What's so hard about committment?
Today, a dialog about infidelity on the Early Show. They recapped sound-byte reports of recent politician philanderings,* followed by panel banter between an anthropologist, a male author of a book more/less about why he cheated (and lost his marriage), and another (female) author.
Topic: why we humans lie and cheat in marriage.
Are men hard-wired for infidelity as a result of evolution? Do women lie better and therefore "don't get caught unless they want to"? Can infidelity be equated with immaturity? Do we just over-idealize romantic love?
Maybe yes, maybe no. But are those the right questions?
I propose that we that we lie to ourselves. We make up stories about our self, and tell them to our self, all day long. And many of those stories are simply not true:
"I couldn't help myself." [I wanted something and didn't care about how you would feel.]
"Things just went so fast, I didn't realize what was happening until it was too late." [I abdicated my responsibility to keep my own boundaries.]
"You don't love me anymore." [I'm not happy with myself/I'm bored with my life/I don't want to work that hard at a relationship.]
It's committment to one's self that is hard to maintain.
I find a commitment to dieting more challenging than committment to my partner, but that's just me. Different people just struggle with different issues.
Me, I walk by the treat table at work and I really, really want one of those chocolate-dipped Girl Scout cookies. Everyone else is eating them. I'm the only one who isn't. (Probably literally true.) It's just one cookie. I go down to get lunch, and I really want the whole burrito, even though I've seen how many WW points a Chipotle tortilla is worth. I'm just hungry. I want to be satisfied. It's amazing what I can tell myself about the food.
The truth is, I have little self-control in that area. My craving in the moment seems more important than a more fit and healthy body in the future.
The only thing holding me back from making some choices is committment to myself.
And yes, I do think that is directly analogous to infidelity.
* philander. have amorous affairs; of men.