The damage has been done
So it's been a long time since I've posted. And I wanted the next time I did to be happy or at least not about Jason. However, in light of recent events, I need a place to outlet what I'm feeling. I went back and re-read all my desperate posts about Jason. And I never thought that after I got past all of my hurt and anguish, that I would have to deal with anything like this again. But, apparently everyone loves to stick their noses in my business. Someone, nicely enough, told him about the recent encounters I've had with my new boy friends. Which, isn't any of his business. But, I guess everyone else's lives are so boring, they have to stir mine up. Anyway, the fact is, Jason pretty much hates me. Well, maybe not to that extent. But, he's very very angry with my recent actions. The thing is, I'm single, and have been for a year and a half. So, pretty much what I wanna do is up to me, and it shouldn't effect him. But, it has. He's completely torn up about what I've chosen to do with my free time. I won't go into details, but it's something he never thought I'd do. I feel bad for causing him this pain. I really do. But the thing that bothers me the most, is that he will never ever look at me with his adoring eyes again. Which is really fine, but it kills me that he thinks less of me, and thinks horrible things about me. That's the thing that gets me. I don't want anyone to think less of me, but especially not him. Now don't get me wrong, I'm so over him, and our hopeless situation. Totally. I love my life now. I wouldn't change anything at all. Except for this Jason drama. It's always there. It never goes away and it never gets better. If it's not me being upset with him, it's him professing his love to me to him telling me he hates me more than anyone he's ever known. I don't really get it. Cuz we're not together and if we were, I never would've done what I did. But, the reason we're not together is his fault. So since I've moved on and don't want him back, he can't deal. He wants me back now. More than ever. That's all I ever wanted from him for the past 18 months. And now that I've got it, I don't want it. I want him to move on with his life and be happy. I mean for God's sake, he's got a girlfriend that just loves him blindly. Poor thing, she has no idea. But that's beside the point. The point is, I feel horrible that he doesn't see me in a positive lite anymore. Most of you would say "Why do you care anyway?" and yes, I agree. But the fact that he is someone I cherish and is very close to my heart, and thinks these things, kills me. I know my real friends don't care what I do and will love me and never judge me. But it's different with him. I haven't cried about that kid in a long long time. But just the fact that he's torn up is tearing me up. I just want this to go away. Why I can't just be at peace? What do I have to do to just be happy? I am happy, but I always have this Jason shit hanging over my head. If it's not one thing it's another with him. I can't understand. When's it gonna be my turn? I don't even know anymore. I sound like such a bitch, but after every single let down, and lead on, and lie, and disappointment, when is enough, enough? I know he'll get over all of this, and if he really loves me, he'll let it go. But then what? Then is it back to the hateful text messages because I don't want him back? Or what? Will he realize that we've both done too much to each other to ever work out? Or (God help me) will I fall back in love with that fool? Who knows? I would think that since all of this shit has gone down, that surely he's not the one God wants me to be with. If he was, all of these trials and tribulations never would've presented themselves. When I finally get to a place that I can deal with my life, and I'm super duper happy, he like has this radar that goes off, and he's gotta jump in and bring me down again. I'm so much stronger than I used to be, but he still gets me. And I think he always will. I just hate that he's lost whatever enchantment he used to have with me. And who knows, maybe he really hasn't. I don't know. All I know, is that I want to feel better now damnit!