Jim
So, my friend Jim had a stroke three days ago, and then was finally pronounced dead (as in his brain has stopped functioning) today.
I can't believe how upset I am over this. Or maybe I can, I don't know. I dealt with it okay, and then today, basically, checking the facebook group for him obsessively, and I guess it was just really, really obvious to me as of this morning that he wasn't going to make it.
I feel like I've been crying all day. I haven't actually, but since my family spent most of today driving up to tahoe for our summer vacation thing, I had little else to do but obsessively read the facebook group, stew, and cry. I finally really broke down tonight, once we had checked in and grocery shopped and made dinner and I guess I had time to. I'm just so glad my mom helped me through it, and my sister during the car ride.
I guess I am just having a hard time accepting it. The finality of it is overwhelming. I did spend easily a good chunk of today happily chatting with my sister, but then it comes back and it's like a cloud over my head, and an almost immediate mood change. I just want the pain to stop.
I will post more tomorrow, maybe. I really want to write a remembrance thing for facebook. But right now, and today I am hung up over two things:
1. I haven't seen him in four months, and I don't think I've talked to him for a couple. He invited me to a couple improv shows (or of similar ilk) this quarter, and I turned them down b/c I wanted to focus on school and it's a long time and money to drive up to LA, so I try to limit those trips too much. If I had known. Ugh, I just. I feel guilty even though I know I shouldn't. And I said this b/c I was hoping we would meet up at comic con. And I was going to ask if he wanted to stay at my apartment again like last year during the con.
2. He only just graduated, at the end of winter quarter last year. I remember being in the lab, and helping him a bit in his last two quarters at UCSD. He didn't like computer science, he wasn't much good at it, and he didn't want to do it as a job besides. But he felt like he had to finish, so he spent all those years on it. He spent the last few years of his life doing something that wasn't all that fulfilling to him, and that bugs me a lot. I know there are so many things he is talented at and good at, and he had touched and helped so many people, and that's what his last years should have been all full of. But I guess I wouldn't have met him if that were the case, either.
I can't believe how upset I am over this. Or maybe I can, I don't know. I dealt with it okay, and then today, basically, checking the facebook group for him obsessively, and I guess it was just really, really obvious to me as of this morning that he wasn't going to make it.
I feel like I've been crying all day. I haven't actually, but since my family spent most of today driving up to tahoe for our summer vacation thing, I had little else to do but obsessively read the facebook group, stew, and cry. I finally really broke down tonight, once we had checked in and grocery shopped and made dinner and I guess I had time to. I'm just so glad my mom helped me through it, and my sister during the car ride.
I guess I am just having a hard time accepting it. The finality of it is overwhelming. I did spend easily a good chunk of today happily chatting with my sister, but then it comes back and it's like a cloud over my head, and an almost immediate mood change. I just want the pain to stop.
I will post more tomorrow, maybe. I really want to write a remembrance thing for facebook. But right now, and today I am hung up over two things:
1. I haven't seen him in four months, and I don't think I've talked to him for a couple. He invited me to a couple improv shows (or of similar ilk) this quarter, and I turned them down b/c I wanted to focus on school and it's a long time and money to drive up to LA, so I try to limit those trips too much. If I had known. Ugh, I just. I feel guilty even though I know I shouldn't. And I said this b/c I was hoping we would meet up at comic con. And I was going to ask if he wanted to stay at my apartment again like last year during the con.
2. He only just graduated, at the end of winter quarter last year. I remember being in the lab, and helping him a bit in his last two quarters at UCSD. He didn't like computer science, he wasn't much good at it, and he didn't want to do it as a job besides. But he felt like he had to finish, so he spent all those years on it. He spent the last few years of his life doing something that wasn't all that fulfilling to him, and that bugs me a lot. I know there are so many things he is talented at and good at, and he had touched and helped so many people, and that's what his last years should have been all full of. But I guess I wouldn't have met him if that were the case, either.