I feel like I just shot my dog.

Jul 27, 2009 03:07

He just couldn't stop peeing on the carpet.

I quit the Grim. I didn't give a speech. I didn't give any warning. I didn't make any threats. I just quit.

And I need to vent somewhere because I am currently maintaining general silence on the subject.

There was no particular incident. Well, actually, I think the turning point for seriously considering it (recently, as I have certainly been close to it in the past) was Jeremy telling me that every time I sat down at the computer, no matter how I was feeling before I went in, I got upset. Every time. To the point that he would find things to do out of the room.

And it's true.

And it wasn't the game itself. It was the guild.

You're not supposed to feel trapped by a hobby. I felt like I wasn't allowed to say, "These things are making me unhappy. I think I want out." I felt like I wasn't allowed to say, "Thanks, but no thanks." Threatening to quit was something you're not allowed to do, even if you thought there might be things that could be changed to stop it from happening. I felt the hate growing and no way out without causing more hate, from myself towards others and from others towards me. The hostility in there was a constant rollercoaster of rage and joy. So rather than threaten, rather than make a fuss, after the umpteenth time of seriously considering, I won't threaten. I'll just do it. I'll betray them.

When I started to realize that almost all of my moments of giddy joy or inspiring confidence were coming from one person, one person who had struggled with being treated like an outsider from Day 1, one person who I had talked into not caring about others' vindictive behavior and struggling through so many times, and that one person was finally done with it, and that all of my moments of stress, disappointment, confusion, and feelings of worthlessness were coming from the organization itself and the majority of its members, while I was going to lose most of what made the guild still bearable, I decided to cut the strings.

Obviously, it wasn't all bad. I had a lot of good times. A lot, a lot, a lot. I freaking loved the place. Even up until today. But over time, very slowly, the bad grew to outweigh the good to the point that I couldn't reasonably expect to login without some new thing pissing me off.

At first I thought it was just the officer thing. If I could just get out of having officer duties, if I could just get away from the unrealistic expectations, I could avoid making anybody angry or upset.

But I've never really not been an officer with them. There have always been expectations of me. I created them. And the final push to actually type the command was the realization that even if I lost the titles and the duties, how long would it be before I took up new ones, offered to help, and got myself back into this ludicrously emotional cycle? It ends here.

You can only stop caring what other people think for so long. You can only feel like a drain on the moods and attitudes of everyone around you for so long. You can only feel like you are the cause of everyone else's problems for so long. I questioned my value from the first moment, but I managed to have enough self-confidence, to find enough support in others, to stop giving a shit what other people thought about me long enough to keep going, keep supporting, keep producing for my chosen hobby for three years.

But now? It's all been completely worn away.

But this...

I made Qabian for this, the only character I've ever created for anything that has actually captured me and made me want to keep moving him, growing him, changing him, developing him. He was made for the Grim. And now he's not Grim?

There's a lot of relief, an intense sense of freedom, like I can say whatever I want, do whatever I want now, damn the consequences. There's incredible disappointment. There's a massive amount of doubt. But for now, there is no regret. It feels necessary. Or I wouldn't have done it. And it's very strange to feel that after all of that, they're better off without you. Of course, being told that helps. -_-

wow

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