My new life
On July 3rd, I moved out of my house and into my back yard. All because I'm on drugs.
My shrink prescribed Gabitril some time ago, an anti-convulsive that has the side-effect of helping induce deep-level sleep. I didn't start taking it until two weeks ago. I had last seen her right before Elkins came down, and I figured I'd better hold off on starting a new drug until after she left. Then I delayed for another week because I couldn't fathom where I'd stashed the samples she gave me. (They were under the passenger seat in the car, of course!)
I had taken the drug in extremely small doses for a few days at a time, but I never got any momentum with it. I was familiar with the slight sensation of dizziness I got when taking the med right before bed. When she changed the regimen -- two pills in the evening and one in the morning -- I didn't notice much change. Maybe a little dizziness, but not much.
Then I was supposed to double both doses, or at least I think I was. I take notes during our sessions on my PDA, but since I use the Note Pad app, which has you write directly on the screen, sometimes those notes are less than legible. Not to mention the fact that I'm firing on approximately 2.5 cylinders at any given time.
Anyway, on the night of July 2, I took 4 pills in the evening. I probably took 2 in the morning. I was supposed to meet my mom in Provo at 9am on Saturday the 3rd to see the 4th of July parade, but when I woke up I felt so loopy I knew that it would literally be criminal for me to operate a motor vehicle. I called her and cancelled, agreeing that if I felt better later on, we'd do something else.
My neighborhood was holding a Fourth of July breakfast from 7-9, so I wandered over there. I could barely walk in a straight line. The sensation was similar to coming out of anesthetic, when you can see things but not really register what they are, and you have your peripheral vision but you can't seem to make any sense of it. I felt like I really wasn't there (and I guess in some sense I wasn't). I struck up conversations with people but had a hard time registering what they said. I couldn't have produced one person's name to save my life, including my own. I've never been drunk or high before, but I'd wager that functionally that's where I was.
When I got home around 9 am, I thought: it's such a beautiful day! It would be a shame to spend it lolling on the couch or slouching in front of the computer. (I had done some hand-to-hand combat in Pendings the night before, when one eager newbie kept sending in posts with the comments on top of unsnipped quotage. I had edited about 10 of them on July 1st, sending a message for each explaining the change and instructing a look-see at the Posting Tutorial. It was evident that our eager poster hadn't read those messages, so on the night of the 2nd I rejected 10 more. As soon as I had drained the queue, another couple of non-compliant messages from this person showed up. They weren't checking their e-mail before posting, so I told them that I was revoking their posting privileges [they could still read] for 24 hours until they'd calmed down and edited the messages.)
So I decided to hang out in my back yard. I didn't plan any of this ahead of time -- there was no way I could -- I just started by spreading the blue tarp under the Russian Olive (all-day shade), then wandering into the house to see what I could spread on it, seeing the still-inflated air mattress in the spare room, turning it on edge and forcing it -- somehow -- out the back door, then going back into the house and eventually dragging out the following items: CD/radio player, portable fan, CPAP and humidifier, three end tables, box of Ding-Dongs, bug spray, sunscreen, anti-itch cream, hand lotion, air pump, power strip, book of crosswords, The Count of Monte Cristo, Phoenix (Bloomsbury Ed), a battery-powered Coleman lantern, a large water cup with straw, a the cat's nail clippers, my nail clippers, bag of sugar-free butterscotch candies, bowl of grapes, camera with telephoto lens, binocs, Peterson's Field Guide to North American Birds, Audubon Guide to Western Wildflowers, and my PDA. And a pencil.
I spent nearly the entire day lolling on the mattress in the dappled sunlight, drifting in and out of consciousness, enjoying the strangely cool breeze out of the north, listening to Diane Arkenstone on continuous play, and trying to photograph the elusive hummingbirds whose call I frequently hear but who don't make a showing until after I've put my camera away. I got a surprise visit from an American Goldfinch and watched a Downy Woodpecker for quite some time. Got a shot of the woodpecker. I also noticed that a pair of Mourning Doves are nesting in a nearby tree and that the male house Finches are still posturing.
In the meantime, the loopiness never subsided. Mom showed up around 6 pm, and while I was showing her what I'd planted recently, I nearly collapsed in the heat. I had been trying to improve my water intake (all my blood tests show me as dehydrated), but it appears that the Gabitril makes me really sensitive to heat and dehydration. After I drank a ton of water and ate some of the magnificent cherries mom brought me, we went out to eat at Ruby Tuesday's (great top sirloin) and to see Spiderman 2. I liked it all right (sorry, Narcissam). But just as in the first Spiderman and Seabiscuit, I was continually distracted by the crook-shaped scar on Tobey McGuire's right cheek. Can't the make-up people fill that thing in?
I've been spending the night on the mattress every night since then and most of every day. I took only 2 pills on Saturday night because I had to play the piano for Primary from 12-2pm. I walked to church because I was still feeling a little loopy and shouldn't be trusted with a car yet. The next night I took 3 pills, and last night I took 4 again. I was about 80% as loopy today as on Saturday. Yesterday, I was about 50% as loopy, so I decided to drive to Subway to get a sammich. Bad idea. I was halfway down the wrong road before I realized that I wasn't heading toward Subway at all. I didn't wreck; I probably should have.
So today's plans to go to the laundromat got cancelled. However, I was haunted all day by the idea that I needed to go somewhere, but I couldn't remember where nor could I remember that I had decided not to go. I also jumped into a 14-post pendings queue and discovered that I had a hard time keeping things straight. Fortunately, Ali jumped in at about the same time, so I didn't have to do them all. I'm lucky I didn't send admonitions to the main list instead of the listies. Then again, maybe I did and I just can't tell. I'm definitely in no shape to work.
Tomorrow, I have to drive to my shrink's office. I'll take maybe one pill tonight, one in the morning, and hope that I'm clear enough to drive. There is a bus that goes near there, so I guess I'll have to resort to that if I'm totally unbalanced.
And the fun part is that the mattress has a slow leak. I have no idea where, and I don't have the strength to go looking for it. As a result, my back suffers unless the mattress is Well Inflated or in Hammock Mode. It's hard to get out of without killing myself, though. You should see me try to hoist myself into a low-slung lawn chair next to the bed; it's even money that I'll tip over the chair in a moment worthy of America's Stupidest Videos of People Falling Over; You Can See From A Mile Away What's Is Going To Happen So It's Not Funny Anymore. I also have to sleep on top of my sleeping bag because large air mattresses have the infelicitous tenency to Suck The Warmth From Your Body Like Any Random Dementor. But I do manage to sleep well (though I don't seem to be logging any good time on the CPAP), and I wake up when the sun rises at 6am, which is the only time the sun directly hits the mattress.
2004-06-28
Mon
0100: Computer off, Watch TV
0200: Drink hot cocoa, read Monte Cristo
0235: Take 8 mg Gabitril, resume reading
0330: Retire with Breeze; sleep on stomach
0600: Pop off mask, resume sleep
1330: Arise, eat frosted mini wheats
1445: Take meds, no Provigil, (125 µg Synthroid)
1500: Doze on couch with CD
1540: Loll on air mattress during thunderstorm, attempt to doze
1710: Arise, wander around in rain, turn on water for lawn
1750: Make & eat arepas with cheese, cherries
2010: Eat two corn dogs, rest of cherries, 10 oz grapefruit juice
2200: Putz around on computer
CPAP: 2.5
Non-CPAP: 6
Alertness: 4
Mood: 5
Fatigue: 7
Putz Factor: 6
2004-06-29
Tue
0100: Turn off computer; take shower
0140: Take 8 mg Gabitril
0150 : Read Monte Cristo
0235: Drink 6 oz chocolate milk; retire with Breeze
0325: Give up on CPAP, machine off
0405: Eat sugar-free yogurt, not having slept
0715: Awaken to alarm
0745: Arise, eat Malt-O-Meal, take meds (125 µg Synthroid)
0810: Drive to Potter's office
0945: Go to Lowe's, buy T & straight connectors, Soil Pep, sand
1030: Go to Smith's, buy milk et al.
1110: Return home, eat 3 dinner rolls & 8 oz milk, fax thinger to GE
1230: Attempt nap on couch; fail
1400: Yard work: plant oenotheras, penstemons, cactus, hollyhocks, delphiniums
1730: Collapse on couch
1800: Putz around on computer
CPAP: 0
Non-CPAP: 3
Alertness: 4
Mood: 5
Fatigue: 5
Putz Factor: 6
2004-06-30
Wed
0130: Computer off, take shower
0150: Take 8 mg Gabitril
0205: Read Monte Cristo, fend off affectionate cat
0250: Retire with Breeze
0415: Pop off mask
1100: Awaken to answer door, go back to bed
1420: Arise, eat 3 dinner rolls, 2 Krispy Kremes, grapefruit juice, take meds (100 mg Provigil, no Synthroid), loll on couch
1600: Go deposit check, pick up Ambien (note to self: try again for Syn after scanning it)
1640: Get on computer, open Olympus scanner, discover that AC cord is missing. Plow through a mess o' pendings
1745: Plant verbascum, hollyhock, carnations, oenotherums, sedums
2145: Turn on computer, plow thru an even bigger mess o' pendings
CPAP: 2.4
Non-CPAP: 6.75, 4.2
Alertness: 3
Mood: 5
Fatigue: 5
Putz Factor: 4
2004-07-01
Thu
0330: Turn off computer, take shower, read Monte Cristo, take 5 mg Ambien
0430: Take 8 mg Gabitril, retire with Breeze
0825: Pop off mask (3.9), resume sleep
1330: Arise, take meds (125 µg Synthroid, 8 mg Gabitril, 200 mg Provigil), eat frosted mini-wheats
1400: Receive VTs (which is why I got up when I did)
1440: Watch TV; feel dizzy from the Gabitril, do xwords
1530: Computer on; putz around, edit that guy's article
2020: Get off computer to watch CSI; eat can of Bush's baked beans
2100: Resume computer stuff
2310: Do a crap-load of pendings
2345: Take away Smartone's posting privileges
CPAP: 3.9
Non-CPAP: 5
Alertness: 3
Mood: 5
Fatigue: 6
Putz Factor: 8
2004-07-02
Fri
0200: Finally log off computer
0205: Make and eat 3 arepas with cheese, load DW
0230: Take 12 mg Gabitril, 5 mg Ambien
0245: Read Monte Cristo
0330: Retire w/Breeze
0520: Pop off mask, resume sieep
1000: Awaken to doorbell, take meds (125 µg Synthroid, 0 Gabitril [out]) with 4 oz "Mt Dew"
1100: Computer on, Big Putz
1515: Watch Dr. Phil, eat handful of grapes, do xwords
1600: Attempt to nap during Wimbledon, field 2 calls from MaMa
1700: Go to pharmacy, wait forever (long line)
1830: Return home, eat KFC, taters & gravy, biscuit & honey, root beer, 3 ding-dongs, handful of grapes
1900: Joan of Arcadia
2000: Water lawn, plant carex, potentilla, agastache, sedum
2210: Go inside, watch news, Seinfeld
2300: Back on computer
CPAP: 1.7
Non-CPAP: 5.2
Alertness: 4
Mood: 6
Fatigue: 8
Putz Factor:
2004-07-03
Sat
0030: Take shower
0130: Take 16 mg Gabitril
0305: Retire with Breeze (forget to set alarm)
0550: Pop off mask
0715: Arise (bladder), feel dizzy, call Mom & cancel parade meet-up, take meds
0830: Go to neighborhood breakfast in a daze, eat 2 pancakes, 1 waffle, eggs, bacon, sausages, watermelon, hash browns, milk
0850: Return home, drag air mattress outside along with blankets, stereo, fan, tunes, grapes, etc. Conti.
0910: Collapse on mattress, loll about, drifting in and out of consciousness, while listening to Diane Arkenstone on continuous play
1600: Mom calls, arranges to come up
1615: Do some birdwatching, see hummers, woodpecker; saw goldfinch earlier, eat 2 ding-dongs, grapes, lots of water
1800: Mom arrives, brings cherries (which I eat), we go to Ruby Tuesday's, eat salad (hard-boiled egg, beets, carrots, cheese, ham, poppy-seed french), baked tater with butter, snow peas, 8 oz sirloin
2010: Go see Spiderman 2, wooze begins to wear off, so I can comprehend it. Good flick.
2245: Return home, take 8 mg Gabitril, 5 mg Ambien, take shower, haul CPAP outside
2315: Retire with Breeze
CPAP:
Non-CPAP:
Alertness: 1
Mood: 8
Fatigue: 9
Putz Factor: n/a
My shrink prescribed Gabitril some time ago, an anti-convulsive that has the side-effect of helping induce deep-level sleep. I didn't start taking it until two weeks ago. I had last seen her right before Elkins came down, and I figured I'd better hold off on starting a new drug until after she left. Then I delayed for another week because I couldn't fathom where I'd stashed the samples she gave me. (They were under the passenger seat in the car, of course!)
I had taken the drug in extremely small doses for a few days at a time, but I never got any momentum with it. I was familiar with the slight sensation of dizziness I got when taking the med right before bed. When she changed the regimen -- two pills in the evening and one in the morning -- I didn't notice much change. Maybe a little dizziness, but not much.
Then I was supposed to double both doses, or at least I think I was. I take notes during our sessions on my PDA, but since I use the Note Pad app, which has you write directly on the screen, sometimes those notes are less than legible. Not to mention the fact that I'm firing on approximately 2.5 cylinders at any given time.
Anyway, on the night of July 2, I took 4 pills in the evening. I probably took 2 in the morning. I was supposed to meet my mom in Provo at 9am on Saturday the 3rd to see the 4th of July parade, but when I woke up I felt so loopy I knew that it would literally be criminal for me to operate a motor vehicle. I called her and cancelled, agreeing that if I felt better later on, we'd do something else.
My neighborhood was holding a Fourth of July breakfast from 7-9, so I wandered over there. I could barely walk in a straight line. The sensation was similar to coming out of anesthetic, when you can see things but not really register what they are, and you have your peripheral vision but you can't seem to make any sense of it. I felt like I really wasn't there (and I guess in some sense I wasn't). I struck up conversations with people but had a hard time registering what they said. I couldn't have produced one person's name to save my life, including my own. I've never been drunk or high before, but I'd wager that functionally that's where I was.
When I got home around 9 am, I thought: it's such a beautiful day! It would be a shame to spend it lolling on the couch or slouching in front of the computer. (I had done some hand-to-hand combat in Pendings the night before, when one eager newbie kept sending in posts with the comments on top of unsnipped quotage. I had edited about 10 of them on July 1st, sending a message for each explaining the change and instructing a look-see at the Posting Tutorial. It was evident that our eager poster hadn't read those messages, so on the night of the 2nd I rejected 10 more. As soon as I had drained the queue, another couple of non-compliant messages from this person showed up. They weren't checking their e-mail before posting, so I told them that I was revoking their posting privileges [they could still read] for 24 hours until they'd calmed down and edited the messages.)
So I decided to hang out in my back yard. I didn't plan any of this ahead of time -- there was no way I could -- I just started by spreading the blue tarp under the Russian Olive (all-day shade), then wandering into the house to see what I could spread on it, seeing the still-inflated air mattress in the spare room, turning it on edge and forcing it -- somehow -- out the back door, then going back into the house and eventually dragging out the following items: CD/radio player, portable fan, CPAP and humidifier, three end tables, box of Ding-Dongs, bug spray, sunscreen, anti-itch cream, hand lotion, air pump, power strip, book of crosswords, The Count of Monte Cristo, Phoenix (Bloomsbury Ed), a battery-powered Coleman lantern, a large water cup with straw, a the cat's nail clippers, my nail clippers, bag of sugar-free butterscotch candies, bowl of grapes, camera with telephoto lens, binocs, Peterson's Field Guide to North American Birds, Audubon Guide to Western Wildflowers, and my PDA. And a pencil.
I spent nearly the entire day lolling on the mattress in the dappled sunlight, drifting in and out of consciousness, enjoying the strangely cool breeze out of the north, listening to Diane Arkenstone on continuous play, and trying to photograph the elusive hummingbirds whose call I frequently hear but who don't make a showing until after I've put my camera away. I got a surprise visit from an American Goldfinch and watched a Downy Woodpecker for quite some time. Got a shot of the woodpecker. I also noticed that a pair of Mourning Doves are nesting in a nearby tree and that the male house Finches are still posturing.
In the meantime, the loopiness never subsided. Mom showed up around 6 pm, and while I was showing her what I'd planted recently, I nearly collapsed in the heat. I had been trying to improve my water intake (all my blood tests show me as dehydrated), but it appears that the Gabitril makes me really sensitive to heat and dehydration. After I drank a ton of water and ate some of the magnificent cherries mom brought me, we went out to eat at Ruby Tuesday's (great top sirloin) and to see Spiderman 2. I liked it all right (sorry, Narcissam). But just as in the first Spiderman and Seabiscuit, I was continually distracted by the crook-shaped scar on Tobey McGuire's right cheek. Can't the make-up people fill that thing in?
I've been spending the night on the mattress every night since then and most of every day. I took only 2 pills on Saturday night because I had to play the piano for Primary from 12-2pm. I walked to church because I was still feeling a little loopy and shouldn't be trusted with a car yet. The next night I took 3 pills, and last night I took 4 again. I was about 80% as loopy today as on Saturday. Yesterday, I was about 50% as loopy, so I decided to drive to Subway to get a sammich. Bad idea. I was halfway down the wrong road before I realized that I wasn't heading toward Subway at all. I didn't wreck; I probably should have.
So today's plans to go to the laundromat got cancelled. However, I was haunted all day by the idea that I needed to go somewhere, but I couldn't remember where nor could I remember that I had decided not to go. I also jumped into a 14-post pendings queue and discovered that I had a hard time keeping things straight. Fortunately, Ali jumped in at about the same time, so I didn't have to do them all. I'm lucky I didn't send admonitions to the main list instead of the listies. Then again, maybe I did and I just can't tell. I'm definitely in no shape to work.
Tomorrow, I have to drive to my shrink's office. I'll take maybe one pill tonight, one in the morning, and hope that I'm clear enough to drive. There is a bus that goes near there, so I guess I'll have to resort to that if I'm totally unbalanced.
And the fun part is that the mattress has a slow leak. I have no idea where, and I don't have the strength to go looking for it. As a result, my back suffers unless the mattress is Well Inflated or in Hammock Mode. It's hard to get out of without killing myself, though. You should see me try to hoist myself into a low-slung lawn chair next to the bed; it's even money that I'll tip over the chair in a moment worthy of America's Stupidest Videos of People Falling Over; You Can See From A Mile Away What's Is Going To Happen So It's Not Funny Anymore. I also have to sleep on top of my sleeping bag because large air mattresses have the infelicitous tenency to Suck The Warmth From Your Body Like Any Random Dementor. But I do manage to sleep well (though I don't seem to be logging any good time on the CPAP), and I wake up when the sun rises at 6am, which is the only time the sun directly hits the mattress.
2004-06-28
Mon
0100: Computer off, Watch TV
0200: Drink hot cocoa, read Monte Cristo
0235: Take 8 mg Gabitril, resume reading
0330: Retire with Breeze; sleep on stomach
0600: Pop off mask, resume sleep
1330: Arise, eat frosted mini wheats
1445: Take meds, no Provigil, (125 µg Synthroid)
1500: Doze on couch with CD
1540: Loll on air mattress during thunderstorm, attempt to doze
1710: Arise, wander around in rain, turn on water for lawn
1750: Make & eat arepas with cheese, cherries
2010: Eat two corn dogs, rest of cherries, 10 oz grapefruit juice
2200: Putz around on computer
CPAP: 2.5
Non-CPAP: 6
Alertness: 4
Mood: 5
Fatigue: 7
Putz Factor: 6
2004-06-29
Tue
0100: Turn off computer; take shower
0140: Take 8 mg Gabitril
0150 : Read Monte Cristo
0235: Drink 6 oz chocolate milk; retire with Breeze
0325: Give up on CPAP, machine off
0405: Eat sugar-free yogurt, not having slept
0715: Awaken to alarm
0745: Arise, eat Malt-O-Meal, take meds (125 µg Synthroid)
0810: Drive to Potter's office
0945: Go to Lowe's, buy T & straight connectors, Soil Pep, sand
1030: Go to Smith's, buy milk et al.
1110: Return home, eat 3 dinner rolls & 8 oz milk, fax thinger to GE
1230: Attempt nap on couch; fail
1400: Yard work: plant oenotheras, penstemons, cactus, hollyhocks, delphiniums
1730: Collapse on couch
1800: Putz around on computer
CPAP: 0
Non-CPAP: 3
Alertness: 4
Mood: 5
Fatigue: 5
Putz Factor: 6
2004-06-30
Wed
0130: Computer off, take shower
0150: Take 8 mg Gabitril
0205: Read Monte Cristo, fend off affectionate cat
0250: Retire with Breeze
0415: Pop off mask
1100: Awaken to answer door, go back to bed
1420: Arise, eat 3 dinner rolls, 2 Krispy Kremes, grapefruit juice, take meds (100 mg Provigil, no Synthroid), loll on couch
1600: Go deposit check, pick up Ambien (note to self: try again for Syn after scanning it)
1640: Get on computer, open Olympus scanner, discover that AC cord is missing. Plow through a mess o' pendings
1745: Plant verbascum, hollyhock, carnations, oenotherums, sedums
2145: Turn on computer, plow thru an even bigger mess o' pendings
CPAP: 2.4
Non-CPAP: 6.75, 4.2
Alertness: 3
Mood: 5
Fatigue: 5
Putz Factor: 4
2004-07-01
Thu
0330: Turn off computer, take shower, read Monte Cristo, take 5 mg Ambien
0430: Take 8 mg Gabitril, retire with Breeze
0825: Pop off mask (3.9), resume sleep
1330: Arise, take meds (125 µg Synthroid, 8 mg Gabitril, 200 mg Provigil), eat frosted mini-wheats
1400: Receive VTs (which is why I got up when I did)
1440: Watch TV; feel dizzy from the Gabitril, do xwords
1530: Computer on; putz around, edit that guy's article
2020: Get off computer to watch CSI; eat can of Bush's baked beans
2100: Resume computer stuff
2310: Do a crap-load of pendings
2345: Take away Smartone's posting privileges
CPAP: 3.9
Non-CPAP: 5
Alertness: 3
Mood: 5
Fatigue: 6
Putz Factor: 8
2004-07-02
Fri
0200: Finally log off computer
0205: Make and eat 3 arepas with cheese, load DW
0230: Take 12 mg Gabitril, 5 mg Ambien
0245: Read Monte Cristo
0330: Retire w/Breeze
0520: Pop off mask, resume sieep
1000: Awaken to doorbell, take meds (125 µg Synthroid, 0 Gabitril [out]) with 4 oz "Mt Dew"
1100: Computer on, Big Putz
1515: Watch Dr. Phil, eat handful of grapes, do xwords
1600: Attempt to nap during Wimbledon, field 2 calls from MaMa
1700: Go to pharmacy, wait forever (long line)
1830: Return home, eat KFC, taters & gravy, biscuit & honey, root beer, 3 ding-dongs, handful of grapes
1900: Joan of Arcadia
2000: Water lawn, plant carex, potentilla, agastache, sedum
2210: Go inside, watch news, Seinfeld
2300: Back on computer
CPAP: 1.7
Non-CPAP: 5.2
Alertness: 4
Mood: 6
Fatigue: 8
Putz Factor:
2004-07-03
Sat
0030: Take shower
0130: Take 16 mg Gabitril
0305: Retire with Breeze (forget to set alarm)
0550: Pop off mask
0715: Arise (bladder), feel dizzy, call Mom & cancel parade meet-up, take meds
0830: Go to neighborhood breakfast in a daze, eat 2 pancakes, 1 waffle, eggs, bacon, sausages, watermelon, hash browns, milk
0850: Return home, drag air mattress outside along with blankets, stereo, fan, tunes, grapes, etc. Conti.
0910: Collapse on mattress, loll about, drifting in and out of consciousness, while listening to Diane Arkenstone on continuous play
1600: Mom calls, arranges to come up
1615: Do some birdwatching, see hummers, woodpecker; saw goldfinch earlier, eat 2 ding-dongs, grapes, lots of water
1800: Mom arrives, brings cherries (which I eat), we go to Ruby Tuesday's, eat salad (hard-boiled egg, beets, carrots, cheese, ham, poppy-seed french), baked tater with butter, snow peas, 8 oz sirloin
2010: Go see Spiderman 2, wooze begins to wear off, so I can comprehend it. Good flick.
2245: Return home, take 8 mg Gabitril, 5 mg Ambien, take shower, haul CPAP outside
2315: Retire with Breeze
CPAP:
Non-CPAP:
Alertness: 1
Mood: 8
Fatigue: 9
Putz Factor: n/a