Friday nonsense -- Fidget-what...?
Modern teens are threatening the future of humankind with extinction, scientists and psychiatrists are warning, since the emergence of the new global mania, the so called fidget-spinners. The reason is that because they've occupied their hands with the little spinning gadgets, their sexual maturing is getting hindered.
A 97% decrease in masturbation rates is being observed among boys and girls 11-16 years of age, according to researchers. And it is the worthless spinning thingies that's the main culprit for that, because they are designed to soothe strained nerves. This, in a world where being a knot of nerves is the new norm, of course.
The teens have now dangerously substituted onanism and weed-smoking with playing with fidget-spinners, and this worries the elder generations because today's teens are shaping up to become the most sexually incompetent generation in ages.
"Back in me' day, youngsters us'd ta play wiff their own fidget-spinners that the Loard doth gift'd 'em wiff", an old man told the press. "Not some plastic rollers or suchstuff!" A shy tear rolls down his side as he recalls the days of yore when he used to climb trees back in the family farm to watch the neighbor's wife taking a shower.
Even the respectable representatives of the major faiths have expressed an opinion on the matter.
"We were only scaring teens into abstinence and advising them against masturbation to make that forbidden occupation more fascinating and interesting for them!", a clergyman promised while burrowing his hand into his cassock.
The future of the human race is now uncertain. We are most definitely gonna die off as a species.