Beautiful Disaster
I think its ironic that Elijah said that he relates to this song...that it almost describes him. Now I see what he means. I saw so much potential...and I tried so hard once again to make that potential a reality. Yet again I get my heart stomped on. I think I have "Welcome" written across my forehead or something. I dunno...I'm hurt and I'm angry, but at the same time I don't blame him. I'm the one that put myself out there. I should have known better. I should have been strong and kept my feelings in check more.
Basically what happened is that I got too close. He started to fall in love with me, and it scared him. So now he's pushing me away. I've tried to talk to him and work through things so that we can continue down this road to see if we really do have something as special as it seems. But he doesn't want to let me in. He doesn't want to let me get too close. Because then he'd have to put himself out there and be vulnerable. I'm sure that given time, he may have been ready to do that. But things just happened too fast. And since I didn't hold my feelings back, it just sped things up too much.
I told him that I'm not going anywhere, and I mean that. I'm not going to sit around and wait for him, because honestly...I don't know if he'll ever come back around. I think he's convinced himself that I'm not right for him. But that's not it at all. Maybe I'm TOO right for him. At least for him to handle right now. He needed more time to process it all, and I didn't give it to him. So maybe I just need to learn my lesson from this and move on. I don't want to walk away from him, or to give up on him. But I'm afraid he's already given up on me. All I can do is make myself available to him if he changes his mind. If not, then I just keep on with my life in the direction it's heading. Life goes on regardless. I hate it that something with so much potential slipped through my fingers, but ya know - it takes two. He has to want it to work as much as I do in order for it to work. I know that I could be the man he wants, and I know that he is the man he wants. But he's too afraid to see it. I can't do anything about that. So I head back out into the rain, away from my temporary shelter...
Beautiful Disaster
By Kelly Clarkson
He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme I know
He’s as damned as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold
And if I try to save him
My whole world could cave in
It just ain’t right
Lord, it just ain’t right
Oh and i don’t know
I don’t know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Lord, would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster
He's magic and myth
As strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
And do I try to change him
So hard not to blame him
Hold on tight
Baby, hold on tight
Oh cuz I don’t know
I don’t know what he’s after
But he’s so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster
I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy hysterical
I'm waiting for some kind of miracle
Waited so long
So long
He’s soft to the touch
But frayed at the end he breaks
He’s never enough
And still he's more than I can take
Oh cuz I don’t know
I don’t know what he’s after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster
He’s beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
Basically what happened is that I got too close. He started to fall in love with me, and it scared him. So now he's pushing me away. I've tried to talk to him and work through things so that we can continue down this road to see if we really do have something as special as it seems. But he doesn't want to let me in. He doesn't want to let me get too close. Because then he'd have to put himself out there and be vulnerable. I'm sure that given time, he may have been ready to do that. But things just happened too fast. And since I didn't hold my feelings back, it just sped things up too much.
I told him that I'm not going anywhere, and I mean that. I'm not going to sit around and wait for him, because honestly...I don't know if he'll ever come back around. I think he's convinced himself that I'm not right for him. But that's not it at all. Maybe I'm TOO right for him. At least for him to handle right now. He needed more time to process it all, and I didn't give it to him. So maybe I just need to learn my lesson from this and move on. I don't want to walk away from him, or to give up on him. But I'm afraid he's already given up on me. All I can do is make myself available to him if he changes his mind. If not, then I just keep on with my life in the direction it's heading. Life goes on regardless. I hate it that something with so much potential slipped through my fingers, but ya know - it takes two. He has to want it to work as much as I do in order for it to work. I know that I could be the man he wants, and I know that he is the man he wants. But he's too afraid to see it. I can't do anything about that. So I head back out into the rain, away from my temporary shelter...
Beautiful Disaster
By Kelly Clarkson
He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme I know
He’s as damned as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold
And if I try to save him
My whole world could cave in
It just ain’t right
Lord, it just ain’t right
Oh and i don’t know
I don’t know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Lord, would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster
He's magic and myth
As strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
And do I try to change him
So hard not to blame him
Hold on tight
Baby, hold on tight
Oh cuz I don’t know
I don’t know what he’s after
But he’s so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster
I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy hysterical
I'm waiting for some kind of miracle
Waited so long
So long
He’s soft to the touch
But frayed at the end he breaks
He’s never enough
And still he's more than I can take
Oh cuz I don’t know
I don’t know what he’s after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster
He’s beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster