"I trust my girlfriend. I just don't trust other guys."

[tacit]

It's a comment I see scattered far and wide across the Internetverse. In almost any conversation where some guy is complaining about his wife or girlfriend having male friends, inevitably someone else will ask, "don't you trust her?" And inevitably, as sure as night follows day, he will say "Oh, I trust her, I just don't trust other guys

Comments

[petite_lambda]

Franklin, there is a big issue here that I suspect you misunderstand. I know, because I used to have the same misunderstanding, until a monogamous friend explained this really, really well. Here's what's happening

[tacit]

I think that's true, but I don't think "I am hurt if another person thinks about my partner" really maps onto "I trust my partner but not other people."

In my experience, people who say "I trust my girlfriend, I just don't trust other men" invariably use that line to validate "and that's why I don't let my girlfriend have male friends or talk to other men." A monogamous person who feels pain at the idea of someone else desiring their partner is still tipping the scales into abuse if they use that pain to try to control their partner.

[petite_lambda]

> A monogamous person who feels pain at the idea of someone else desiring their partner is still tipping the scales into abuse if they use that pain to try to control their partner.

Yes, absolutely. Controlling behavior is wrong, whatever the reasons behind it. My friend, for example, is not at all controlling, she was just explaining why she'd be angry if someone flirted with her husband, or even secretly desired him. It's just that the line "it's not you I don't trust, it's her" had always resonated with my friend, because she does trust her husband 100%. And in any case, this is not about him, her emotions are not triggered by anything he does in that situation, but by what the other woman does or thinks.

Nope

[petite_lambda]

I totally get the whole thing about not letting what other people do get you worked up, especially if you trust them. But what you’re claiming isn’t true, those two statements go hand in hand. If you don’t trust other people, then you’re going to be jealous/auspicious when they start talking up your partner. One follows the other. Even if you trust your partner completely, you can still feel negatively about someone approaching them, especially if that person is displaying pick up artist type behavior. It’s analogous to watching a scam artist try to manipulate someone you care about. Case on point: I was out with my girlfriend and stepped away for a cigarette. I come back and a guy was chatting her up. It turned out to be a friend of an acquaintance, but as I walk up she’s typing her number into his phone. Ostensibly because they were both huge fans of the same band, and he suggested getting a group together to see their next show. It was obvious what he was up to, and his reaction upon finding out I was her boyfriend proved to me his

agreed

[petite_lambda]

I completely agree, knowing people are looking at my girlfriend in that way does trigger negative emotions as you say. To take it a step further, even if they flirt and she says no and nothing happens, and I'm sure she would (I trust her to), it's infuriating. What I find sad about the whole situation is that neither her nor I can control what other people think of her, so I suppose any boyfriend is just condemned to feel a little off if his girlfriend is out in a situation where this might happen. Of course this doesn't mean one should become controlling and expect his girlfriend to not have friends, or not go out by herself, but it's just a byproduct of having a girlfriend I guess, and you/I have to accept it.