, if not that, that I was dying of some disease or fancying myself in a coma. I'm really a weirdo. I hope Papa knows that, and he does, but he still thinks that I have hope. Hahahhaha.
Anyway, I'm trying to battle these stupid imaginings and promised to think positive and happy thoughts, because if not, I will drive Papa away like I did the pig and no matter how many guys I will be with in the future, everything is going to be the same. I have a strange feeling that Papa will be around for longer and I hope that he will wait for me. I'm really happy that I found love the second time around and I hope it gets better.