Angst. Angst. Angst. Angst.
I'm not sure where my heart lies. I'm not sure how I feel. The best thing possible has happened to two of my dearest friends, and I'm extremely happy for them. But at the same time a deep sorrow is gnawing away at my heart. Is it possible to be happy and sad at the same time? Why am I sad? There's nothing to mourn over here. No one has died, no one has lost anything. Maybe I'm just wallowing in self-pity because of the absence of a happily-ever-after for me, too. Maybe I just wish I have what they do. Maybe I'm pouting over feelings I once had for someone whom I now know was meant for someone else? Did I ever really get over those feelings for that person? Or was I just telling myself and others that I had, in order to make myself believe that I really *had* gotten over them? Was I lying to myself in order to try to convince my flesh to stop thinking of that person in a certain way?
All these questions. But no answers. They burden my heart so.
What am I to do with my best friend? I love him dearly and he loves me back- though maybe more deeply than I do for him. I know he wishes for something more, I know he couldn't imagine being with anyone else. And I wish I felt the same towards him, if only to stop him from feeling the pain of rejection and jealousy. I wish I knew how to define my love for him. But the only way I can express it is by comparing it with the love I have for my brothers- and not as the deeper love a wife should feel for her husband. Knowing that hurts him more than a lot of other things, and it kills me to see him suffer. Again I wish I loved him as he loves me so his pain would be lifted, yet it is simply not so. If I were to be his future wife, would not I feel that all-encompassing love that he seems to have for me? Would I not know in my spirit that he is the one for me? Would I stop getting crushes on other guys and becoming overwhelmed with how awesome said guys could be? Have my years of knowing my best friend dulled my perceptions of him? Has the excitement and novelty worn off? We agree on many subjects but at the same time we disagree on just as many if not more. And the things on which we disagree are often so monumental and solid in each other's beliefs that we end up clashing and fighting over them- fights in which neither of us is willing to back down and concede defeat. If he were to be my future husband, wouldn't we agree on so much more? Wouldn't we have matching ideas as to the funnest way to spend a day or the proper attire for swimwear? Opposites may attract but they can also repel.
I don't know why I'm writing all this. Probably because I'm being angsty and need to vent. Probably because I want to think all this out and maybe get some feedback from others. I want to know others' opinions, and more than this I want to ask whoever reads this to pray for me. My life should not revolve around the goal of finding my mate. It should revolve around God.
My dear friend put it best when she said "A girl should get so lost in searching after God that her husband has to search after Him to find her." It works both ways. And I keep reminding myself of that. But it's an awful hard burden to pick up and throw away for God to handle. So great a burden that I fear being completely inable to do it. I've tried many times in the past and only failed. I'm afraid of trying again. I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of being hurt.