It's that time of year, again
2 years ago this evening - I turned off all the machines on my Todd. It was a crazy, beautiful sunlit, hot-wacky-hot San Francisco day with a view of the ocean from his ICU room at UCSF and it was all so bloody sickening. To this day I hate every single moment of every single choice I had to make that day.
I had to make the most compassionate and lovely and loving Chair of Nephrology & Transplant, who was T's personal friend, break out into tears with me when we made the decision to terminate the continual dialysis (effectively ending T's life)... along with turning off all the 'pressors. And I felt his heart beat it's last under my hand..............
There are 3 days in this life I live again and again and have nightmares about:
1. When my mom & dad and 6 of my friends came to tell me my fiance Christopher was dead from being crushed in a horrific car accident. (21)
2. The day I was told my wife Cindy had no chance surviving metastatic breast and brain cancer & then we spent the next 2 months in brain cancer/neurological circles of brain cancer horror/hell. (32)
3. And the day I had to pull the plug on Todd, all on my own.
I loathe the whole soul-scourging, leak-making, second guessing, watching-someone-u-love die, nightly-reruns of what-if's ..... Until u don't sleep ever. Or at least for the rest of the g-d damned sodding month.
Which one month? haven't picked one yet.
I had to make the most compassionate and lovely and loving Chair of Nephrology & Transplant, who was T's personal friend, break out into tears with me when we made the decision to terminate the continual dialysis (effectively ending T's life)... along with turning off all the 'pressors. And I felt his heart beat it's last under my hand..............
There are 3 days in this life I live again and again and have nightmares about:
1. When my mom & dad and 6 of my friends came to tell me my fiance Christopher was dead from being crushed in a horrific car accident. (21)
2. The day I was told my wife Cindy had no chance surviving metastatic breast and brain cancer & then we spent the next 2 months in brain cancer/neurological circles of brain cancer horror/hell. (32)
3. And the day I had to pull the plug on Todd, all on my own.
I loathe the whole soul-scourging, leak-making, second guessing, watching-someone-u-love die, nightly-reruns of what-if's ..... Until u don't sleep ever. Or at least for the rest of the g-d damned sodding month.
Which one month? haven't picked one yet.