Calm before the storm
Here we go again. Oh no. Not really, but kinda...but really not really. Ok before I get anymore confusing, let me explain. It's Jason. The same day I wrote the post about missing him, I saw him. And I had soooo much fun. We haven't had fun without reservations in forever. It's usually akward and snide and negative. But it was so great. That really scares me. I'm definitely keeping him behind the Great Wall of China, but I don't know for how long. Oh hell, this potentially could be very very bad. He came to the Pat Green concert last nite. When Pat played Wave on Wave (which is our song) we just kinda melted into each other. It felt really comforting. How is it that I could feel so safe in the arms of the guy that completely demolished my heart only months before? How is it that I can look into his eyes and forget everything that's happened, if only in that moment? He feels like home to me. PG was kinda our thing. And it made me so unbelievably happy to have him there last nite. This is bad. I can't let this happen again. I WILL NOT get destroyed again. I don't want to let my wall down, and damnit it will not just take two evenings together. No way. I'm smart now. But here goes my heart thinking before my head. Just cuz it feels right, doesn't make it right. But there's just something about that kid. What am I gonna do now? I know. Keep my head on strait, and be on guard at all times. Trust is something he's gonna earn back at a snail's pace. I still don't think we could ever be like we were before. How could we? "Tammy & Jason" is so tarnished now. Kinda like my grandma's silver. Maybe if it was cared for before it got so bad, it could've been saved. But now it's too far gone. So here I am. Potentially heading down a road of destruction. However, I'm smarter and wiser than I was before. He's not getting back in that easy. Not on my life. Oh geez, what am I doing????