i had another breakdown today.
i'm afraid of going away to college. i say this like it's something unique, something abnormal. as if every single soon-to-be college freshman isn't nervous. i'd be lying if i said i weren't excited and exhilirated, sure. but that doesn't change the breathtaking fear i experience every time i think about how much my life is going to change at the end of august. i only hope it will be good for me.
this is an odd summer, so far. it's about halfway over already, and i don't feel like i'm doing everything i should be. i've lost another best friend, i've graduated from high school, i've attended a fabulous party thrown half in my honor, i've gotten an awful sunburn, i've worked forty hours every week, i've saved money, i've wasted money, i've gotten a spontaneous piercing, and i've spent some time with a few of my favorite people. but i'm sort of.. lost. i have so many people i want to talk to, so many things i want to say to them.
1. i've considered getting in contact with you again. there was really no reason for you and i to fall out the way you did; it was her that i had issues with, and i'm disappointed, for some reason, that i feel like i can't even look at you without recieving looks or disdain and disgust back. we could've had a great time together this summer, and it's unfortunate that we'll never speak again.
2. for awhile, i felt like i had some sort of unspoken claim over you; you were off limits to anyone that knew me. i probably still have feelings for you, who knows? maybe it's a good thing we don't talk very often anymore. i've finally picked myself up, and i don't particularly like the idea of falling all over the floor at your feet again.
3. i wouldn't have gotten through the past three months without you. you've been so amazing and i can't explain how thankful i am to have you in my life. i don't think you realize how lost i would be without the help and guidance you continue to give me every single day. i look forward to watching our friendship evolve as years pass.
4. i am still so angry with you. i dwell on it constantly, and i hate myself for it. i hate that you seem so much happier since you walked away from me. i hate that you walked away without an explanation. your leaving has been the worst yet. losing our friendship has affected me more than any other and i can't understand it. i miss you, but i would never tell you that; you've turned into such a smug, self-centered person. i don't even know why i care about it anymore. i wish i could wrap my head around why i'm no longer good enough to be your friend.
5. i love you. you read this stupid journal recently, and i hope you keep checking it and see this. you are the most incredible, strong, beatiful person in the entire world, and i would do anything for you. i am so glad that you and i are truly friends now, considering how much we fought growing up. i don't know what i'm going to do in august without you being just a few blocks away. that's a big reason i'm so scared of leaving; it's only been recently that we've grown so close, and i rely on you for so much more than i think you realize. you truly are my voice of reason, and i hope you realize that you mean the world to me.
this is an odd summer, so far. it's about halfway over already, and i don't feel like i'm doing everything i should be. i've lost another best friend, i've graduated from high school, i've attended a fabulous party thrown half in my honor, i've gotten an awful sunburn, i've worked forty hours every week, i've saved money, i've wasted money, i've gotten a spontaneous piercing, and i've spent some time with a few of my favorite people. but i'm sort of.. lost. i have so many people i want to talk to, so many things i want to say to them.
1. i've considered getting in contact with you again. there was really no reason for you and i to fall out the way you did; it was her that i had issues with, and i'm disappointed, for some reason, that i feel like i can't even look at you without recieving looks or disdain and disgust back. we could've had a great time together this summer, and it's unfortunate that we'll never speak again.
2. for awhile, i felt like i had some sort of unspoken claim over you; you were off limits to anyone that knew me. i probably still have feelings for you, who knows? maybe it's a good thing we don't talk very often anymore. i've finally picked myself up, and i don't particularly like the idea of falling all over the floor at your feet again.
3. i wouldn't have gotten through the past three months without you. you've been so amazing and i can't explain how thankful i am to have you in my life. i don't think you realize how lost i would be without the help and guidance you continue to give me every single day. i look forward to watching our friendship evolve as years pass.
4. i am still so angry with you. i dwell on it constantly, and i hate myself for it. i hate that you seem so much happier since you walked away from me. i hate that you walked away without an explanation. your leaving has been the worst yet. losing our friendship has affected me more than any other and i can't understand it. i miss you, but i would never tell you that; you've turned into such a smug, self-centered person. i don't even know why i care about it anymore. i wish i could wrap my head around why i'm no longer good enough to be your friend.
5. i love you. you read this stupid journal recently, and i hope you keep checking it and see this. you are the most incredible, strong, beatiful person in the entire world, and i would do anything for you. i am so glad that you and i are truly friends now, considering how much we fought growing up. i don't know what i'm going to do in august without you being just a few blocks away. that's a big reason i'm so scared of leaving; it's only been recently that we've grown so close, and i rely on you for so much more than i think you realize. you truly are my voice of reason, and i hope you realize that you mean the world to me.