(no subject)
I can't ever promise that "this will be the last of matt from new jersey." It's starting to get repetitive [my behavior that is] but you know what, this is what you can expect from a doormat.
I was really direct with him a week ago; I sent him this big huge message explaining everything. he replied, [not denying that it was just a sexual thing oddly] saying that it wasn't that he didn't want to talk to me but that he was preoccupied with all of these things [he listed them.] He said sorry if you feel like I'm not talking to you.
that wasn't good enough for me. that is the lamest excuse I think I have ever heard. I am making a big deal of this because I'm so angry that this could happen, that I was really used at the time and he gets off scott free.
last night I decided to ask him for those nude pictures he always wanted to send me. what the hell, I mean he's gotta give me my dues for all the naughty pics I sent him if the summation of this situation is that it doesn't mean anything and we don't really mean anything to each other. but he says he doesn't keep anything like that on his computer anymore, making me feel like garbage. he said don't feel that way, but I Am garbage.
I addressed it again hoping he wouldn't run away this time. he finally didn't and stayed to discuss it with me.
I asked what I did to inspire the change and he said I didn't do anything and he didn't know why I was freaking out.
I said that I was freaking out because I noticed a difference, an explicit difference in the way that he treats me now versus the way he used to treat me.
To which he replied, "why can't you take the IM for what it is? I mean I'm slow in replying sometimes. and I reply a little late. but I always reply." [which is funny, because earlier in that conversation, when I was trying to talk to him like a normal person, and he didn't reply at all until after 30 min later I asked again, "so what are you doing"]
you know what that sounds like? it sounds like I'm on a to-do list. Im'ed him back, check. I brought up the fact that if he's so busy, then why is he online available in a chatroom to which he replied, "this is not a chatroom." *I roll my eyes at that* and I state that it is a similar environment.I finally begin concluding that I am going crazy, I am going nuts over this and I really need to stop. He said, "no, don't" "I'm just busy." but guys, I don't buy it. if you're busy I don't see why you're on AIM. plain and simple. you're not in a photoshop class... shit.
I then replied, "come on. look at the way I have been acting for this long while. all the things that I've been doing." - "do you really consider me a healthy person?"
he says, "I guess"..."I don't know."
My aggravating brother wanted his computer back, so because matt was so slow in replying to what I was saying I couldn't finish the conversation.
I'm going to comfort myself here. Why can't I take the IM for what it is? because I want more, because I want what you started with me. no, when you care about getting to know someone after all this time you don't just take the IM for what it is. You take the IM to the next level. you know what, I have a job, I go to school, I tutor in different cities on different days of the week, I attend church and shop for groceries, and I make some time to hang out with friends...yeah matt, I'm busy too, but unlike you, I sign into AIM to TALK to people, and for no other reason. There almost isn't another reason to sign into your instant messengers.
I am not crazy. I am sane. I know there is something wrong and he can't tell me there isn't.
so...I'm not going to make promises like an idiot and say "OHHH this is it for matt nevo!" but I'll do my best. you guys HAVE to understand me here, that I've been able to drop driftwood guys easily in the past. But matt's not driftwood, and I invested serious emotions over this past year. So I will let time take over again. I will live.
by the way, someone asked if they could give me a blowjob for $400 this morning after photoshop class by the business education building.
oh, and last night, I took nudes of myself and traded them with some stranger. that's while I was talking to matt
at least finals are almost over.
I was really direct with him a week ago; I sent him this big huge message explaining everything. he replied, [not denying that it was just a sexual thing oddly] saying that it wasn't that he didn't want to talk to me but that he was preoccupied with all of these things [he listed them.] He said sorry if you feel like I'm not talking to you.
that wasn't good enough for me. that is the lamest excuse I think I have ever heard. I am making a big deal of this because I'm so angry that this could happen, that I was really used at the time and he gets off scott free.
last night I decided to ask him for those nude pictures he always wanted to send me. what the hell, I mean he's gotta give me my dues for all the naughty pics I sent him if the summation of this situation is that it doesn't mean anything and we don't really mean anything to each other. but he says he doesn't keep anything like that on his computer anymore, making me feel like garbage. he said don't feel that way, but I Am garbage.
I addressed it again hoping he wouldn't run away this time. he finally didn't and stayed to discuss it with me.
I asked what I did to inspire the change and he said I didn't do anything and he didn't know why I was freaking out.
I said that I was freaking out because I noticed a difference, an explicit difference in the way that he treats me now versus the way he used to treat me.
To which he replied, "why can't you take the IM for what it is? I mean I'm slow in replying sometimes. and I reply a little late. but I always reply." [which is funny, because earlier in that conversation, when I was trying to talk to him like a normal person, and he didn't reply at all until after 30 min later I asked again, "so what are you doing"]
you know what that sounds like? it sounds like I'm on a to-do list. Im'ed him back, check. I brought up the fact that if he's so busy, then why is he online available in a chatroom to which he replied, "this is not a chatroom." *I roll my eyes at that* and I state that it is a similar environment.I finally begin concluding that I am going crazy, I am going nuts over this and I really need to stop. He said, "no, don't" "I'm just busy." but guys, I don't buy it. if you're busy I don't see why you're on AIM. plain and simple. you're not in a photoshop class... shit.
I then replied, "come on. look at the way I have been acting for this long while. all the things that I've been doing." - "do you really consider me a healthy person?"
he says, "I guess"..."I don't know."
My aggravating brother wanted his computer back, so because matt was so slow in replying to what I was saying I couldn't finish the conversation.
I'm going to comfort myself here. Why can't I take the IM for what it is? because I want more, because I want what you started with me. no, when you care about getting to know someone after all this time you don't just take the IM for what it is. You take the IM to the next level. you know what, I have a job, I go to school, I tutor in different cities on different days of the week, I attend church and shop for groceries, and I make some time to hang out with friends...yeah matt, I'm busy too, but unlike you, I sign into AIM to TALK to people, and for no other reason. There almost isn't another reason to sign into your instant messengers.
I am not crazy. I am sane. I know there is something wrong and he can't tell me there isn't.
so...I'm not going to make promises like an idiot and say "OHHH this is it for matt nevo!" but I'll do my best. you guys HAVE to understand me here, that I've been able to drop driftwood guys easily in the past. But matt's not driftwood, and I invested serious emotions over this past year. So I will let time take over again. I will live.
by the way, someone asked if they could give me a blowjob for $400 this morning after photoshop class by the business education building.
oh, and last night, I took nudes of myself and traded them with some stranger. that's while I was talking to matt
at least finals are almost over.