Some thoughts on needs, objectification, and the Magic Genitals Effect

[tacit]

If you venture into the polyamory community for long enough, eventually you will encounter someone who says "Polyamory is good because no one person can meet all of your needs. With poly, I can find different people who meet different needs, and so be happier

Comments

Needs and Obligations

[bminstrel]

I'm going to start by defending the "one partner can't meet all my needs," line, which I admit I sometimes use as a clumsy shorthand. Simply put, I don't think any of my partners are obligated to meet my needs any more than this glass of water is obligated to quench my thirst.

I do have needs¹, but it's up to me to find a situation in which they're being met. It's not something I parcel up into little chunks of responsibility for other people.

Actually, as it happens, I am lucky enough to have people who want to meet my various needs and conveniently I also want to help meet theirs. That's because we're human beings, not just selfish need-machines. There is a difference between what we want or are prepared to give and what we are expected to give, but I don't think it nullifies the (admittedly badly worded) "No single person can meet all of my needs," line of reasoning.

¹ Or wants, desires, dreams... lots of vague labels.

On much of the rest of this, I agree (and could do verbosely but won't). I'll just say that the problem with genital-rubbing is that society has made it special and almost sacred, when it really isn't. Our conventions strangle our feelings and instincts and we end up in a confused muddle, but the attachment of aspects of morality to it makes it hard to talk about. And when you don't talk, you don't learn, and when you don't learn, you stand every chance of being an idiot ;)

Re: Needs and Obligations

[vconaway]

I really like your water metaphor.

Re: Needs and Obligations

[tacit]

On much of the rest of this, I agree (and could do verbosely but won't). I'll just say that the problem with genital-rubbing is that society has made it special and almost sacred, when it really isn't. Our conventions strangle our feelings and instincts and we end up in a confused muddle, but the attachment of aspects of morality to it makes it hard to talk about.

Indeed. That is, I think, very, very true. It's difficult to go about interacting with other people in a reasonable way and negotiating to have your needs met when you're too ashamed to talk about them in the first place.