The only person I can control is myself.
The only person I can control is myself. The only actions I can make happen or prevent are my own. The only time I can schedule is that which I possess or have been offered.
I think my social rhythm is a bit screwed. Having Saturday, Sunday AND Monday as 'doing things' days is throwing me off - and Sunday has been my anchor for the entire time I've been at York, and Monday is doctor's appointments, so it's going to have to be Saturday's energies that are redistributed. I can do the occiaisonal effort-ful thing - running Monster was totally worth it, and I will be going to the D&D day next weekend even if Dave has to carry me there, but I don't think I can commit to regular Saturday larp any more. It's a shame, because I was enjoying Last Bastion, but when it's come to the last three sessions (including today) my body has just sat me down and said 'No'. Granted, last time I was crying over having been broken up with, but I had been planning to go anyway until I tried to get out of bed and it all hit me like bricks.
I could try moving the appointment to Tuesdays, but given that Wednesday is also a day in which things occur (and I feel bad every time I step outside the house for the first time on a Wednesday and it's dark and I missed the sun and wish I had gone out at all), I think I'm best off keeping most of Tuesday as a rest day (Tuesday evening tends to be the evening when people are free to go out on dates, so I tend to do that then). Also, Monday tends to be a day in which low-stress socialising tends to occur in people's houses with tea, and I would like to do that thing more. That occiaisionally happens on Wednesdays, too - it might be an idea to bimble off to get chips with someone who lives near me.
I feel pretty balanced today - I went to town to have a date yesterday which was fun if a little sad (knowing that a lot of things would have to change for you to be properly with a person, while also knowing that nobody is in a place where they can make those changes a priority, is a sad thing to have to face up to), which involved getting dressed up pretty, walking around, eating tasty (spicy!) food, having positive social interaction and sitting by the river for a while and then coming home and cooking in (different) good company. Today I woke up happy, got some nutrition into me, and then just as the fatigue started coming over me had Alex come over for hugs. And then the rest of the morning contained cuddles and getting things for him, because he's a bit poorley and it tends to make me feel good to be able to do things to look after a person I love.
We also have lots of leftover sweet-potato curry from last night, and I shall probably cook something in a bit again. Not too much stodge, either - sweet potatoes are good for blood-sugar regulation, and rice and potatoes are good for bulking stuff out, but when my appitite is small I think that focussing on less starchy/filling stuff is better for me. I've been having a half-portion of cereal for breakfast with some kind of fruit, and I think that's a good way of doing it for me.
I'm optimistic about tomorrow - a 'day on, day off' schedule has usually been best for my energy/mood levels, but lately I've just been trying to drag myself to as much stuff as possible to try to pretend that I don't need 'excessive' rest and to have a hope of seeing people that I worry will forget about me if they don't see me as much (note to self: remember that quality is more important than quantity, and also that people missed you when you left York, rather than being all 'who's that and why is she here' when you returned).
Friday I went out, today I have sat on my bed and cuddled with Alex and retuned my dulcimer and eaten chocolate. Tomorrow I shall larp, Monday I shall see the doctor and hopefully drink tea with someone (I don't know who yet), Tuesday I shall rest and maybe have a date and early night in the evening, Wednesday I shall go out to bimble (hopefully) and then larp in the evening, and Thursday I shall probably rest, and hopefully I can go out with someone on Friday as well before having dinner with Dave and Kate (and maybe another person or two if we can find some who are free, because then we can play Dominion in the sense that isn't a euphemism after).
Being desperate for affection generally isn't good for one's planning skills - you end up always leaving yourself 'free' in the hopes of being wanted on the day or the night, but that just means that you never do the other things you might want to plan in advance, and end up feeling even lonelier. I am making a resolution to make the most of what I have and what I'm offered, and not to pine (too much, at least) over what I am not being offered. I was worried about turning into some monsterous Rules-Girl if I tried to chase less, wait to be asked, and let others have the last word in a conversation, but I think that accepting what comes is something I've got to learn - I'm getting too wound up over things I can't change or affect in a meaningful way, like other people's responsibilities and priorities. With those things, I can just change how I react - not the emotions I feel, but whether I huddle and pine or reach out and let myself laugh - and not what the situation is.
(Even offering an ultimatum, like I ended up doing when it became clear that he wasn't suggesting any alternatives, doesn't force a change in the situation. It just makes clear to the person that 'this stops, or you can't have me any more' - that the situation is currently untenable from the point of view of the person offering it, and that they will have to remove themselves from the problem, and that if the problem remains part of the situation, then the person will have to remove themselves from the situation as a whole. That being passive about the problem is unacceptable - that if they continue failing to acknowledge the problem as a problem, then they will be treated as actively making a choice to let it continue.)
That particular problem is not my business any more. I stepped away from the situation rather than keep pouring energy into trying to fix things - that energy wasn't doing anything and was being actively opposed by other quarters. I've lost a good lover and a good friend, but perhaps when enough things have happened and cycles have turned, we can have some sort of reconcilliation.
In the meantime, I will scroll back up to that resolution I made earlier - to make the most of what I have, and to take and share and make plans with only what is offered to me. I have other people who want to spend time with me and share affection, and I've been ignoring them to focus on this. That is something that I do have the power to change. :D
I think my social rhythm is a bit screwed. Having Saturday, Sunday AND Monday as 'doing things' days is throwing me off - and Sunday has been my anchor for the entire time I've been at York, and Monday is doctor's appointments, so it's going to have to be Saturday's energies that are redistributed. I can do the occiaisonal effort-ful thing - running Monster was totally worth it, and I will be going to the D&D day next weekend even if Dave has to carry me there, but I don't think I can commit to regular Saturday larp any more. It's a shame, because I was enjoying Last Bastion, but when it's come to the last three sessions (including today) my body has just sat me down and said 'No'. Granted, last time I was crying over having been broken up with, but I had been planning to go anyway until I tried to get out of bed and it all hit me like bricks.
I could try moving the appointment to Tuesdays, but given that Wednesday is also a day in which things occur (and I feel bad every time I step outside the house for the first time on a Wednesday and it's dark and I missed the sun and wish I had gone out at all), I think I'm best off keeping most of Tuesday as a rest day (Tuesday evening tends to be the evening when people are free to go out on dates, so I tend to do that then). Also, Monday tends to be a day in which low-stress socialising tends to occur in people's houses with tea, and I would like to do that thing more. That occiaisionally happens on Wednesdays, too - it might be an idea to bimble off to get chips with someone who lives near me.
I feel pretty balanced today - I went to town to have a date yesterday which was fun if a little sad (knowing that a lot of things would have to change for you to be properly with a person, while also knowing that nobody is in a place where they can make those changes a priority, is a sad thing to have to face up to), which involved getting dressed up pretty, walking around, eating tasty (spicy!) food, having positive social interaction and sitting by the river for a while and then coming home and cooking in (different) good company. Today I woke up happy, got some nutrition into me, and then just as the fatigue started coming over me had Alex come over for hugs. And then the rest of the morning contained cuddles and getting things for him, because he's a bit poorley and it tends to make me feel good to be able to do things to look after a person I love.
We also have lots of leftover sweet-potato curry from last night, and I shall probably cook something in a bit again. Not too much stodge, either - sweet potatoes are good for blood-sugar regulation, and rice and potatoes are good for bulking stuff out, but when my appitite is small I think that focussing on less starchy/filling stuff is better for me. I've been having a half-portion of cereal for breakfast with some kind of fruit, and I think that's a good way of doing it for me.
I'm optimistic about tomorrow - a 'day on, day off' schedule has usually been best for my energy/mood levels, but lately I've just been trying to drag myself to as much stuff as possible to try to pretend that I don't need 'excessive' rest and to have a hope of seeing people that I worry will forget about me if they don't see me as much (note to self: remember that quality is more important than quantity, and also that people missed you when you left York, rather than being all 'who's that and why is she here' when you returned).
Friday I went out, today I have sat on my bed and cuddled with Alex and retuned my dulcimer and eaten chocolate. Tomorrow I shall larp, Monday I shall see the doctor and hopefully drink tea with someone (I don't know who yet), Tuesday I shall rest and maybe have a date and early night in the evening, Wednesday I shall go out to bimble (hopefully) and then larp in the evening, and Thursday I shall probably rest, and hopefully I can go out with someone on Friday as well before having dinner with Dave and Kate (and maybe another person or two if we can find some who are free, because then we can play Dominion in the sense that isn't a euphemism after).
Being desperate for affection generally isn't good for one's planning skills - you end up always leaving yourself 'free' in the hopes of being wanted on the day or the night, but that just means that you never do the other things you might want to plan in advance, and end up feeling even lonelier. I am making a resolution to make the most of what I have and what I'm offered, and not to pine (too much, at least) over what I am not being offered. I was worried about turning into some monsterous Rules-Girl if I tried to chase less, wait to be asked, and let others have the last word in a conversation, but I think that accepting what comes is something I've got to learn - I'm getting too wound up over things I can't change or affect in a meaningful way, like other people's responsibilities and priorities. With those things, I can just change how I react - not the emotions I feel, but whether I huddle and pine or reach out and let myself laugh - and not what the situation is.
(Even offering an ultimatum, like I ended up doing when it became clear that he wasn't suggesting any alternatives, doesn't force a change in the situation. It just makes clear to the person that 'this stops, or you can't have me any more' - that the situation is currently untenable from the point of view of the person offering it, and that they will have to remove themselves from the problem, and that if the problem remains part of the situation, then the person will have to remove themselves from the situation as a whole. That being passive about the problem is unacceptable - that if they continue failing to acknowledge the problem as a problem, then they will be treated as actively making a choice to let it continue.)
That particular problem is not my business any more. I stepped away from the situation rather than keep pouring energy into trying to fix things - that energy wasn't doing anything and was being actively opposed by other quarters. I've lost a good lover and a good friend, but perhaps when enough things have happened and cycles have turned, we can have some sort of reconcilliation.
In the meantime, I will scroll back up to that resolution I made earlier - to make the most of what I have, and to take and share and make plans with only what is offered to me. I have other people who want to spend time with me and share affection, and I've been ignoring them to focus on this. That is something that I do have the power to change. :D