A look at the cards... (Dear Diary)
[entry code: Dear Diary]
Sorry for my neglect.
Today I taught another student the two-player card game Speed. It'd be pretty awesome if it were to catch on...though it seems that the kids are unfamiliar with Jacks, Queens, and Kings, so I'm betting their equally unfamiliar with how to get a deck for any quick games. Its probably for the best. Cards are more associated with gambling here. Its why I choose Speed over a game that has more obvious gambling ties.
Anyway, the title of this entry refers to Tarot, not Playing. I am way out of practice, but I let slip that I've read tarot in the past, and was persuaded to read once...and then once again, for the spectator that happened to be there. It was not a good read - I feel like I got maybe three glimpses into anything with real depth that whole night; everything else seemed much more akin to free association ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Free_association_(psychology) ).
Now, even those "free association" moments aren't REALLY free association (I don't think). The best way to describe it is as 'an inkling,' like I might have some idea of what's going on about something, but its all very vague and unconnected. Then, I take this abstract, hard-to-place feeling/idea/thought and I try to pick out words for it that best express that feeling. If I were braver with my assertions I'm sure it'd make for a more impressive read...but generally the strongest read for me is on emotion, and not on materials; I rarely pick up more then a couple individuals within the read, and usually my ranges are 0.5 to 5.0 years.
Those few times I pick up something "of more depth," that's when I get a sort of image with the concept - and incidentally, that abstract, hard-to-place concept tends to be more fleshed out. When I say that I have three of those that aforementioned evening, I only mean that I just barely approached that sort of experience...three times.
It was a bit frustrating.
But its enough encourage more practice.
I feel that reading the self is much less a practice of getting any useful readings then it is about interpreting the cards, but I'm gonna give it a shot here anyway, to help me give an update. Perhaps what I talk of next will give you some insight as to why I haven't felt so inclined to write?
Money: King of Pentacles, inverted.
Job: The Hanged Man, inverted.
Friends: The Ten of Cups, inverted.
Relationship: Knight of Swords, inverted.
Health/Personal: The Hermit, inverted.
Hm. What I find interesting is that most of these are inverted...and I'm quite sure they're all inverted for pretty negative reasons. The one that is right-side-up is, I believe, due to the current state of change that my job-place is in right now. And, while the card is not inverted, ...oh shoot! Lol...well, the card IS inverted, but I didn't see it at the time due to the man in the card now being right-side-up. Here, take a look for yourself: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Hanged_Man_(tarot_card)
Also, its interesting to note that I have a general idea of the meaning of all five cards...more interestingly, this is is often the case of all or all-but-one of the cards in every spread I read. And, to clue you in, this is because I have not yet learned every card in the deck. I think I know about two-thirds, which means of a five card spread, I'm likely to have one I don't know; and if I use my normal celtic-cross spread, shouldn't I have, on average, three unknowns?
Okay, back to the reading.
Money: King of Pentacles, inverted. This is me. I'm a little surprised this is the king, but looking at my current situation, I suppose its fair. I have few financial obligations, and the big one (REALLY big), is historically pretty easy-going and flexible: student loans. At least, this is the impression that I get. When I learned that I'd been fined for not starting to pay them off (I had been deferring them, and then I mixed up the month that the deferment postponed my first pay to), I called them up via Skype. Yes, I called up my student loans; turns out my bills are rather chatty. And reasonable. I don't make enough to pay off the monthly amount that I'm SUPPOSED to, so they gave me a new monthly fee. Temporarily, of course. Now I can earn my 2.2 mil won per month, spend the minimum on food 'cept a few times a week when I actually go eat WITH someone, spend the $20 both-ways for Seoul a couple times a month, and...I don't know, $100 for those random expenditures (not each - per month)? In truth, my best control for my budget is not worrying about all those things everyone else worries about: new shoes, new gadgets, etc. I still buy those things, but I don't think I buy them nearly as frequently, and I don't have particular category that becomes my "vice."
See, the King represents a sort of active, externally-directed control, and the pentacles tends to represent a state of stability and, as is most-likely its meaning in this reading, money. And I have a relatively good handle on my income and my budget, despite the questionable laxness my boss tends to have with paydays and with some of the bills. And I have the emotional maturity and where-withal to exercise this control to its potential. But I don't. Because I DO have a category-of-weakness when it comes to expenditure - its just not material. Its Code-Name: Fox. And no, its not because I buy him stuff all the time...I'm not the sort to spoil, quite. Its more because I don't really care about spending money, and if it suits the situation we're in, then why not? Where as if I were by myself or just with friends, well...I'd have saved enough for a car for when I go back home by now, I think. I don't believe the inversion of the card is just about Code-Name: Fox, though - I have the potential to really take advantage of my money-situation right now, but something is inhibiting me...I'm pretty sure that "something" is me.
Job: The Hanged Man, inverted. I generally read this card (when it's upside-up, at any rate) as the situation in question being turned on its head. And, of the five cards here, I read this one to be much less an internal issue than an external one. And, it may be prescient (...huh, I never thought I'd use that word quite so literally). I heard TODAY that the vice-principal (or more accurately, the assistant to the wonjang-nim, our hagwon's principal) is "retiring" by the end of the month. And moving out of the city. For a Korean to move is relatively rare (side note: if a Korean tells you that their family lives "far away," they may very well mean thirty minutes; people tend to stay near their families and near their homes). And the OTHER big change is my co-teacher, who has promised me that she's quitting. She told me this while we were arguing...twice, I think. And by text message. If she hadn't told me twice AND by text-message, I'd think she was just trying to be petty, without backing it up... I don't like her at the moment anyway (I won't say DISlike, but I'm not fond of her anymore, definitely). Oh, well, so then here's the story in a nutshell (editing note: It WAS going to be a nutshell, despite my earlier promise to be thorough...but I actually WAS thorough):
At the end of February, everyone graduates their current grade level and prepares for the next year. For us, the "graduation" coincided with the Talent Show (which, due to my co-worker's disregard for my feelings, and Korean-bound need to blame anything on everyone else rather than bite her tongue ...seriously, I actually SAID "please don't say anything - I know I'm being silly, but its just as a wannabe writer and co-teacher, I feel hurt and a little angry that you didn't even let me know that you deleted and replaced my script and didn't talk to me about it). I compartmentalized all my frustrations with this co-teacher as being part of the Talent Show...the caps, by the way, are because I tend to think of the name of our school's talent show event as the "Talent Show," and for almost two whole months I was saying "I hate the Talent Show" an average of once a day.
Seriously, it REALLY sucked. Just to name a few problems: all my lessons became "practice for the talent show," there were new changes and additions to the show at least once every week (including several the week OF), our daily schedules were changed and me and the fellow foreign teacher were often not notified until the morning of, and quite regularly I'd have to tail another teacher and wait for any instructions on when I was supposed to jump in and "do something."
I bring up the last "problem" because, AFTER this whole torture had ended, we come in on a Monday or Thursday or something (there were some days off and days just-for-planning, but I don't recall what's where's when), we get a whole new batch of kids. And no schedule. I am asked to sit in my co-teacher's class and "help."
And she has no plans either, but to keep them occupied with worksheets and to give the new kids English names.
I lose my temper twice. The first time is quite brief, and I don't think I actually raised my voice - and I definitely didn't get angry at her (when she asked me what was wrong, I said I was frustrated). The second time I did raise my voice, but I left the room while doing so, looking for scratch-paper. See, both times (and the reason for the escalation) were because she'd asked them to draw and color, and I was just supposed to sit there, watch, and wait. I prefer to draw with the kids. It facilitates interaction and discussion...especially when the don't understand English. And I can draw while she's rambling away in Korean, too. Only, both times that I want to draw, I pick a paper from the pile she's set aside for the kids, and she only has "just enough." Fine, the first pile was on her desk and while it looked like scratch-paper to me, it makes a ton of sense that it's actually hers. The second pile was from the computer-room, in which there is generally a stack of scratch paper specifically for this purpose - I didn't see the pile where I'd normally find it, but there was one right next to the main computer's monitor...which was her pile of paper. And to reiterate, it makes sense that this was her pile of paper. To be honest, I'm a little irritated that she uses so many of these busy-work worksheets (they are almost never educationally used), but at the time I was just frustrated by the situation, not her.
I mention this because, although she may never have looked at me the same again, she may have understood my position when she came into the classroom some ten-twenty minutes later (she'd left for some random reason, a good deal after I'd calmed down and found paper that I KNEW wasn't hers, and had almost finished a drawing of a western desert) and told me that she didn't like me being angry in her class. And that I had to leave.
Perhaps the wiser move would have been to leave the classroom. But I figure 'screw that': I was perfectly calm and working well with students - and had been for some time now - and she needs me to leave? No. I'm quite sure this is about exerting control on me. Perhaps its not ABOUT me, but about her classroom, but it doesn't matter - I told her no. And I told her calmly. She said that she had to deal with all these new students and I was acting like them, like a new student...and when it got to sound more like a rant that she gives to kids, I asked her to stop and (when she didn't), "oy!"ed her, and told her that she was being inappropriate (I know she doesn't understand the word "inappropriate," but I couldn't help it).
This was rather automatic - when some of the kids aren't paying attention and are breaking a rule, a give a sharp "oy!"; it's definitely not a yell, but its sharp and my voice is raised. It was probably a mistake to use that tone with a teacher, but on the other hand I can't imagine anything else I said would have been better. I could have just left, of course, and I did consider it, but I wasn't going to just stop doing my job because she told me to.
Which gets me to the next problem. See, she asked me, via text-message, to never enter her room again and that she didn't need help. I took it as passive-aggressive...but before I responded I asked my co-worker. My co-worker said that she thought perhaps it was straight-up literal: the co-teacher recognizes I get frustrated and, in situations like that where she had busy work, doesn't need me and doesn't want to bother me. I REALLY couldn't read into the text-message that way, but I decided the best course of action was to at least pretend that's how it was meant and to act as civilly, politely, and nicely (i.e. to still casually say hello as well as work with the co-teacher as a co-teacher*)
[*I should point out now that often "co-teacher" means two teachers are in the classroom at the same time, and they take turns or collaborate in teaching; I don't use the term like that, but to mean that we have the same preschoolers as are students and, while we teach separate classes, we coordinate our efforts]
I did this, and ignored the fact that she was acting moody, sullen, and (to me) cold, for that following Monday. Or I WOULD have, but along with the text she left me some books that I need for one of my classes, a note that said "Keep this book - Don't bring it to me - I don't need it," and a letter that said, with a lot of repetition, that she never wanted to talk to me and that I should never enter her class. The text message at midnight I understand - its hard to take back text messages. The letter with the obvious ranting tone, well...I took it to her directly, kinda slammed it on her desk, and said something like "no, this is inappropriate." I admit I was angry when I made that my first move...though I don't regret the action. I am happy that I didn't raise my voice when I said those words though.
I'm carefully noting how much I lose my temper, by the way, because I AM worried about my control of my temper. But although I was by no means perfect, I don't think I did actually wrong. And, after several days (partly because I could never find a time to talk with her), I calmly approached her when she wasn't busy (she was resting on her desk, so I lightly knocked on her door), and to tell her that I think we needed to try talking to "reconcile" (and I found the Korean word for reconcile), because we had to work together. I asked if she wanted to do so then or later...long story short, THIS time I didn't lose my temper at all...seriously, not even a little angry until well after I left. I don't believe I was condescending or anything either, though I feel it now so I'm having trouble finding the right sorta words to imitate what I actually said to her. I gave her some friendly info about something she was looking for, and gave her a copy of my schedule so she could find a time when we were both available (since it seemed we never had the same free periods), and I used a rather affable tone. REALLY affable, considering who I am (let alone the situation). It makes me proud that I thought the conversation through so well...AND that I took into account that even when you find the best way to handle something, it by no means the result will be rosy.
Because, as you may have guessed, the co-teacher told me during the meeting that she didn't want to talk to me ever and that she was quitting so it wouldn't matter. I feel I dodged that well and gave her an easy out to change her mind (avoiding direct questions, for example, so she wouldn't feel tied to any answers she gave during this "confrontation" - she was acting like a wounded deer). Still, I was furious when she texted me, again late at night, with the same sort of reply - a rambly rant about how she was quitting and still didn't want me to enter her classroom, ever. "Her" classroom...seriously, this wouldn't seem so absurd if half the teachers hadn't had to switch classrooms the week before.
She's acted less passive-aggressive and more courteous recently, but it doesn't matter. I won't forgive her. I've reached this point once before, and that person did come back to me talking about how she missed the old times, and about how we had to see eachother again (ignoring our fallout). I don't get to this point without giving someone an out first, and them not taking it, though (with that other friend/roommate, I'd waited for over a week for her to get over her silent treatment). This time though I don't thinks he will want to be friends with me. I've already "diagnosed" her: she's got a strong tendency to see things as black-or-white. I was "white" before (or "black" I suppose...just traditionally it'd be said as "white") when she'd said that I was "like family!" I'm sure other people talk like that too...but I've had friends I was a lot closer with who would never say such things. I feel that now she's grouped me with all the other "bad" parts about our school, and she won't un-group me from it, so... I was perfect, and now I'm reprehensible. *shrug*
Oi...too long. 'Aight. My point: Every month we got this huge thing, which has a time-line or deadline, that we just have to get past - working extra hours while we wait for the new teacher (to take the place of a teacher that quit - has happened three times), changing schedules constantly, preparing for a Talent Show or making up for the absence of a teacher who took leave...I've long since recognized that although they talk as if we just have to work past this next hurdle for our "break" and "return to normal," that its really just a circuit of hurdles. And March really flipped my schedule in on itself - today I taught until 7:45pm, for example, whereas for the previous 8 months I'd never taught past 6pm - I thought it had said so in my contract, even (work, yes, but no scheduled classes). And my new classroom is too small for my new 7-year-old class - thirteen students and seven chairs. I get to move everything into the library, and then set up all the tables and benches and papers and crayons and pencils and bought-with-my-own-money portable whiteboards so that I can teach class in the way I've been accustomed to. I don't have to use worksheets of course...but they gave me MATH to teach. MATH! Yes. And now, within the next two weeks, two of the most veteran staff here are quitting. So...I anticipate a lot of upheaval. That's my point.
The Hanged Man? He is NOT me. Normally the Hanged Man looks at his situation a "chance" rather than a "death" or "hanging." He's hung by his foot. Its quite possible then I'm looking at this all wrong. I was only miserable for about ten days - at the moment I'm actually okay. But I'm well-aware of the instability around me. I figure the inversion of the card either reflects my relative unwillingness to be wise (or whatever) about this whole thing, or about my current separateness from the whole thing. Its all beyond my control, after all.
Friends: The Ten of Cups, inverted.
When you read cards, one thing you should do is look for patterns...how many (and which) Major Arcana cards (cards like the Hermit and the Hanged Man), a lot of one suit, or a disproportionate amount of royalty. Of the five cards, this card is neither Major Arcana nor royalty...and its the only cup. Its quite fitting though: This card represents a complete set of emotional treasures - basically a 'loving family' of sorts, that supports me and keeps me stable. And, as I've recently discovered after coming here, my friends are what are most important to me. And, I'm well aware that I have few and they are drifting farther and farther away (the ones I have here are pretty awesome, but as my foreign-friend-coworker says, "it makes me sad, but I know I'm not going to talk to anyone here again"). I don't find that texts or messages from the computer help me stay close to anyone, but I probably should try more. And I probably should try to call via Skype when anyone's actually awake. I can't figure out why I have this card at all though, even inverted. It seems too hopeful. Like there's just this little thing that's holding me back from having that perfect little circle of friends.
Relationship: Knight of Swords, inverted. A knight is brash, and a little to energetic with the energies of his suit - in this case, the sword, the symbol of truth and justice. But its inverted. The obvious guess is that its him, Code-Name: Fox. I wouldn't have picked him as the sword-type, but...come to think of it, he doesn't really fit the other suits at all (passionate, emotionally strong, or stable/wealthy?). He tends to act cutesy with me a lot, and I think our time together is a bit taxing for both of us, because it hinges on "what are we going to do?" Which I don't want. I want to just be - not do. Random talk. Occasionally deep sharing. Loving, if possible. But the thing is, as I shared with that foreign coworker friend, I don't really know how relationships go, and I don't know why I feel unsatisfied with this one thus-far or how much of that dissatisfaction is due to my impatience. I always assumed I'd be great with lover-tiffs and such (and I still think I would), but this whole other part, of building a good rewarding relationship, with all those illusory ideas floating in your head amidst the useful ones on what a relationship is and how to have one...well its just so hard!
It'd be easier if we lived in the same city. And if I could just be sure of who Code-Name: Fox is, versus my expectations, hopes, and fears. And similarly, I wish I knew what he saw of me, and what he wants from me. I even asked him...but he only addressed his biggest priority right now: fixing his job-problem. If we were supposed to be in love right now, I'd dump him for pretty much telling me that he can't even consider "me" before he figures out how to get out of his terrible job. But we aren't supposed to be. And I feel like I'm waiting for some certainty on what this relationship really is. ...while all this frustration and concern revolves around truth, it doesn't really explain the Knight nor the inversion...well, the inversion is likely the blocking of energies ...but which energies exactly, why, and why a knight, I don't know.
Physical and Spiritual Health: The Hermit, inverted.
I don't read anything about my physical health really, even though that's what the card was originally supposed to be for...for a long time now I've felt drained of energy, even when determined and out-and-about, like with Code-Name: Fox (I'm pretty sure my constant "I'm tired!" is irritating him, though he's never had anything but a good face for me). As you know, I often get a little sick (and occasionally it becomes more serious), but I've never had to skip work (unfortunately), and it doesn't feel like I will soon. I could be nurturing some debilitating "stress" though, the sort that I have, in previous jobs, turned into physical ailments (two different jobs, I've hated so much that I'd get nauseous that morning...and then the nausea would pass sometimes an hour after I call in sick).
So anyway...the hermit is obvious. And considering the above four cards and my take on those realms of my life, the inversion should be also. I'm well-aware that I have many things to be doing right now, including acquiring some much-needed acceleration in my life (as, before, it was definitely in-the-rut). I have had some good, powerful moments where I felt I had some understanding of where I am and what to do...but I'm not making nearly as much progress as I'd like. And I'm a bit worried that when this working-vacation is over, I'll be back in that rut and only a thousand dollars richer.
Hm...let's pull another card. Can I find the card that tells me why I should have a bit more hope? More optimism and ambition?
...no. I pulled a card, but after looking at it I don't think it's addressing the right problem. Knight of Pentacles, inverted...and the only possible explanation of what or who it is seems to be the opposite of a "reason for (more) hope."
...see, now I think THIS is why I don't write enough. Too often when I do write, what I hope to be a twenty-minute endeavor will take 1.5 hours. And, though I really want to edit my work more, after writing for this long I just don't have the energy to read-and-fix it.
Sorry for my neglect.
Today I taught another student the two-player card game Speed. It'd be pretty awesome if it were to catch on...though it seems that the kids are unfamiliar with Jacks, Queens, and Kings, so I'm betting their equally unfamiliar with how to get a deck for any quick games. Its probably for the best. Cards are more associated with gambling here. Its why I choose Speed over a game that has more obvious gambling ties.
Anyway, the title of this entry refers to Tarot, not Playing. I am way out of practice, but I let slip that I've read tarot in the past, and was persuaded to read once...and then once again, for the spectator that happened to be there. It was not a good read - I feel like I got maybe three glimpses into anything with real depth that whole night; everything else seemed much more akin to free association ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Free_association_(psychology) ).
Now, even those "free association" moments aren't REALLY free association (I don't think). The best way to describe it is as 'an inkling,' like I might have some idea of what's going on about something, but its all very vague and unconnected. Then, I take this abstract, hard-to-place feeling/idea/thought and I try to pick out words for it that best express that feeling. If I were braver with my assertions I'm sure it'd make for a more impressive read...but generally the strongest read for me is on emotion, and not on materials; I rarely pick up more then a couple individuals within the read, and usually my ranges are 0.5 to 5.0 years.
Those few times I pick up something "of more depth," that's when I get a sort of image with the concept - and incidentally, that abstract, hard-to-place concept tends to be more fleshed out. When I say that I have three of those that aforementioned evening, I only mean that I just barely approached that sort of experience...three times.
It was a bit frustrating.
But its enough encourage more practice.
I feel that reading the self is much less a practice of getting any useful readings then it is about interpreting the cards, but I'm gonna give it a shot here anyway, to help me give an update. Perhaps what I talk of next will give you some insight as to why I haven't felt so inclined to write?
Money: King of Pentacles, inverted.
Job: The Hanged Man, inverted.
Friends: The Ten of Cups, inverted.
Relationship: Knight of Swords, inverted.
Health/Personal: The Hermit, inverted.
Hm. What I find interesting is that most of these are inverted...and I'm quite sure they're all inverted for pretty negative reasons. The one that is right-side-up is, I believe, due to the current state of change that my job-place is in right now. And, while the card is not inverted, ...oh shoot! Lol...well, the card IS inverted, but I didn't see it at the time due to the man in the card now being right-side-up. Here, take a look for yourself: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Hanged_Man_(tarot_card)
Also, its interesting to note that I have a general idea of the meaning of all five cards...more interestingly, this is is often the case of all or all-but-one of the cards in every spread I read. And, to clue you in, this is because I have not yet learned every card in the deck. I think I know about two-thirds, which means of a five card spread, I'm likely to have one I don't know; and if I use my normal celtic-cross spread, shouldn't I have, on average, three unknowns?
Okay, back to the reading.
Money: King of Pentacles, inverted. This is me. I'm a little surprised this is the king, but looking at my current situation, I suppose its fair. I have few financial obligations, and the big one (REALLY big), is historically pretty easy-going and flexible: student loans. At least, this is the impression that I get. When I learned that I'd been fined for not starting to pay them off (I had been deferring them, and then I mixed up the month that the deferment postponed my first pay to), I called them up via Skype. Yes, I called up my student loans; turns out my bills are rather chatty. And reasonable. I don't make enough to pay off the monthly amount that I'm SUPPOSED to, so they gave me a new monthly fee. Temporarily, of course. Now I can earn my 2.2 mil won per month, spend the minimum on food 'cept a few times a week when I actually go eat WITH someone, spend the $20 both-ways for Seoul a couple times a month, and...I don't know, $100 for those random expenditures (not each - per month)? In truth, my best control for my budget is not worrying about all those things everyone else worries about: new shoes, new gadgets, etc. I still buy those things, but I don't think I buy them nearly as frequently, and I don't have particular category that becomes my "vice."
See, the King represents a sort of active, externally-directed control, and the pentacles tends to represent a state of stability and, as is most-likely its meaning in this reading, money. And I have a relatively good handle on my income and my budget, despite the questionable laxness my boss tends to have with paydays and with some of the bills. And I have the emotional maturity and where-withal to exercise this control to its potential. But I don't. Because I DO have a category-of-weakness when it comes to expenditure - its just not material. Its Code-Name: Fox. And no, its not because I buy him stuff all the time...I'm not the sort to spoil, quite. Its more because I don't really care about spending money, and if it suits the situation we're in, then why not? Where as if I were by myself or just with friends, well...I'd have saved enough for a car for when I go back home by now, I think. I don't believe the inversion of the card is just about Code-Name: Fox, though - I have the potential to really take advantage of my money-situation right now, but something is inhibiting me...I'm pretty sure that "something" is me.
Job: The Hanged Man, inverted. I generally read this card (when it's upside-up, at any rate) as the situation in question being turned on its head. And, of the five cards here, I read this one to be much less an internal issue than an external one. And, it may be prescient (...huh, I never thought I'd use that word quite so literally). I heard TODAY that the vice-principal (or more accurately, the assistant to the wonjang-nim, our hagwon's principal) is "retiring" by the end of the month. And moving out of the city. For a Korean to move is relatively rare (side note: if a Korean tells you that their family lives "far away," they may very well mean thirty minutes; people tend to stay near their families and near their homes). And the OTHER big change is my co-teacher, who has promised me that she's quitting. She told me this while we were arguing...twice, I think. And by text message. If she hadn't told me twice AND by text-message, I'd think she was just trying to be petty, without backing it up... I don't like her at the moment anyway (I won't say DISlike, but I'm not fond of her anymore, definitely). Oh, well, so then here's the story in a nutshell (editing note: It WAS going to be a nutshell, despite my earlier promise to be thorough...but I actually WAS thorough):
At the end of February, everyone graduates their current grade level and prepares for the next year. For us, the "graduation" coincided with the Talent Show (which, due to my co-worker's disregard for my feelings, and Korean-bound need to blame anything on everyone else rather than bite her tongue ...seriously, I actually SAID "please don't say anything - I know I'm being silly, but its just as a wannabe writer and co-teacher, I feel hurt and a little angry that you didn't even let me know that you deleted and replaced my script and didn't talk to me about it). I compartmentalized all my frustrations with this co-teacher as being part of the Talent Show...the caps, by the way, are because I tend to think of the name of our school's talent show event as the "Talent Show," and for almost two whole months I was saying "I hate the Talent Show" an average of once a day.
Seriously, it REALLY sucked. Just to name a few problems: all my lessons became "practice for the talent show," there were new changes and additions to the show at least once every week (including several the week OF), our daily schedules were changed and me and the fellow foreign teacher were often not notified until the morning of, and quite regularly I'd have to tail another teacher and wait for any instructions on when I was supposed to jump in and "do something."
I bring up the last "problem" because, AFTER this whole torture had ended, we come in on a Monday or Thursday or something (there were some days off and days just-for-planning, but I don't recall what's where's when), we get a whole new batch of kids. And no schedule. I am asked to sit in my co-teacher's class and "help."
And she has no plans either, but to keep them occupied with worksheets and to give the new kids English names.
I lose my temper twice. The first time is quite brief, and I don't think I actually raised my voice - and I definitely didn't get angry at her (when she asked me what was wrong, I said I was frustrated). The second time I did raise my voice, but I left the room while doing so, looking for scratch-paper. See, both times (and the reason for the escalation) were because she'd asked them to draw and color, and I was just supposed to sit there, watch, and wait. I prefer to draw with the kids. It facilitates interaction and discussion...especially when the don't understand English. And I can draw while she's rambling away in Korean, too. Only, both times that I want to draw, I pick a paper from the pile she's set aside for the kids, and she only has "just enough." Fine, the first pile was on her desk and while it looked like scratch-paper to me, it makes a ton of sense that it's actually hers. The second pile was from the computer-room, in which there is generally a stack of scratch paper specifically for this purpose - I didn't see the pile where I'd normally find it, but there was one right next to the main computer's monitor...which was her pile of paper. And to reiterate, it makes sense that this was her pile of paper. To be honest, I'm a little irritated that she uses so many of these busy-work worksheets (they are almost never educationally used), but at the time I was just frustrated by the situation, not her.
I mention this because, although she may never have looked at me the same again, she may have understood my position when she came into the classroom some ten-twenty minutes later (she'd left for some random reason, a good deal after I'd calmed down and found paper that I KNEW wasn't hers, and had almost finished a drawing of a western desert) and told me that she didn't like me being angry in her class. And that I had to leave.
Perhaps the wiser move would have been to leave the classroom. But I figure 'screw that': I was perfectly calm and working well with students - and had been for some time now - and she needs me to leave? No. I'm quite sure this is about exerting control on me. Perhaps its not ABOUT me, but about her classroom, but it doesn't matter - I told her no. And I told her calmly. She said that she had to deal with all these new students and I was acting like them, like a new student...and when it got to sound more like a rant that she gives to kids, I asked her to stop and (when she didn't), "oy!"ed her, and told her that she was being inappropriate (I know she doesn't understand the word "inappropriate," but I couldn't help it).
This was rather automatic - when some of the kids aren't paying attention and are breaking a rule, a give a sharp "oy!"; it's definitely not a yell, but its sharp and my voice is raised. It was probably a mistake to use that tone with a teacher, but on the other hand I can't imagine anything else I said would have been better. I could have just left, of course, and I did consider it, but I wasn't going to just stop doing my job because she told me to.
Which gets me to the next problem. See, she asked me, via text-message, to never enter her room again and that she didn't need help. I took it as passive-aggressive...but before I responded I asked my co-worker. My co-worker said that she thought perhaps it was straight-up literal: the co-teacher recognizes I get frustrated and, in situations like that where she had busy work, doesn't need me and doesn't want to bother me. I REALLY couldn't read into the text-message that way, but I decided the best course of action was to at least pretend that's how it was meant and to act as civilly, politely, and nicely (i.e. to still casually say hello as well as work with the co-teacher as a co-teacher*)
[*I should point out now that often "co-teacher" means two teachers are in the classroom at the same time, and they take turns or collaborate in teaching; I don't use the term like that, but to mean that we have the same preschoolers as are students and, while we teach separate classes, we coordinate our efforts]
I did this, and ignored the fact that she was acting moody, sullen, and (to me) cold, for that following Monday. Or I WOULD have, but along with the text she left me some books that I need for one of my classes, a note that said "Keep this book - Don't bring it to me - I don't need it," and a letter that said, with a lot of repetition, that she never wanted to talk to me and that I should never enter her class. The text message at midnight I understand - its hard to take back text messages. The letter with the obvious ranting tone, well...I took it to her directly, kinda slammed it on her desk, and said something like "no, this is inappropriate." I admit I was angry when I made that my first move...though I don't regret the action. I am happy that I didn't raise my voice when I said those words though.
I'm carefully noting how much I lose my temper, by the way, because I AM worried about my control of my temper. But although I was by no means perfect, I don't think I did actually wrong. And, after several days (partly because I could never find a time to talk with her), I calmly approached her when she wasn't busy (she was resting on her desk, so I lightly knocked on her door), and to tell her that I think we needed to try talking to "reconcile" (and I found the Korean word for reconcile), because we had to work together. I asked if she wanted to do so then or later...long story short, THIS time I didn't lose my temper at all...seriously, not even a little angry until well after I left. I don't believe I was condescending or anything either, though I feel it now so I'm having trouble finding the right sorta words to imitate what I actually said to her. I gave her some friendly info about something she was looking for, and gave her a copy of my schedule so she could find a time when we were both available (since it seemed we never had the same free periods), and I used a rather affable tone. REALLY affable, considering who I am (let alone the situation). It makes me proud that I thought the conversation through so well...AND that I took into account that even when you find the best way to handle something, it by no means the result will be rosy.
Because, as you may have guessed, the co-teacher told me during the meeting that she didn't want to talk to me ever and that she was quitting so it wouldn't matter. I feel I dodged that well and gave her an easy out to change her mind (avoiding direct questions, for example, so she wouldn't feel tied to any answers she gave during this "confrontation" - she was acting like a wounded deer). Still, I was furious when she texted me, again late at night, with the same sort of reply - a rambly rant about how she was quitting and still didn't want me to enter her classroom, ever. "Her" classroom...seriously, this wouldn't seem so absurd if half the teachers hadn't had to switch classrooms the week before.
She's acted less passive-aggressive and more courteous recently, but it doesn't matter. I won't forgive her. I've reached this point once before, and that person did come back to me talking about how she missed the old times, and about how we had to see eachother again (ignoring our fallout). I don't get to this point without giving someone an out first, and them not taking it, though (with that other friend/roommate, I'd waited for over a week for her to get over her silent treatment). This time though I don't thinks he will want to be friends with me. I've already "diagnosed" her: she's got a strong tendency to see things as black-or-white. I was "white" before (or "black" I suppose...just traditionally it'd be said as "white") when she'd said that I was "like family!" I'm sure other people talk like that too...but I've had friends I was a lot closer with who would never say such things. I feel that now she's grouped me with all the other "bad" parts about our school, and she won't un-group me from it, so... I was perfect, and now I'm reprehensible. *shrug*
Oi...too long. 'Aight. My point: Every month we got this huge thing, which has a time-line or deadline, that we just have to get past - working extra hours while we wait for the new teacher (to take the place of a teacher that quit - has happened three times), changing schedules constantly, preparing for a Talent Show or making up for the absence of a teacher who took leave...I've long since recognized that although they talk as if we just have to work past this next hurdle for our "break" and "return to normal," that its really just a circuit of hurdles. And March really flipped my schedule in on itself - today I taught until 7:45pm, for example, whereas for the previous 8 months I'd never taught past 6pm - I thought it had said so in my contract, even (work, yes, but no scheduled classes). And my new classroom is too small for my new 7-year-old class - thirteen students and seven chairs. I get to move everything into the library, and then set up all the tables and benches and papers and crayons and pencils and bought-with-my-own-money portable whiteboards so that I can teach class in the way I've been accustomed to. I don't have to use worksheets of course...but they gave me MATH to teach. MATH! Yes. And now, within the next two weeks, two of the most veteran staff here are quitting. So...I anticipate a lot of upheaval. That's my point.
The Hanged Man? He is NOT me. Normally the Hanged Man looks at his situation a "chance" rather than a "death" or "hanging." He's hung by his foot. Its quite possible then I'm looking at this all wrong. I was only miserable for about ten days - at the moment I'm actually okay. But I'm well-aware of the instability around me. I figure the inversion of the card either reflects my relative unwillingness to be wise (or whatever) about this whole thing, or about my current separateness from the whole thing. Its all beyond my control, after all.
Friends: The Ten of Cups, inverted.
When you read cards, one thing you should do is look for patterns...how many (and which) Major Arcana cards (cards like the Hermit and the Hanged Man), a lot of one suit, or a disproportionate amount of royalty. Of the five cards, this card is neither Major Arcana nor royalty...and its the only cup. Its quite fitting though: This card represents a complete set of emotional treasures - basically a 'loving family' of sorts, that supports me and keeps me stable. And, as I've recently discovered after coming here, my friends are what are most important to me. And, I'm well aware that I have few and they are drifting farther and farther away (the ones I have here are pretty awesome, but as my foreign-friend-coworker says, "it makes me sad, but I know I'm not going to talk to anyone here again"). I don't find that texts or messages from the computer help me stay close to anyone, but I probably should try more. And I probably should try to call via Skype when anyone's actually awake. I can't figure out why I have this card at all though, even inverted. It seems too hopeful. Like there's just this little thing that's holding me back from having that perfect little circle of friends.
Relationship: Knight of Swords, inverted. A knight is brash, and a little to energetic with the energies of his suit - in this case, the sword, the symbol of truth and justice. But its inverted. The obvious guess is that its him, Code-Name: Fox. I wouldn't have picked him as the sword-type, but...come to think of it, he doesn't really fit the other suits at all (passionate, emotionally strong, or stable/wealthy?). He tends to act cutesy with me a lot, and I think our time together is a bit taxing for both of us, because it hinges on "what are we going to do?" Which I don't want. I want to just be - not do. Random talk. Occasionally deep sharing. Loving, if possible. But the thing is, as I shared with that foreign coworker friend, I don't really know how relationships go, and I don't know why I feel unsatisfied with this one thus-far or how much of that dissatisfaction is due to my impatience. I always assumed I'd be great with lover-tiffs and such (and I still think I would), but this whole other part, of building a good rewarding relationship, with all those illusory ideas floating in your head amidst the useful ones on what a relationship is and how to have one...well its just so hard!
It'd be easier if we lived in the same city. And if I could just be sure of who Code-Name: Fox is, versus my expectations, hopes, and fears. And similarly, I wish I knew what he saw of me, and what he wants from me. I even asked him...but he only addressed his biggest priority right now: fixing his job-problem. If we were supposed to be in love right now, I'd dump him for pretty much telling me that he can't even consider "me" before he figures out how to get out of his terrible job. But we aren't supposed to be. And I feel like I'm waiting for some certainty on what this relationship really is. ...while all this frustration and concern revolves around truth, it doesn't really explain the Knight nor the inversion...well, the inversion is likely the blocking of energies ...but which energies exactly, why, and why a knight, I don't know.
Physical and Spiritual Health: The Hermit, inverted.
I don't read anything about my physical health really, even though that's what the card was originally supposed to be for...for a long time now I've felt drained of energy, even when determined and out-and-about, like with Code-Name: Fox (I'm pretty sure my constant "I'm tired!" is irritating him, though he's never had anything but a good face for me). As you know, I often get a little sick (and occasionally it becomes more serious), but I've never had to skip work (unfortunately), and it doesn't feel like I will soon. I could be nurturing some debilitating "stress" though, the sort that I have, in previous jobs, turned into physical ailments (two different jobs, I've hated so much that I'd get nauseous that morning...and then the nausea would pass sometimes an hour after I call in sick).
So anyway...the hermit is obvious. And considering the above four cards and my take on those realms of my life, the inversion should be also. I'm well-aware that I have many things to be doing right now, including acquiring some much-needed acceleration in my life (as, before, it was definitely in-the-rut). I have had some good, powerful moments where I felt I had some understanding of where I am and what to do...but I'm not making nearly as much progress as I'd like. And I'm a bit worried that when this working-vacation is over, I'll be back in that rut and only a thousand dollars richer.
Hm...let's pull another card. Can I find the card that tells me why I should have a bit more hope? More optimism and ambition?
...no. I pulled a card, but after looking at it I don't think it's addressing the right problem. Knight of Pentacles, inverted...and the only possible explanation of what or who it is seems to be the opposite of a "reason for (more) hope."
...see, now I think THIS is why I don't write enough. Too often when I do write, what I hope to be a twenty-minute endeavor will take 1.5 hours. And, though I really want to edit my work more, after writing for this long I just don't have the energy to read-and-fix it.