(no subject)
there isn't a time in my life i haven't wished i could rewind. stop. rewind to a minute a ago. a day ago, a week ago, a month, a year, five..... remember when? everything was PERFECT then. my life was just how i wanted it to be, and then, and then i screwed it up. again and again and again.
i have to remind myself that isn't the truth though. when i was there i was just as unhappy as here. wasn't i?
so i moved to brooklyn. i took this big plunge and now with hardly giving it a chance i want to run back to philly. but for what? i felt just as lonely and left out and unfriended there as i do in brooklyn and i did in dallas and i do anywhere. and at least brooklyn has the chance of possibilities in front of me.
but i still, as always when i leave somewhere significant to my life i think i made a horrible mistake. that i didn't give it a chance. that if i could just get that much closer to the friend i always admired and appreciated and only now do they seem to "miss" me and i them.
truth is i've felt like shit wherever i was for a long long time. even picture perfect relationships and exciting jobs and beautiful places to live can't fix me.
so maybe a drug can?
i get the excuse of a physical injury to take "mood stabilizing" drugs today, is it wrong to think maybe they could "fix" that latent discontent i just can't seem to conquer. don't get me wrong, things have been bad since my accident, the worst they've ever been, but have i ever been much more than ever seeking a happiness that eludes me. is this depression? is it some sort of leftover programming from a crappy childhood, or most frightening of all is this just me? am i forever doomed, no matter what, to find the cracks in the surface, the imperfections in every tiny fucking thing when i could just be having fun instead.
and my friends, holy shit i love you, but i feel like i need an emotional security blank smothering me at all times these days or i'm drowning in criticism. i feel unwanted, uninvited and unnecessary. and i don't even know if it's real! i read all this emotion into what is probably passing comments to every single other person on the planet.
is this breakdown? where am i supposed to go from here?
i have to remind myself that isn't the truth though. when i was there i was just as unhappy as here. wasn't i?
so i moved to brooklyn. i took this big plunge and now with hardly giving it a chance i want to run back to philly. but for what? i felt just as lonely and left out and unfriended there as i do in brooklyn and i did in dallas and i do anywhere. and at least brooklyn has the chance of possibilities in front of me.
but i still, as always when i leave somewhere significant to my life i think i made a horrible mistake. that i didn't give it a chance. that if i could just get that much closer to the friend i always admired and appreciated and only now do they seem to "miss" me and i them.
truth is i've felt like shit wherever i was for a long long time. even picture perfect relationships and exciting jobs and beautiful places to live can't fix me.
so maybe a drug can?
i get the excuse of a physical injury to take "mood stabilizing" drugs today, is it wrong to think maybe they could "fix" that latent discontent i just can't seem to conquer. don't get me wrong, things have been bad since my accident, the worst they've ever been, but have i ever been much more than ever seeking a happiness that eludes me. is this depression? is it some sort of leftover programming from a crappy childhood, or most frightening of all is this just me? am i forever doomed, no matter what, to find the cracks in the surface, the imperfections in every tiny fucking thing when i could just be having fun instead.
and my friends, holy shit i love you, but i feel like i need an emotional security blank smothering me at all times these days or i'm drowning in criticism. i feel unwanted, uninvited and unnecessary. and i don't even know if it's real! i read all this emotion into what is probably passing comments to every single other person on the planet.
is this breakdown? where am i supposed to go from here?