Hollow Point
Everything started so well.
I've never had a 24 hour period go so badly in my life. I'm 20 years old, and feel like I'm absolutely worthless. my grades are still high my my enthusiasm and work i do is slipping. My boyfriend broke up with me, my physical pain is worsening, and I just have no motivation anymore.
I disgust him. Twice. I've never felt so dirty, so hurt. I'm tired of crying over someone who hates me so much. Tired of wishing he'd call back and stop hanging up on me because I can't call him back. Tired of feeling like everything is my fault that went wrong. I'm honest, he's pissed. I hold back, he's pissed. I wanted nothing more than to just be with him and go about my merry way, but oh no that's too logical, too difficult.
He just wants a reason to hate me. I know it. I just wanted us to stop forcing everything, and it was working. Then I got scared. new pills, body all fucked up. suddenly period week comes, period doesnt. I don't notice it until thursday night/friday, because thats when I panic. My family who was visiting left back to PA, and there I sat freaking out. So i walk, fucking cold and raining of course, my luck, to the store, and finally get an EPT. Walk back home to find messages from the boyfriend flipping out and saying he doesnt want me around anymore because he thought i was avoiding or ignoring him. Five minutes later, it's negative, and I'm frantically trying to get him back on the phone to listen to what's been in my head.
We break up. I feel nothing now. I cried more tears, I felt pain, I felt like nothing was worth it anymore, that I'm just stuckat being not good enough, back to square one since I left justin, always being the girl who could have been wonderful but there were too many problems. Nice isn't it. Severl more calls ensues cursing and apologizing and more arguing and so on, and it's just a fucking mess. Once upon a time, things were fantastic, we made amazing friends. Pity he's taking that away, it was one of the best things to happen to me.
So I move on. Where to? don't know. Every fucking thing I do reminds me of him, from my clothes to things in my room to pictures and even my phone in my room. All him, yet I won't get rid of it, I'll just stare at it and wonder what could be today if things had gone differently, like I always do.
My schoolwork will probably get better, because now I really have no reason to be at home, I have no one left to call me often that I want to be home for when the phone rings. I don't even want to answer the phone or the door. I want to go to class and be invisible, just get through the day and sleep. At least while I'm sleeping I'm constantly doing insane things in dreams. Jesse was it since just after new years. I changed so much since him, yet not many people notice it. So I'll probably backslide, because again I'm alone, and this time I don't want to grasp out at things, I want to be left alone, I'm tired of being hurt by anything I give way to. Maybe one day I'll get to see him again, and maybe he'll be happier, and doing better, and it wont be because of me, it will be because of him. That makes me happy I suppose, knowing I was in someones life and they're still doing good. How will I be doing? not sure.
At the moment I feel completely numb, but I know when I wake up tomorrow and no matter what I do my phone will stay silent and no messages will be on it, I will break down. I will try to keep so busy it hurts, but eventually I will break down. So help me if I'm alone, I just would like some company.
I don't know where to go from here. I hate where I am and hate that I don't know where I'm going, but no idea how to get off the island I've built.
End time: 12:57AM pst, also known as way too fucking late.
I miss him. Even my fucking tattoo will make me want him, I hate it.
I've never had a 24 hour period go so badly in my life. I'm 20 years old, and feel like I'm absolutely worthless. my grades are still high my my enthusiasm and work i do is slipping. My boyfriend broke up with me, my physical pain is worsening, and I just have no motivation anymore.
I disgust him. Twice. I've never felt so dirty, so hurt. I'm tired of crying over someone who hates me so much. Tired of wishing he'd call back and stop hanging up on me because I can't call him back. Tired of feeling like everything is my fault that went wrong. I'm honest, he's pissed. I hold back, he's pissed. I wanted nothing more than to just be with him and go about my merry way, but oh no that's too logical, too difficult.
He just wants a reason to hate me. I know it. I just wanted us to stop forcing everything, and it was working. Then I got scared. new pills, body all fucked up. suddenly period week comes, period doesnt. I don't notice it until thursday night/friday, because thats when I panic. My family who was visiting left back to PA, and there I sat freaking out. So i walk, fucking cold and raining of course, my luck, to the store, and finally get an EPT. Walk back home to find messages from the boyfriend flipping out and saying he doesnt want me around anymore because he thought i was avoiding or ignoring him. Five minutes later, it's negative, and I'm frantically trying to get him back on the phone to listen to what's been in my head.
We break up. I feel nothing now. I cried more tears, I felt pain, I felt like nothing was worth it anymore, that I'm just stuckat being not good enough, back to square one since I left justin, always being the girl who could have been wonderful but there were too many problems. Nice isn't it. Severl more calls ensues cursing and apologizing and more arguing and so on, and it's just a fucking mess. Once upon a time, things were fantastic, we made amazing friends. Pity he's taking that away, it was one of the best things to happen to me.
So I move on. Where to? don't know. Every fucking thing I do reminds me of him, from my clothes to things in my room to pictures and even my phone in my room. All him, yet I won't get rid of it, I'll just stare at it and wonder what could be today if things had gone differently, like I always do.
My schoolwork will probably get better, because now I really have no reason to be at home, I have no one left to call me often that I want to be home for when the phone rings. I don't even want to answer the phone or the door. I want to go to class and be invisible, just get through the day and sleep. At least while I'm sleeping I'm constantly doing insane things in dreams. Jesse was it since just after new years. I changed so much since him, yet not many people notice it. So I'll probably backslide, because again I'm alone, and this time I don't want to grasp out at things, I want to be left alone, I'm tired of being hurt by anything I give way to. Maybe one day I'll get to see him again, and maybe he'll be happier, and doing better, and it wont be because of me, it will be because of him. That makes me happy I suppose, knowing I was in someones life and they're still doing good. How will I be doing? not sure.
At the moment I feel completely numb, but I know when I wake up tomorrow and no matter what I do my phone will stay silent and no messages will be on it, I will break down. I will try to keep so busy it hurts, but eventually I will break down. So help me if I'm alone, I just would like some company.
I don't know where to go from here. I hate where I am and hate that I don't know where I'm going, but no idea how to get off the island I've built.
End time: 12:57AM pst, also known as way too fucking late.
I miss him. Even my fucking tattoo will make me want him, I hate it.