"Naked Around You"
I guess I am in another talking mood. It's funny, I've become a minor appearance on this thing. I'm surprised I still remembered the password and also surprised that it still exists. Most programs like this would have deleted it by now, but I am glad that they didn't. Wow, im in University... University of Ottawa for Poli Sci to be more exact. It hasn't seemed like a real change until recently. I talk to all of my friends at home and feel like I can never go back to what I was. I was so settled and so comfortable with my life at home I didn't think anything would truly change, but it did. Of course my friends still care about me and of course I miss them like crazy, but as my years at university will go on, so will theirs. And while I shouldn't be thinking about the inevitable break so early in the game it unnerves me. I can honestly say that with the exception of my Jodi, these people are the closest things to real friends that I have ever had. For some reason I could hang out with other people, but never feel like I actually belonged there. With Brad, Pat, Steve, Kate, Ashley... all of those people I feel like I belong. While that doesn't mean I am truly myself around them I am still comfortable. I miss them to death, but I also don't. It feels like what I miss is the security of having them there. Here I have to start all over again, build relationships from the ground up. At home, I could just call anyone and go anywhere.. what now? And while this whole paragraph appears to be a selfish rant about how I liked to feel secure, i miss them. I was never myself, never exactly who I wanted to be, but I was happy. Some people are so bent on "being yourself" and "not changing for anyone!" but what does it really hurt if you're happy?? Those preachers preach about things that they probably don't even understand. A good chunk of the people that complain about the lack of individuality in today's society are just as fake as the rest of us. They are taught to preach from the individualists who promote something that is only an ideal... not a reality. No person can acceptably say that they are themselves in absolutely every situation. Everyone is intimidated by something or someone... *Sigh.* But while I am ranting about this it is an ideal isn't it?? It's my ideal along with others. Yes, i was happy... But would I not be even happier if I could belong for being something I want to be? Whatever. this rant is way too involved, hypocritical, and twisted to continue lol. The point is I miss home... That's all I really wanted to say there.
I'm fucking up in this city!! It's not that I don't like it; it's not that I am depressed. I am quite happy actually! Probably the most happy I have ever been... it may be fake happiness, but I don't think that it is. Why shouldn't I be content? All I ever do is party and hang out with people that could become something in my life. But for once in my life I truly am sick of fake reality. I want real friends with real feelings and real lives. Not that my friends at home weren't like that.. it's just that we didn't talk about it. That's what I love about Jodi... even though she is so far away from me. She is probably the only person that I have ever been able to talk to so openly that I can tell people "that girl knows me!" She probably even knows me more than I know myself, but could never explain me. Am I complicated or simple? It could go both ways really. I could be so simple I'm complicated... or so complicated that I am simple... if anyone understands what I am trying to say there haha... they probably don't. It's funny really. I thought I had grown up and grown out of these random rants that don't really even mean anything, but I guess not. I'm sure if my friends from home read this they would see something that they never have seen before. Mostly because there is no point in actually being or talking like this... some things are better off left in your head eh. But of course broadcasting them on the internet probably negates that ideal. However, at the same time I know no one really reads this thing and the people that do likely have no interest in my fake self. Ahh, the fake self, how I do love her. She's fun, exciting, a party girl... and what am I really? I act like that is my fake self, but it could be who I really am and I'm just trying to deny it to myself. I hate being a teenager. It's an expectation from society that we don't know who we are. So maybe a good chunk of us understand completely what we are about and where we want to go in life, but we are so bombarded by the cliche that we get all confused aqnd second-guess every aspect. Ahh well, "everyone goes through it" right? Another one of those shitty sentences that really doesnt mean anything to me... Don't you hate it when people give you a clean cut, stereotypical answer to shit when you are confused or hurt by something... Yea, they are trying to help, but useless conversation really doesn't help. And yep, I am ranting about something that I have been guilty of doing in the past. Anything to fit in, right? Thats the teenagers ideal... to fit in. But what if fitting in isn't what I really want?? I'm kind of sick of "fitting in"... When you "fit in" there are expectations... I am expected to party every available day, get drunk as much as possible and fuck as many people as I can get my hands on. Whatever... It's ridiculous really.
I'm not even going to read what I have written before I post this because then I might not actually post it... It's probably a good choice. I have to stop hiding behind walls of pure air. You'd think the strongest wall on the planet is made of croncete or mortar or something, but we all kind of know that it's air... thought... hurt... But I'm not hurt anymore.... I've grown up... I keep saying that, but what does it really mean? Grown up... my own mother is in her late 40s and I don't think she is truly grown up... But grown up suggests an age factor when there really isn't one. You know what though... for the first time in my life I think I have forgiven her. If it weren't for her I wouldnt understand life as well as I seem to. I would be like Pat... and while I love Pat to death as one of my best friends, he has been so sheltered from reality that things will hit him much harder than they could logically hit me. And for that he has years left to learn about life. On the other side though, what would it be like to be naive? I've always kind of wondered what I would be like if I had never been hurt by anyone? What I pretend like I had in stupid ways? Say that, that boyfriend that fucked around on me was the most pain I've ever had in my life? So maybe there really isn't any naive people in this world. Because everyone who is truly naive doesn't know or think that they are. I'm naive to a lot of things... just a good chunk less than a lot of people I associated with in high school and probably a lot of people here. There are a lot of things in life that I have yet to experience or have not been exposed to... like abrupt death, or hard drugs... both of which i would prefer not to obviously. But I come from a smalltown that no one has ever heard of, so can I actually be as experienced in life as I claim to be? Or am I just that in comparison to the other people in my small, unnoticed town. Does it really matter? I guess not...
On a more real note there is a boy here. It's wierd... We aren't together by any means... maybe that's a good thing, or bad... again, I don't know. But while all the other guys I have been with or had an interest in have inspired me only to be what they want me to be. No, that is not on purpose, they didn't sit down one day and say that I want to mould this girl; I want to change her. It just happened, through no fault of theirs. But with this guy I actually do want to by myself and he expects it. He is the only person up to this point who has cut through the bullshit. He doesn't say it all that often, but he knows that I am still pretty fake around him. Most people just accept me thinking that everything I have shown is everything I am and this guy doesn't do that. Maybe that's why he draws my interest... because even without knowing it and maybe not even purposefully he is breaking through the barriers I didn't know I still had. But he just wants to be friends... Although that is probably a good thing.. I don't know. I can honestly say that, that hasn't happened in a really long time too. It's wierd to say out loud, but I haven't been uninteresting to a guy I have went after in a so long that I don't remember the last time it happened. Believe me that is not an attempt to sound pompous, the reason that it is that way is because I am usually so guarded that I never go after a guy I don't think I can get. It's like I sub-consciously block out all of the guys that look passed me in a crowd. Oh well, I don't know what else to say on the topic, so I am going to end this ridiculously lengthy rant and perhaps right again sometime later. But as my entries have been going I can't really promise anything. So, I am going to end with a poem that i wrote today:
Forgiveness?
On the day that you gave up,
I broke down.
Missing a face and not a soul,
Who are you?
All the years I thought I knew;
All this time I'd thought you'd grew.
But you're still the same,
Too scared to change.
A life so long... you're stuck.
Stuck in something you don't want to be.
Or do you?
So hard to forgive,
Too much to forget.
One day it'll end,
A day already set.
As I wait patiently,
Growing stronger every moment,
Words I'm afraid to speak;
A sentence that means I'm weak:
I love you,
Always have.
I'm fucking up in this city!! It's not that I don't like it; it's not that I am depressed. I am quite happy actually! Probably the most happy I have ever been... it may be fake happiness, but I don't think that it is. Why shouldn't I be content? All I ever do is party and hang out with people that could become something in my life. But for once in my life I truly am sick of fake reality. I want real friends with real feelings and real lives. Not that my friends at home weren't like that.. it's just that we didn't talk about it. That's what I love about Jodi... even though she is so far away from me. She is probably the only person that I have ever been able to talk to so openly that I can tell people "that girl knows me!" She probably even knows me more than I know myself, but could never explain me. Am I complicated or simple? It could go both ways really. I could be so simple I'm complicated... or so complicated that I am simple... if anyone understands what I am trying to say there haha... they probably don't. It's funny really. I thought I had grown up and grown out of these random rants that don't really even mean anything, but I guess not. I'm sure if my friends from home read this they would see something that they never have seen before. Mostly because there is no point in actually being or talking like this... some things are better off left in your head eh. But of course broadcasting them on the internet probably negates that ideal. However, at the same time I know no one really reads this thing and the people that do likely have no interest in my fake self. Ahh, the fake self, how I do love her. She's fun, exciting, a party girl... and what am I really? I act like that is my fake self, but it could be who I really am and I'm just trying to deny it to myself. I hate being a teenager. It's an expectation from society that we don't know who we are. So maybe a good chunk of us understand completely what we are about and where we want to go in life, but we are so bombarded by the cliche that we get all confused aqnd second-guess every aspect. Ahh well, "everyone goes through it" right? Another one of those shitty sentences that really doesnt mean anything to me... Don't you hate it when people give you a clean cut, stereotypical answer to shit when you are confused or hurt by something... Yea, they are trying to help, but useless conversation really doesn't help. And yep, I am ranting about something that I have been guilty of doing in the past. Anything to fit in, right? Thats the teenagers ideal... to fit in. But what if fitting in isn't what I really want?? I'm kind of sick of "fitting in"... When you "fit in" there are expectations... I am expected to party every available day, get drunk as much as possible and fuck as many people as I can get my hands on. Whatever... It's ridiculous really.
I'm not even going to read what I have written before I post this because then I might not actually post it... It's probably a good choice. I have to stop hiding behind walls of pure air. You'd think the strongest wall on the planet is made of croncete or mortar or something, but we all kind of know that it's air... thought... hurt... But I'm not hurt anymore.... I've grown up... I keep saying that, but what does it really mean? Grown up... my own mother is in her late 40s and I don't think she is truly grown up... But grown up suggests an age factor when there really isn't one. You know what though... for the first time in my life I think I have forgiven her. If it weren't for her I wouldnt understand life as well as I seem to. I would be like Pat... and while I love Pat to death as one of my best friends, he has been so sheltered from reality that things will hit him much harder than they could logically hit me. And for that he has years left to learn about life. On the other side though, what would it be like to be naive? I've always kind of wondered what I would be like if I had never been hurt by anyone? What I pretend like I had in stupid ways? Say that, that boyfriend that fucked around on me was the most pain I've ever had in my life? So maybe there really isn't any naive people in this world. Because everyone who is truly naive doesn't know or think that they are. I'm naive to a lot of things... just a good chunk less than a lot of people I associated with in high school and probably a lot of people here. There are a lot of things in life that I have yet to experience or have not been exposed to... like abrupt death, or hard drugs... both of which i would prefer not to obviously. But I come from a smalltown that no one has ever heard of, so can I actually be as experienced in life as I claim to be? Or am I just that in comparison to the other people in my small, unnoticed town. Does it really matter? I guess not...
On a more real note there is a boy here. It's wierd... We aren't together by any means... maybe that's a good thing, or bad... again, I don't know. But while all the other guys I have been with or had an interest in have inspired me only to be what they want me to be. No, that is not on purpose, they didn't sit down one day and say that I want to mould this girl; I want to change her. It just happened, through no fault of theirs. But with this guy I actually do want to by myself and he expects it. He is the only person up to this point who has cut through the bullshit. He doesn't say it all that often, but he knows that I am still pretty fake around him. Most people just accept me thinking that everything I have shown is everything I am and this guy doesn't do that. Maybe that's why he draws my interest... because even without knowing it and maybe not even purposefully he is breaking through the barriers I didn't know I still had. But he just wants to be friends... Although that is probably a good thing.. I don't know. I can honestly say that, that hasn't happened in a really long time too. It's wierd to say out loud, but I haven't been uninteresting to a guy I have went after in a so long that I don't remember the last time it happened. Believe me that is not an attempt to sound pompous, the reason that it is that way is because I am usually so guarded that I never go after a guy I don't think I can get. It's like I sub-consciously block out all of the guys that look passed me in a crowd. Oh well, I don't know what else to say on the topic, so I am going to end this ridiculously lengthy rant and perhaps right again sometime later. But as my entries have been going I can't really promise anything. So, I am going to end with a poem that i wrote today:
Forgiveness?
On the day that you gave up,
I broke down.
Missing a face and not a soul,
Who are you?
All the years I thought I knew;
All this time I'd thought you'd grew.
But you're still the same,
Too scared to change.
A life so long... you're stuck.
Stuck in something you don't want to be.
Or do you?
So hard to forgive,
Too much to forget.
One day it'll end,
A day already set.
As I wait patiently,
Growing stronger every moment,
Words I'm afraid to speak;
A sentence that means I'm weak:
I love you,
Always have.