Secret Feelings
Everyone has their secrets, so I'll share my real feelings this time. I've been flirting with this girl. She's a friend of mine that I only recently started to get to know. I'll call her BitterSweet for now. So BitterSweet and I seem to be really hitting it off well. Thing is it's a totally physical relationship. If we're not touching each other, we just can't seem to make sense with each other. I almost had sex with this girl on one occasion. That point before clothes start coming off...
But I don't feel that resonance with her at all. If anything it's sort of a lack of resonance. When I'm with her I'm in complete control. I decide where we go and what we do. But I don't feel that resonance. That urge to better myself. To become a better person.
Then I had a dream last night and realized I was just really lonely. And what I felt towards her was more of a big brother feeling. A protective playfulness.
And that I still really like Yuki... maybe even more. I think I might love this kid, but I don't want to say that. I don't know him enough to say things like that. How can I love a person I don't even know, but I think I do. But let's not admit to the crime till the jury comes back.
Haha, I woke up one morning and looked over to the other side of my bed. I have a queen size so it's a little big for just me even if I do sprawl out on it. I felt really sad seeing it not filled by the person I like. I guess that's just how I am. When I like someone, I wish I could just lay down with that person. Take a deep look into their eyes or at his/her sleeping face and smile at how content I am. Just thinking about how lucky I am to be able to be so happy.
But hey just because I'm lonely and I like him doesn't mean I should try and fill it with anything right?
My meditation retreat is coming up, and I know it's irrational of me to hope for him to be there . It doesn't change the fact that I'm holding on to some small hope that he'll come back early and be my bunk mate. So that I could tell him.
But I don't feel that resonance with her at all. If anything it's sort of a lack of resonance. When I'm with her I'm in complete control. I decide where we go and what we do. But I don't feel that resonance. That urge to better myself. To become a better person.
Then I had a dream last night and realized I was just really lonely. And what I felt towards her was more of a big brother feeling. A protective playfulness.
And that I still really like Yuki... maybe even more. I think I might love this kid, but I don't want to say that. I don't know him enough to say things like that. How can I love a person I don't even know, but I think I do. But let's not admit to the crime till the jury comes back.
Haha, I woke up one morning and looked over to the other side of my bed. I have a queen size so it's a little big for just me even if I do sprawl out on it. I felt really sad seeing it not filled by the person I like. I guess that's just how I am. When I like someone, I wish I could just lay down with that person. Take a deep look into their eyes or at his/her sleeping face and smile at how content I am. Just thinking about how lucky I am to be able to be so happy.
But hey just because I'm lonely and I like him doesn't mean I should try and fill it with anything right?
My meditation retreat is coming up, and I know it's irrational of me to hope for him to be there . It doesn't change the fact that I'm holding on to some small hope that he'll come back early and be my bunk mate. So that I could tell him.