(no subject)
also, i've been pretty depressed the last few days. no damn good reason, well, my entire exsistance is a joke as it is, but nothing in paticular triggered it. i just... don't want to do anything. i'm so sick of sewing. i liked when it was a hobby, but now that i HAVE TO DO IT TO MAKE ENDS MEET, i loathe it. i loathe that i work my ass off for so very little.
same with this while DSS situation: i've worked my ass off, for nothing. they're not doing what they're supposed to and we're getting punished for it. i've jumped through all my hopps, and then some... but somehow i'm non-compliant with my 'service plan'. because they don't have a copy of my psyche eval. that was done in September. which is IN COURT AS WE SPEAK, locked up somewhere where no one is allowed to have access to it. TOTALLY MY FAULT YES?
there was an 'independant expert' and he reccomends that one child be placed in permanaent adoption and to send the other to a RESIDENTIAL FACILITY because they can't comtrol his behaviour. which is controlled now, all it took was ONE FOSTER MOTHER THAT CARED ENOUGH TO PUT HER FOOT DOWN AND SET BOUNDERIES. but somehow, too little, too late.
i hate being broke all the fucking time. i'm sick of being broke on payday. i don't even look forward to getting paid anymore... because i know EVERY LAST CENT GOES TO BILLS. because i have to beg my mommy and daddy for monies to buy tampons and fucking sponges and shampoo and toilet paper.
I'M ALMOST THIRTY AND I NEED MY MOMMY AND DADDY TO BUY ME SHIT BECAUSE I'M TOO MUCH OF A FAILURE TO SUPPORT MYSELF inside this fucking two bedroom apartment that i'm forced to keep if i want my kids back that i won't be getting back anyway BECAUSE I'M SUFFOCATING IN ALL THIS RED TAPE I'M BEING WRAPPED IN.
i've made an appointment to actually see a doctor about my back. plus my hip, which starting in the fall, where i got this sharp pain. it felt like all i had to do was crack my hip. and i thought i did... but it came back. it feels like the nerve is pinched in there, and sometimes when i take a step i get this INSANE FUCKING PAIN in my hip. but, i'm not holding my breath. i'm expecting to be told to go on a diet and shoved out the door.
which reminds me of my mother, and her near-constant reminder that i could always just severely modify my already-compromised digestive system into a form which will allow me to eat... well, i'd eat prolly THE SAME AMOUNT OF FOOD ANYWAY BECAUSE I DON'T EAT THAT MUCH YOU STUPID WOMAN and i can't just push a button to make myself into a shape everyone finds acceptable. i walk, i lift, i don't evereat, i don't eat junk. WHY SHOULD I BE PUNISHED BY HAVING DANGEROUS SURGURY, which by the way, made my mother NOT ONE BIT HEALTHIER.
and you know something? my arms feel tighter, my thighs don't seem to rub together as much... but i need an even bigger size of pants because my stomach is a massive blob of flesh. MUST BE BECAUSE I'M DEFECTIVE.
one of the neighbours has a really fat little girl. and i feel so bad because i know the mother gets shit on for it. though, the girl's parents are both pretty big, not massive, but these things get passed on in the genetic code. they say it doesn't, but IT'S SO OBVIOUS THAT I WANT TO TEAR OUT THE EYES of the so-called SCIENTISTS that determin this stuff. i mean, i got harassed by the pediatrition because my son's height was at 98% and his weight was at 100% and how i need to change the way he eats because i'm obviously failing as a parent because my son HAS MY GENES.
visits with the kids are usually Mondays. well... holiday, if anyone remembers. something about memorials. but anyway. no one bothered to tell me when the appointment was rescheduled for. i had to call Dave, called in the AM. he calls me back like, two-thirty in the afternoon telling me it's today. then i got into trying to find the kids' birth certificates and Dave says "don't you think you should get going?" and i looked at the clock and i went HOLY FUCK. and i rushed like an ass to get dressed and readuy and practiclly ran down there. and i was late. the second time i've ever been late in the year and a half i've been lucky enough to see my kids for an hour a week.
my kids are awesome btw. too bad they'll always be fucked up because of their genetic code, oh and what the department has done to them. they've been abused more by the system in a year and a half than i could do in a fucking lifetime.
REMEMBER, I'M THE BAD GUY.
same with this while DSS situation: i've worked my ass off, for nothing. they're not doing what they're supposed to and we're getting punished for it. i've jumped through all my hopps, and then some... but somehow i'm non-compliant with my 'service plan'. because they don't have a copy of my psyche eval. that was done in September. which is IN COURT AS WE SPEAK, locked up somewhere where no one is allowed to have access to it. TOTALLY MY FAULT YES?
there was an 'independant expert' and he reccomends that one child be placed in permanaent adoption and to send the other to a RESIDENTIAL FACILITY because they can't comtrol his behaviour. which is controlled now, all it took was ONE FOSTER MOTHER THAT CARED ENOUGH TO PUT HER FOOT DOWN AND SET BOUNDERIES. but somehow, too little, too late.
i hate being broke all the fucking time. i'm sick of being broke on payday. i don't even look forward to getting paid anymore... because i know EVERY LAST CENT GOES TO BILLS. because i have to beg my mommy and daddy for monies to buy tampons and fucking sponges and shampoo and toilet paper.
I'M ALMOST THIRTY AND I NEED MY MOMMY AND DADDY TO BUY ME SHIT BECAUSE I'M TOO MUCH OF A FAILURE TO SUPPORT MYSELF inside this fucking two bedroom apartment that i'm forced to keep if i want my kids back that i won't be getting back anyway BECAUSE I'M SUFFOCATING IN ALL THIS RED TAPE I'M BEING WRAPPED IN.
i've made an appointment to actually see a doctor about my back. plus my hip, which starting in the fall, where i got this sharp pain. it felt like all i had to do was crack my hip. and i thought i did... but it came back. it feels like the nerve is pinched in there, and sometimes when i take a step i get this INSANE FUCKING PAIN in my hip. but, i'm not holding my breath. i'm expecting to be told to go on a diet and shoved out the door.
which reminds me of my mother, and her near-constant reminder that i could always just severely modify my already-compromised digestive system into a form which will allow me to eat... well, i'd eat prolly THE SAME AMOUNT OF FOOD ANYWAY BECAUSE I DON'T EAT THAT MUCH YOU STUPID WOMAN and i can't just push a button to make myself into a shape everyone finds acceptable. i walk, i lift, i don't evereat, i don't eat junk. WHY SHOULD I BE PUNISHED BY HAVING DANGEROUS SURGURY, which by the way, made my mother NOT ONE BIT HEALTHIER.
and you know something? my arms feel tighter, my thighs don't seem to rub together as much... but i need an even bigger size of pants because my stomach is a massive blob of flesh. MUST BE BECAUSE I'M DEFECTIVE.
one of the neighbours has a really fat little girl. and i feel so bad because i know the mother gets shit on for it. though, the girl's parents are both pretty big, not massive, but these things get passed on in the genetic code. they say it doesn't, but IT'S SO OBVIOUS THAT I WANT TO TEAR OUT THE EYES of the so-called SCIENTISTS that determin this stuff. i mean, i got harassed by the pediatrition because my son's height was at 98% and his weight was at 100% and how i need to change the way he eats because i'm obviously failing as a parent because my son HAS MY GENES.
visits with the kids are usually Mondays. well... holiday, if anyone remembers. something about memorials. but anyway. no one bothered to tell me when the appointment was rescheduled for. i had to call Dave, called in the AM. he calls me back like, two-thirty in the afternoon telling me it's today. then i got into trying to find the kids' birth certificates and Dave says "don't you think you should get going?" and i looked at the clock and i went HOLY FUCK. and i rushed like an ass to get dressed and readuy and practiclly ran down there. and i was late. the second time i've ever been late in the year and a half i've been lucky enough to see my kids for an hour a week.
my kids are awesome btw. too bad they'll always be fucked up because of their genetic code, oh and what the department has done to them. they've been abused more by the system in a year and a half than i could do in a fucking lifetime.
REMEMBER, I'M THE BAD GUY.