Black Black Heart
Man, today I woke up crying, for the first time I can remember I couldn't get up when the alarm went off. I didn't go to school, just because I didn't have the energy and I was literally scared of the people there. This has never happened to me. I have never experienced such emptiness that I couldn't move. Feelings like; why do I bother? I'll never be good enough for anyone? I never get anything done...
I know, sounds really sad and pathetic. Well, I slept for 4 more hours and finally got out of bed. I put some Lisa Gerrard in my player and started making coffee. I didn't even get the coffee maker on when the tears poored out of me. I just wept on my couch for about an hour. After that I realized how weak I really am. I needed this sucky day to see that. I cry cause I feel lonely.
I have always been the crybaby of the family, the one that kinda kept my mother together. She has raised me, my twin sister and older brother all alone and worked at the same time. I always tried to protect her from trouble so I always kept my worries to myself, while my siblings went through a healthy puberty... Even today I try to solve all of my problems alone although I have lots of friends and I could even open up to my sister about stuff. It's nothing serious I think. Just lots of little things on top of each other. I shouldn't even be complaining about my life since there are millions of people struggling to keep food on the table or something. I have a job, I go to school, I have friends, I'm tall. I have all those things going for me and still I just feel empty. I need love, yes, that's what's missing from my life...
Bah, how do people survive without it. Or am I the only one living alone and feeling alone in a crowd?
Well, I need to think something positive for a while. Like last friday night, which I spent talking to this guy(I talked about him in my earlier posts) for hours and hours. Actually 8 hours straight, about everything, sex, family, childhood and embarassing moments. Ah, that was nice, I love chats like that, just alone with someone, being honest and straight about stuff. No masks or lies. Or atleast that felt like we were open.
Crap. I have work in few hours, talking to people I don't know. Have to get my game face on... Crap.
((What a friggin' positive entry...))
I know, sounds really sad and pathetic. Well, I slept for 4 more hours and finally got out of bed. I put some Lisa Gerrard in my player and started making coffee. I didn't even get the coffee maker on when the tears poored out of me. I just wept on my couch for about an hour. After that I realized how weak I really am. I needed this sucky day to see that. I cry cause I feel lonely.
I have always been the crybaby of the family, the one that kinda kept my mother together. She has raised me, my twin sister and older brother all alone and worked at the same time. I always tried to protect her from trouble so I always kept my worries to myself, while my siblings went through a healthy puberty... Even today I try to solve all of my problems alone although I have lots of friends and I could even open up to my sister about stuff. It's nothing serious I think. Just lots of little things on top of each other. I shouldn't even be complaining about my life since there are millions of people struggling to keep food on the table or something. I have a job, I go to school, I have friends, I'm tall. I have all those things going for me and still I just feel empty. I need love, yes, that's what's missing from my life...
Bah, how do people survive without it. Or am I the only one living alone and feeling alone in a crowd?
Well, I need to think something positive for a while. Like last friday night, which I spent talking to this guy(I talked about him in my earlier posts) for hours and hours. Actually 8 hours straight, about everything, sex, family, childhood and embarassing moments. Ah, that was nice, I love chats like that, just alone with someone, being honest and straight about stuff. No masks or lies. Or atleast that felt like we were open.
Crap. I have work in few hours, talking to people I don't know. Have to get my game face on... Crap.
((What a friggin' positive entry...))