a list for the future.
i'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that, while a lot of people know what they're going to or want to do when they leave high school, not everybody does. therefore, i have composed a list of what i'd like to do with my life ultimately, career-wise. at least i have a list, right?
1. photographer: this is what i plan to go to school for since i haven't really been in ballet long enough. however, i haven't really had any prior schooling in photography either, aside from a section in developing black and whites in graphic communications ( and i barely remember any of that now ). i have a shitty digital camera and do what i can with it. if this plan panned out, i'd like to take photos for a music magazine.
2. musician: while i'm terrible at the guitar and can't really play any other instrument, i can sing a little .. and really enjoy doing so. plus, i think if i want it bad enough, it could very well happen. i'm not really interested in becoming famous. i think i'd be just as happy working a 9-5 job and a singing covers on the weekends for the rest of my life as i would be touring with a band and making albums.
3. ballerina/choreographer: this is the aspiration i haven't yet shared with many people. there is another, stupider and more personal reason that would just make me seem like a nitwit, but the other is because i'm waiting to see how these ballet lessons pan out. if i'm really good enough to keep at it for years to come. the reason i even considered this career is because starting lessons again for the first time in nine years made me realize just how much i liked doing it. i love what ballet does to the body, how it graceful it makes it look and how theatrical ballet is without even using dialogue. i've never been one for speaking in front of crowds of strangers, but, they way i see it, i move in front of them everyday, so the leap to the ballet stage doesn't seem that great. plus, that may eventually lead to my being able to actually speak to an audience of strangers as well as dance for them. i'd eventually like to actually choreograph ballets and choose the music for them. the whole idea that, with enough ambition and command, i could make any vision of mine concrete and share it with other people is what draws me.
4. author/poet/whatever: if i churned out ideas for poems and short stories more consistently, this would be a more practical aspiration. however, i'm hoping in time i'll get better.
i've realized that i'm more or less petrified of graduating high school and not succeeding on the path to any of what i mentioned above. i wouldn't even say that i'm afraid of not succeeding --i'm afraid of not being happy iwth what i do. part of the fear is of failure .. that i'll just have a job and live with my parents or in south carolina for the rest of my life. because i honestly can't picture myself in the adult world and that is what scares the shit out of me. that i won't be or am not smart enough or brave enough to do the things that i want to do with my life.
college, you are a daunting hurdle for somebody with a C average GPA.
p.s. for halloween i went as oscar wilde. i dressed in a fake mustache, button-up blouse, brown slacks with a belt and wore fairy wings. who gets it?
p.p.s. i just ate a mini snickers bar and it tasted like gravy. have i been poisoned?
p.p.p.s. albert from my government class may be teaching me the salsa instead of the waltz, since he only knows the steps for guys with the waltz ( rats! ). then there's the possibility of swing-dancing at the handlebar one tuesday. i'm also pretty sure he's got a girlfriend ( i initially thought it was his sister ), so i hope she doesn't get mad or anything.
'cause, i mean, i ain't no man-thief or nothin'.
--and i promise that sounds alot funnier and less stupid if i'd've said it in person.